Wednesday? Must be the Pantheon.

It's around 8pm.  I have decided to post last night's 2am document.   It is what it is.

Now, I'll tell you about today.

I slept for 4 hours, but felt pretty good, although my eyes were swollen from crying last night.

I showered and wore a new twist on an old outfit.  Brown capri pants with a greens/browns blouse, but I wore the blouse open and wore a white camisole with a pink bra.

When in Roma…

FIrst stop was the Pantheon.  Magnifico! It was early, so very few people were there. I was really taken back with it all.  I sat in a pew and starting singing (VERY quietly) a Hindu chant to the divine mother.  (Jiya, Jiya, divi mata).  I learned this from a CD about 15 years ago and it seems to pop into my awareness when needed.

I then went outside and sat on the fountain that faces  the Pantheon and went right into meditation (like at my hill temple in Perugia).

It was a great way to start the day.  I had no residual emotions from last night.

I walked over to Campo di Fiori and had a nice cappuccino. (3 euros!!!! crazy)  I was very disappointed with the market, maybe it is bigger on the weekend.  The market in Umbertide was much better than this one.

It was threatening rain all day, I did NOT bring Marjorie's umbrella. I did, however, bring my big sunhat.  I bought an umbrella from one of those corner magazine places.  I didn't want to get caught in the rain with my camera and cell phone.  It was a good decision because I didn't want to have to worry about it all day.  (NO, I never needed it today)

I walked around the piazza at Campo di Fiori and I liked it there. I also like it near the Pantheon.  Next time I come to Roma, I would like to stay in that area.  I really don't care for all the shops around my hotel.  I feel as though I am on 5th Avenue in NYC.  I am more comfortable in college towns and artist communities.

I was looking forward to going to the Palazzo Altemps today (a national roman museum, one ticket gives you access to 4 museums)  I knew it was north of Piazza Novana, so I had another walk through there.  The 2 smaller fountains were getting cleaned I guess.   The center one is awe-inspiring, although I liked it better at night, when I first saw it.

I got to  he museum easily enough and put my stuff in a locker.  It is absolutely divine.  The place only had a few other people there, many times I was the only one in the room.

It consists of 2 floors, before I finished the first, I was wiped out.  I was really touched by the goddess statues.  I also realized that we don't see women statues in America unless they are religious or a sex object.

What I saw today was neither.  

I didn't know how starved I was for affirmation by a woman, until today.  I sat in one of the rooms and an Aphrodite statue (she is standing naked with a towel in one hand) was looking at me.  The powerful goddess in a vulnerable position, just looking.  She wasn't strong, she wasn't weak.  She was.

I started to realize that seeing these goddesses today was the perfect accompaniment to last night's collapse.   There is more to me (and my gender) than being a mother, than being a objectified as sexual.  Here were ancient representations of who I am, of what woman is.

I have never had this kind of experience before.  I never realized how 'less than' I have felt.  A male figure has always  been the closest representation of God, of the great mystery, in my life. Even in my education, it is the men who are brave, change the world, write things, make history…women are supportive.

This is not about men, (I am not blaming them) this is about realizing I have never been 'baptized' (for lack of a better word right now) into womanhood. 

Looking at these big women today, it was reassuring, it was comfort, it felt like a blessing.   

(*Back tracking a bit) In the Pantheon this morning, there was a statue of a very large woman, standing with her arm on the shoulder of a smaller woman.  I had never seen a female 'God" figure in this kind of depiction.  I prayed to it.  I actually  prayed,  "Please show me the way" several times, while softly crying.

(Now that Ithink of it, Like George Bailey  in "It's a wonderful Life")   

It was then that I went and sat down in the pew and sang.

Back at the Altemps this afternoon:

I saw a relief of Aphrodie being lifted out of the bath (sea?) .  It was soft and sweet and eluded to lovingkindness.   I have seen this before, in the lecture series by Joseph Campbell.  He saw this relief in his lifetime too.  WOW…I was shocked, yet it all made sense.  My connection to Joseph Campbell is a strong one.  He has been a mentor to me, a grandfather figure.  I have been studying his works for over 25 years.  Here was another connection.

Next to this, there is a huge head of Juno (or Caludius' mother Antonia, or Livia, scholars argue))  and it was here that something struck me.  

Looking at this magnificent powerful large woman…I felt renewed, reborn.  I was no longer an aging woman who is drying up, I was Woman.  I was part of a much larger context, one that was worshiped to, prayed to, cared for, respected, admired and for a long long time.  

It's hard to go into it more than that, I wish I had more time to explain the sublities  I wish to express.  For now this will have to do.

I looked around Altemps for another 30 minutes, but I was actually feeling faint.  It was a lot to take in.   I started looking for the exit and finally a nice man pointed out the way.

I needed to get out and get some water and rest.  I did.

I will need to to go back because there are things I didn't see.  I also want to go back and sit.  Just sit.  Like returning to the hill temple, I feel pulled to spend time in this energy.

I wandered back over to the pantheon.  It was a ZOO, oh my gods.   I am so lucky I had my time there this morning.  I sat to the side, on the base of one of the columns and hung out for about an hour.  I took my shoes off and felt the marble.  I called my mom and we had a really talk, about the goddess, about Italy.  It seemed perfect talking to her today, connecting to my mother in the midst of all this mother goddess stuff going on.

I got back to my hotel around 5.  I thought I would fall asleep, I rolled over and gave myself permission, but I started to feel revved up a bit.  I took a walk on via Corso, another ZOO. The spanish steps, PACKED.  I walked up to Popolo area and sat on the edge of the fountain.  It didn't feel 'centering' there so I headed back to Spagna to find some food to buy.

I finally found a little cheese/meat deli.  I bought greek feta and some green olives.  It took me a bit to get my bearings to find the hotel, but I did.

I am really starting to see how important and mythical this journey has been for me.  It's not about a month to myself….it's about stepping along this invisible path. (sacred way?)  I never seem to know what is next, but I step anyway and then, I see why.   If I had not experienced this again and again, I would NOT believe it.  It sounds to phony, corny, like a bad film.

Staying open, letting the moment lead me, rather than staying in my logical head space, had made all this possible.  Each thing that comes up, I welcome in, even when it hurts (like last night) even when it scares me (most of this trip).

A man over heard me talking to my mother on the phone.  He asked me for the name of the museum so he could visit. He wrote it down.  He was from Pakistan and was leaving tomorrow as he was here on business.  He was interested in the goddesses too.  I am glad that he was going.  My being in Italy made a difference in his life today.  I liked that connective feeling.

We don't do anything alone, because what we go through, changes us and then when people interact with us, they are touched by it too.

I don't need to talk about a lot of this stuff when I get home because there is nothing to talk to about, on some level.  What has happened to me, is.   Anyone I am in contact with, will be touched by this trip too.

I am tired now.  Having trouble standing up today.  Physically I am falling apart.  Soulfully, I am filling up.  Ah balance.   Tomorrow to the Galleria Borghese and then BACK to Altemps!

I need to consult with Juno, Athena, Aphrodite, and the rest of my new found friends and relatives.   This is getting really FUN.