(I typed this and never reread.
I am going through it quickly now to fix big errors.
I am reading it like an editor, because what happened last night was raw and deep. I want to just let it be for now. But I think it is an important occurrence. Ididn't see this coming at all. read with kind eyes.)
It's about 1:30am. I can't sleep. I all of sudden starting feeling upset. I just let it come.
Feeling that maybe this trip is a last hurrah for me. WIll the illnesses get worse? I really haven't been feeling that well.
Mybody has been acting out all over. Symptoms coming back. I just don't want to admit it to myself.
I sometimes wish things would either get much better or much worse, just to be done with it.
To know that I have a limited time, seems like a relief at this point. I don't want to slowly deteriorate.
Also, that thing that happened today when i was walking toward the (unknown) vatican:
Hearing my son call out to me, and then getting upset when i realized i couldn't help him as i am so far away.
While i have been gone, by sons have taken care of things. they haven't needed me for much.
Am I dyng, in some way?
you know being a mother these past 17 years has been a big anchor in my life. when this anchor gone, what happens?
i was more worried about them with out me, but it's me without them…
it's time for them to go on… it's time for them to make a life for themselves that is not longer dependent on me.
i have alway felt they were mine, right or wrong, i have.
it is like dying to let them go. i didn't realize that that is what i have done by leaving them to go to Italy.
i've given the them a the chance to see how grown up they are…how much they don't need me anymore.
hearing my son call me today, realizing for the first time how far apart we were.
what we sacrifice for our children,they never know, just like i don't know what my mother sacrificed for me.
I gave everything i had, i homeshholed them, i didn't use babysitter, i didn't have anyone around to help.
What do i do now?
i didn't realize what a gift i gave them by leaving. a great gift.
an appetite to travel. an example of taking care of yourself.
they have done great.
why does it hurt so? the grief the deep deep weight, the ache so strong, it 's silent and doesn't move. the crying when you are silent but every cell in your body cries out for something.
i have been thinkling about being on my own. when the boys go camping with their father, i like the house empty.
i don't have the energy i used to have. their life is just taking off. hand gliders just starting to run.
i've had my glide. I'm landing.
what greater thing is there in the world than to carry a life, have it move through you, nurse them, watch them grow, learn about their humor, their talents,
you never know what you're getting.
i remember both times when i was pregnant telling billy if something should happen to me, make sure the baby was ok.
it was such a strong sense. your life is over in some way, when you have carried life. that life is the new life.
it some ways it seems like yesterday, holding them, holding their hands, pushing the shopping cart fast in the parking lot, shouting to them "hold on doggies!'
they're gone. those boys are gone. i am dealing with young men. i can still see the little boys in them, perhaps i always will.
how to let go? i came to italy for a month.
i left my children. they flourished.
the 3 of us now know, they don't NEED me. i know they love me, i know i am still a help to them, but they are on they own in some way.
a cord has been cut. this time, i got to do it.
the future life looks like a huge big cave and I am afraid to go in. i can't imagine what it looks like. i can't imagine going in.
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