Pre-nap Roma

I am in Roma.  

I didn't sleep much last night, less than 2 hours.  I was up at 4am.  I left the house at 5:20. 

Two minutes later, I realize that the small suitcase I bought for 16 euro is crappola.  It doesn't roll well and keeps tipping.  

The zipper jammed already that morning, even though is wasn't over full.

I push down the handle and carry it.  Ugh!

As I am leaving, I look up and see a bright star.(planet Venus I think?).

I got to the train station and thankfully the bar was open.  I ordered an espresso, the woman wasn't very nice at all.  I tried to say how happy I was that they were open so I could have caffe before the bus.  She really wasn't interested.  I drank and left.

The bus area is 30 seconds away.  I sit in the dark.

One bus comes, nope, he's not for Roma.  Finally at 5:58, it arrives and there are 3 other people waiting with me.

The drive in the dark was in contrast to my drive there in the afternoon.  I realize that I got to Umbertide at twilight, at dusk and I am leaving before dawn.  When I got there the moon was full and starting to empty.  As I leave the moon is half full and growing.  I came in the summer, I am leaving (leafing) in the autumn.

I was just getting comfortable when the bus turns into a gas station.  I think he needs gas.  "Change bus" he calls back to me, the only person who didn't get up out of their seat.

Standing in front of a gas station for 15 minutes.  I tell myself, I am on my way to Roma.  I am not feeling well, but don't want to bring too much of my attention to it.  The pain in my feet woke me up 3 times during my short sleep.  I wonder why the pains have come back, is my immune system too active again?

I am not feeling well on the new bus, it is almost full and I am on the aisle.  It is very warm in there and I can't get comfortable.  I try to see if I can rest, but it I am doomed to watching other people sleep.

We hit traffic around 8:30 so I know we much be near the big city.   Pulling into the train station, I am so grateful I'll be n fresh air soon.

I go over to the taxi area and all goes well, I am at the hotel.  I check in, I get into my room.  It is small, but I knew it would be.  I drop everything, wash up and head out.  I am in ROMA.

I start walking, I don't know where I am going.  I end up at the spanish steps, about 3 blocks from the hotel.  There are lots of people here.

"I'm not in Kansas anymore"

It feels very much like Manhattan and that bums me out.  (I guess that's why Woody ALlen likes it here)

I go into a cafe and order a plate of fruit and cheese.  I eat.  12 euros!?  I am not in Umbertide anymore either.

I walk around, LOTS of touristy places.  Somehow after walking around for 90 minutes, I find the Trevi Fountain.  It is a ZOO.

I take a half-hearted photo of myself and leave.

It is hot and I am sweaty.  I ask how to get back to Piazza Spagna, since I know my hotel is around there.

I feel tired and sad…and out of my element.  This area is an expensive shopping district, NOT my cup of cappuccino.

I tell myself I had a big day and a nap will help.

I am sitting in this room, by the window. I am on the first floor (2nd floor in america) and there is no privacy as 60 feet across the street are 16 windows that can see rich into my room.

It is so different than Umbertide.  I guess I didn't prepare myself for a Manhattan-style experience. 

I was thinking about the forum, the pantheon, old ancient stuff.

I am in a NY state of mind.  I can feel the shift.  Walk fast, no eye contact, I am eluding attitude through every pore.

Oh and if I want wifi at this hotel, it's 5 euro for an hour and then 2 euro every hour after.

I'm pissed.  I'm tired, I'm annoyed.    

I want to cry.  I left the security of Umbertide for the craziness of Roma.   I suppose sooner or later it had to end.  It did.

I think it will easier to go home from here, as this already feels like the U.S.

The one thing that did take my breath away today were the men.  I have never been someone to comment on men, not even kidding around with friends.  But oh my, I have seen a handful of men who are absolutely gorgeous and I mean that in the best way.  I could look at them like I look at a beautiful sculpture, except they are walking and are in color.

It seems anything goes here too,  the styles of dress are all over the place.

I am all of sudden doubting everything.    What am I doing here?  Why am I feeling so misplaced?  I should of stayed for another week in Umbertide, saved a lot of money, and just left it at that.

I know, I sound miserable.  I just don't know what to do with myself.  I can't sit in there with the windows shut and sleep.  I guess I can leave them open, but it is noisy as all hell.  

Remember that movie 'Big' with Tom Hanks?  The first night he has to sleep in NYC on his own, he looks like he is 30 but he is really just a kid?  That is how I feel.  I am here, it is noisy, it is expensive, and I feel scared, I guess that is it, I didn't realize I was really scared.

I have a quick coverup mode and I didn't catch how fearful I am.

Scared of what?  I don't think anyone will hurt me.  I think I made a mistake coming?  I am upset with myself. I am angry with myself.

I think a lot has to do with being sick, with having symptoms that I haven't had in about 3 months.  Oh and (how did I forget this?) I had a lot of paining my liver this morning on the bus.  I know my liver profile was high in July.  I am due to a repeat blood test this month.

I'm upset because it is getting harder and harder to ignore the pain.  Pain is the great equalizer, isn't that what they say?  You can the world on a plate, but if you are in  physical pain, it's hard to get past it.

How do I not let illness run my life?  I hate thinking about it. I detest having to write about it.  I don't want it here.  I want it to stay home in VT where it belongs.

I really hate that I am sick. I have been trying to run away from it for a while now.  (here come the tears of frustration)   How do live?  How do I have a healthy relationship with my body when my immune system is attacking me?

I feel sick to my stomach that this is part of my blog.

There is a nice breeze coming through the window.   

Have I lost all that wonderful stuff from the last 3 weeks?  Was it real?   It was.

I need some time to adjust.  I'll find a cafe somewhere, a touch stone.

I am going to be okay.  I am not an asshole, I am not stupid, I am not an idiot.  

I'm just a girl (I do feel young inside) trying new things.   Why be hard on myself?  

It's okay to feel unsure, it is okay to feel scared.

I am here.  I took the bus, I took the cab, I checked in, I found the steps,  the fountain and my way back to my hotel.

Rest now, just let it all go and relax.  It's okay.  Shhhhh…..