Monday, September 10, 2012

Unwinding...a good day!

I marched off the trainstation this morning and thankfully, the man who speaks some English was there. I got the schedule for Umbertide to Perugia and bought my round trip tickets. (5 euro)

I felt so good about things. Another thing accomplished!  I went to the cafe' and drank a lovely cappuccino.  I started reading the wonderful biography of W.B. Yeats and then remembered a dream I had this morning.

As I wrote it down, it triggered something deep and I started to cry. I didn't care that there were people there, it was as though I hit a deep vein of emotion.  I wrote it out and then felt light and cozy.

My mom called while I was there and it was so much fun to talk English.  She is very proud of me and told me how she is thinking of me all the time. She also has her friends praying for me, that I stay safe and healthy.  It is very sweet.

I felt more free today. I am not sure what that is about, but I enjoyed it nevertheless.

I went for a walk along the Tiber, where I usually run inthe morning and people walk their dogs.
I walked quite a way and then rested on a long green bench. I took off my sandals and laid down, looking up into the sky.  Ah bellisimo!

I just let everything be, soaking in the moment and the quiet. I was relaxed.  I did some more journaling as a few things came up for me, such as some friendships I have at home that I no longer want to 'caretake'.  My role is usually the thoughtful friend, the counselor, the one who wants everyone to get better.  I take care of myself but I find I want others to do better so I can have a better friend. Ha, that sounds absurd, because it is.

This time in Italy was never a vacation, it was always a sabbatical of sorts.  I always told people I was going to Italy to rest, read and write.  That is what I did today, the trifecta!

I started to write down the things in life that are healthy and good. I was able to write down 3 people I know and that was nice.  Also, how I want to find community, I have been toying with the idea of starting a women's group.  I wrote out ideas for it and felt good that I was being constructive rather than just "poor me".

Have you ever had the feeling you were coming to the conclusion of a book, but you wanted it to go on? I feel my life has come to the end in some meaningful ways and yet it will go on, but in a new direction; One in which I am not looking to make others happy but where I am exploring my passions (mythology, philosophy, physics, dancing, meditation, etc).

Being in Italy, seeing there is another way to live, is an eye-opener.  There is a saying "You don't know how wet you are until you get out of the water".  Getting away from home, I can see how 'wet' I was, which allows me to make changes.

I came across some sentences I wrote down from that Rilke book I finished yesterday. I didn't care for the book very much, but there were some stunning sentences. Here are two of them:

1. "And yet, for some time now, I have believed that it is our own force, all our own force that is still too great for us.  It is true we do not know it, but is it not just that which is most our own of which we know the least?"

2. (This one stirred up something in me) "To be loved means to be consumed. To love is to give light with inexhaustible oil. To be loved is to pass away, to love is to endure"

Buena notte, Patrizia

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