the longest day...

(*my hotel charges  a fee for wifi access by the hour!  please excuse the many typos from typing fast.)


I feel asleep around 2:30am and was up at 7.

I had energy, so I was out the door by 7:30, heading to the Forum.

(I so badly want to say, "Funny thing...")

On the way there I saw this incredible building, Plazza Venezia.  I was stunned.  It is so big!

I felt small and that felt good.  

I got to the Forum a few minutes before it opened.  There was only about 15 of us for maybe the first hour?  It was great.  I listened to the audio thing.  They are doing a lot of work there, so a few times the path ended with a chain, but it was fine with me.  Plenty to see.

I liked the Vestal's area and the columns to Jupiter.  Oh is was all grand.  I have had no interest in seeing art, I love the buildings.

My plans for today were to go to the coliseum and the forum, that was all.  

This is what I saw today, following the muses:

Palatine, Vesta Temple, Arch of COnstatine, Greco stone thing, Trastevere (cute bookstore there) Castle of S. Angelo, the vatican, palazzo di Guistizia.

I walked for 11 hours.  Okay I stopped for 10 minutes to eat a salad and sat a few minutes here and there, but it was a long day.

It kept expanding eveytime I thought I'd head back to the hotel.

It is a great city. I can see how someone coming into Rome would believe that Romans were desendants from the gods.  Amazing.

I felt good in the morning. By midday I found myself being hard on myself again.  I caught a reflection of myself in a store window and my esteem came crashing down.

I really don't know what I look like, I see that as I write this.  I am surprised again and again with what I look like...and when did I get so old?  

I wonder if I ever knew what I looked like?   There is this split somewhere about how I think I look and how I really look.  There is another split between how I feel about myself and how I look.  Maybe everyone feels that way, I don't know.

I saw a lot ofpeople today.  Most of them, I don't notice much.  Just regular looking people.  There are a lot couples, many who I wouldn't consider good looking at all.

When did I learn that only good looking people find love?  Too many movies or is this the message I have always gotten?

What is this hard wired beleif that if I am beautiful, someone will love me?

Perhaps I have it backwarbs, when you love someone, they are beautiful.

I saw some people dressed very elegantly and all of sudden felt like I was wearing a burlap bag.  I know quality when I see it.  I enjoy it.  I am not sure I could pull it off, but I'd like to try someday.

Is it the clothes or the people wearing them?  SOme people are just good at wearing clothes.  I am not sure where I am on the list.

I noticed I was talking out loud to mysekf today.  Most ofthe time in response to how astonished I am about what I am looking at.  A few times I had to tell myself to calm down, becasue this overwhelming urge to despise myself came up again and again in the late morning. After half an hour, it was gone.

This conflict of how I think I look and then how I look, is getting more and more noticable to me.

I am definelty more happy when I am not thinking about myself.

I did a lot today.  I wasn't lonely.  I enjoyed being free to go where whims took me.  I found a very pretty scarf for 6 euro in a small shop in Traverste.   I had a nice conversation wiht the scottish woman at the bookstore in that area too.  She said something that stuck with me, how puritan america is.  yes, puritan, that word perfectly expresses what I was saying the other day.  There is less uptightness  (is that even a word?)  here.   The women here appear stronger here, no that isn't right, they seem more assured of themselves.  It is a viseral thing, I have never felt that before.

I noticed a lot of goddess, female statues today.  I wonder what effect that has onthe psyche (another goddess, by the way) to have women from antiquity around here?

Not just the mother of god, but women (who have sex) before christianity began.  It has got to make a difference.

I have been taking photos of myself on this trip, that is a new thing for me.  Normally I would not want to see myself.  Gee, that's probably not a normal thing is it?  Hmm..

Anyway, while I was in S. Peter's  (I didn't know I was at the vatican for 15 mnutes, I thought it was another roman thing, well it is)  a nice young woman saw me taking a photo of myself and offered to take one of me.  Then she asked if I wanted another one taken in front of the vatican.  I said yes.  I aksed her if she wanted me to take a photo of her, she said no, she had freinds with her. (those last few words she said, they hung in the air for me "i have freinds with me")

earlier, as I was walking towards the (unknown) vatican, i heard someone say "ma"  it sounded just like my oldest son.  It was odd.

About 10 minutes later, I get to thinking that maybe something happened to him (you read abou this kind of stuff happening and my mom and i have this connection, thinking of each other and calling at the same time)

anyway, I call home.  He answers the phone. (good sign)  I tell him what happened and then cry. (what is with all this crying this month?!)  i had this wave of emotion, of love for him.  

strange.

I tell my son i am standing on the heart line in the vatican, like from the 'davinci code' movie.  he looks up the area on goole maps, he is looking at it while I am standing there.  We were enjoying it 'together'.

I did notice other people alone today, not many, but a few here and there.

I saw some beggers today, physically disabled. I give them a euro ot 2 euro coin.  Whenever I pass someone hurting/disabled, I say 'blessings' .

I started with this 'blessings' thing during the winter when I was at Dartmouth hospital. I woudl see people going through a tough time adn I would jsut say 'blessings' under my breath as I passed them.

Why not, maybe it helps.

  I have not found a cafe to hang out in yet.  They all seem too fancy to me.  Maybe I'll find one tomorrow.  I am heading over to the Pantheon and campo di fiori.  also the Museo Altemps.

  

Thurs I have the gallery borghese tickets that I bought last month.

The time is flying by here.   It is very different than Umbertide.

I am not sure what I want to do with my time here.

I am taking it as it comes.  having no big plans.  I would like to relax and read a bit.  I think thursday after the gallery, i will hang out around that area, looks like it would be a good place to relx.   I hope so.

I don't want my time here to just be about walking and taking photos and gazing upwards.

I want some time to let things soak in too.

'Heritage Days' this weekend, so the city should be PACKED.  Yikes, that doens't sound like a lot of fun.  Hey, you never know.

Physically, I am feeling a 5 on a 1-10 scale.

I am concerned about it and at the same time, just letting it be what it is.

As I sit here at almost 9pm, after a full day, I feel disconnected.  From what..I don't know.

I have been so emotional lately.  Sad, thrilled, bursting with awe, looking at the bathroom mirror wondering who is looking back at me.

I walked around today (for the most part) confident and sure of myself.  When I finally got back to the hotel and put onthe TV, I saw the stupid stuff that always makes me want to cringe: wrestling, pretty people reporting horrible news with a plastic smile, silly talk shows, soap operas, I feel like I don't belong to that society of people.  Do people really take that stuff seriously?

I get that feeling of not fitting in again.  Is life about just keeping ourselves busy enough, occupied enough to miss what life is about?

Maybe whatever we do, that is what life is about?

So my life is about always trying to get better?  To figure it out, as though there were a secret to uncover?

Have I made life difficult?  Have I made life something that you only get to enjoy if you try real hard?

Being alone for 25 days now, I can see where parts of me are dotted lines.  I am not sure I am filling them in, but I see them and that is new.

Breath.  There is no way to fail here.  I need to remind myself, it's okay...it's okay.

Whatever is, it is okay.

I don't have to figure it out.

I am tired, my body aches, I am in a magical city, there is nothing to achieve.  

I am enough.   And I need to remember, things always look better after a good night's sleep.