a most wonderful day

Fabulous day, yet not much to tell.  This is my last full day in Italy too.  

Maybe it was because there was nothing to do and no where to go.  I felt free.

I packed up my bigger suitcase last night, the one I will be checking.  I organized things, so that felt good to wake up to all that done.

My mood all day has been one of glee.   I sang on my run, "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire.." (I ran past someone selling them).   I sang later in the day "SInging in the rain"  because it was raining.

A beautiful, rainy, cooler, Sunday in Roma.  I loved it.

I didn't look at the map as much today. I let myself wander more. I did this the last time I went to Perugia too.  It is great to spend enough time somewhere so you can take it SLOW.

I headed towards Altemps, I went into a church on the way.  Then I saw a nice cafe in San Lucina, so I sat down to get a cappuccino, but saw that they had BREAKFAST. 

My first breakfast in Italy.  I ordered 'the number 2'  a spinach and mushroom omelet, fresh orange juice, coffee, yogurt and fruit.  It was divine.  I loved the cafe and the waiters too.  The yogurt was so thick and creamy…I wish I could have finished it, but I was full.  All that for 15 euro.  

When I got to the museo, I found out it was free.  I saved 10 euro.  I was able to take a film of the several of the rooms.  I am happy about being able to share this place with my family.  I sat with Persephone for a while and then Juno.  I took lots of photos of them from different angles.  

I was having an easy cozy comfortable day.  I continue to 'practice' smiling too.  I smile in a crowd like I see someone on the other side of the street.  What the hell?

It started to drizzle and I have a little bit of trouble trying to find that cafe at Chiostro del Bramante. I knew I was close by.  I stood there for a while.  I went left, boom there was the sign.

I visited their bookstore and picked out a few bookmarks. They also sold a tote bag with their name of it, I bought one of those too.  I like to support such a great idea.

I found a seat and wrote and then read a little.  There were more people there than last time.  It was the perfect place on a rainy Sunday.   

I looked out the window in the sitting room area again, this time knowing what I was seeing. (Raphael!)  It is a sight to behold.  I felt like I was in on a big secret.

I also thought about the nuns who used to live there.  I walked around the 2nd floor and then down into the court years.

I thought it must of been nice to have a community.  They lived together with the same beliefs, protected from the outside world.  I wonder if they went out to help people without those people needing to believe (accept) Christ as their savior?

Jesus didn't ask people to accept him as the savior?  Unless I missed something in history.

I liked it at the cafe.  It would be the kind of place I would visit regularly if I lived here in Roma.

My son called while I was there and he said I sounded very happy.  It wasn't just the cafe, it was also that I am going home soon.  I am truly excited about flying to Ireland and then home.  I miss my life.  I do not miss who I used to be.

I never could have guessed that I would look forward to returning to my life.   I realize that my life is fine, it's wonderful.  I was the one who was not doing so well.

I was always focused on how things should be different, less medical appt, less cleaning, less bills.

But really, it was that I was not complete, I was not full in myself.  I was a shadow of a person trying to carry the weight of a real person.

All the things that were driving me crazy before I came to Italy, they are no longer my big concerns. What I learned, what this month has taught me, is that the most important thing is how I am doing, within myself.  Am I aware?  Am I honest? Am I open to what is happening? Am I willing to follow urges, even when I don't know why?

I see now that because I was so off balance with my nature, everything seems hard, difficult, wrong.

I thought I was hard, difficult, wrong.   I found out that over many years, I lost touch with the natural rhythms of life and myself.

It is vital that I stay in touch with the whoosh whoosh sounds of my soul.  It is there that I live.  And once there, I have myself as I deal with the bills, the chores, the stress, etc.

Maybe that is why I am excited about going home, because for the first time, "I" am going home.

Not that empty shell of a woman, trying to keep the shredded threads together so it looks like a blanket.  

Those threads weren't me.  I've let them go, let them fall into tiny pieces, into the ground.

I don't need a blanket.  I don't need to make me 'look' like anything or anyone.

I am whole.  I am a natural expression of life.

And this feeling I have for myself, I know that that is the way it is with everyone.  So I am no more/no less than anyone else.  There is nice community to live in.  And I don't have to live in a cloister.

Another magical thing happened today.  I mentioned to that woman I met on Friday that I wanted to get a haircut.  She told me the name of her hairdresser (her hair was lovely, very stylish and classic) . So on a Saturday night, I emailed the salon.  What the hell I thought, I'm in Roma.

Well the owner called me about 2 hours ago and said he had an opening at 11am tomorrow.

YIPPEE!  He is American so we had a nice chat.  I made it clear I wasn't looking for anything funky, just a classic haircut.  He assured me, this was the place.  

So tomorrow I am off to Popolo piazza for an italian haircut.  I am very excited. (nervous too)

I am very particular about haircuts.  I know that not many people really KNOW hair.  I have very straight hair, so it has to be cut with a good technique and I don't for any of that razor cutting.

It's been over 6 months since my last cut, I wasn't able to do it before I left.

I don't know, it seems symbolic to me to have my hair cut before I leave.  The vestal virgins used to have there hair cut, not that I am a vestal, but it still feels cool.

Another magical thing falling into place.  All I did was ask and leave it up to the fates.  If I get a bad haircut, well I can write about that too.  I'll just be happy to have my hair washed, I love that.

I only need a trim, so what can they do, eh? (fingers together and gesturing like Italians)

I am happy.  

I am content.  

Sitting here on my hotel bed, leaning against the wall for my back, listening to an American movie dubbed in Italian (Doogie Houser and the smurfs? For real ? Wow America makes some weird films) and all is right with me.

I know things don't always go my way but as long I allow myself to be natural, to flow with the natural flow, there is a contentment and a peace that is priceless.

I know going home means dr appt…I have 4 of them in the first 3 weeks and maybe some not so great news about my health.  It's okay.

There is room enough for illness.  It doesn't completely define me, nothing can.

Going with the flow, going with my heart, saying 'yes' to what is and opening the 'no' parts of myself.(those tiny rooms with little tiny doors)

This is where that sense of freedom is coming today.

i feel love.  Not toward anything or anyone, just love.  

This smurf movie is really bad…ah life!   Love and a bad movie, I can handle it.