Someone new and something red

I woke up at 5:47am but easily feel back asleep.  When I got up, I started to get dressed for a run, even before I had my first coherant thought.

 I ran toward the Emmanual Monument (?) I stopped when I got there.  That place to so large, it always takes my brain a while to soak it in.  I ran back to the hotel.  Thankfully, less humid today.

I was heading over to the Massimo Palazza today.  I was feeling good about myself, letting any negative thoughts fall to the ground.

On the way to the museo, I saw the Repubblica and the Santa Maria Angeli.  There was a huge crowd in that area, some kind of parade demonstration.   I am clueless to what is happening in the world. 

The Massimo was INCREDIBLE.   I can't believe so many precious statues are in one place.  The mosaics were phenomenal and Livia's frescos…well I had to sit down for a few minutes, it was that emotional.

I felt like a full woman today.  I don't know why, I just felt as though I inhabited my body.  I walked with my head high because I realized yesterday that I tend to hold my head downward and keep my eyes downcast when I pass men.

I see many Italian women, of various sizes and looks, walking with confidence.  I don't notice this in the U.S.   (Maybe because my head is down? No seriously, I don't see it often.)  

I notice this fear I have that if I present myself fully, I will get punished.  The thought that went through my head was "someone will put me in my place".   Where is that from?  I don't remember being taught that, but it is there.

This second chapter of my life seems to be a time when I am looking at my 'software'  and seeing what needs to be deleted and what to keep.

I stopped for an espresso this morning, I follow business men and go where they go.  It works.
GREAT espresso.

For lunch today, I saw 3 business men go into this upscale deli so I went in too.  There was a coffee counter and then prepared foods and then some hot buffet food, tables in the back.  I watched what they ordered and pointed it out when it was my turn.  It was fish and baked potato slices. I picked the string beans with tomatoes.  It was so good.  My first fish in Italy!

I walked as fast as these tired feet would carry me this afternoon to go to meet a woman from a travel website I have used a lot in the past few months.  I met her at the Altemps museum and she took me to this funky, cool place for caffe.  It used to be a convent, now it has a cafe and a room with comfortable chairs.  It was quiet which was very welcomed.  The city seems so loud the last 2 days.

We had a nice talk.  We clicked.  I felt bad that I was so tired but I carried my own, I think.  

I was myself, no holds barred.  It was lovely.

They played music that I love there, Tom Jones, the 5th Dimension, etc.

This place was an oasis.  I am very grateful to her for showing it to me.  I could never find it again.  It took me 10 minutes to figure out where the hell I was going after we departed near the Pantheon.

It was good to talk English.  It was good to hear about another woman's journey.  Like I said to her,  "Women need women"  it is in our nature I believe.  There are probably a lot of people out there living their dreams, taking those scary steps.  I guess when we do it ourselves, we meet them on the path.

Here I am in Roma, having a chilled espresso and milk in a martini glass, sitting on a stone edge of a courtyard of a convent chatting with this interesting woman.   LIFE!!

I wanted to talk to my first friend in Roma more, but I was really feeling mentally exhausted.  We may meet up again before I leave Monday evening.  

I dragged my ass back to the hotel, even though I was hungry.  I feel into bed for a little while.  Then I went out and found a little market on Via  Del Croce.  I bought greek feta, black olives and smoked salmon to go.  They aren't too friendly there, but I am less sensitive about that these days.

The salmon was divine!  Sitting on my bed eating with my fingers, oh baby!  It tasted as though it had a light oil and lemon sauce on it.  Oh I will be going back to that shop before I leave.

I feel complete today.  I am not sure in what aspect(s), but there is a sense of having completed something.  This makes me think back to grad school, when I had to take a one credit independent study class to make sure I had enough credits to graduate.  I feel as though I just finished my last required course.  On some level, I am done.

I bought myself a little magnet 2 days ago.  It says (in latin) I came, I saw, I conquered.    

I came to Italy.  I saw Italy.  

I conquered an old image of myself.

I am not her anymore.  For the first time in my life I feel worthy...worthy of myself, to myself.

I can smile.  I can travel to Europe alone.  I can just be me.  I can look at myself and not cringe.

I feel I am worth loving, worth caring for, worth my admiration.  I enjoy who I am.

I am kind, I am intelligent, I am interesting, I am funny, I am me.   

Hmm, none of those things is about the way I look.   Good!

I am growing up from the inside and I like having a strong grounding within myself.

I bought myself a gift today.  I have been looking here and there at red pocketbooks.
I don't like tourist shops. I don't like to shop in fancy shops.

As I was walking around today, I went into a place that had some leather things.  In the back of the store I saw a red bag.  It is small, simple, casual and for wearing across the body.  (great for travel!)

 I put it on and looked in the mirror.  

It was me.

I know what that means now.