Beginning to unwind?

Today is the beginning of Day 9. I fell asleep around 1:30am and woke up around 7ish (as usual) but I did something different today.  Rather than hop out of bed, wash up and go out for my run, I used the little bathroom up a half level (I usually use the one down 2 flights) and then I went back to bed.

I slept on and off (mostly on) for another 3 hours.

There was this inner dialog of "people are up and about, time to get moving" but I would reposition myself in the bed and fall back into a deep sleep.

There is no clock in the bedroom. I like that, as at home I do not have one either. (I use my cell phone is I need an alarm)

After washing up, I came downstairs to see what is left in the fridge.  Some ricotta cheese and small grapes. Lovely.

I sat on the couch and started to eat, then this panicky vibe starts making itself known to me.

As I thought about what I needed to do today, go to the train station and visit the pharmacy (a friend wants me to get some cold sore cream for her) I felt overwhelmed and wanted to cry.

I know there are personalities (temperaments) that would do much better here than I am.  When I think about what I need to do, it seems so hard.  I dread the response when I tell people I do not speak Italian.
I am sensitive person, I have always picked up others energy too easily. I struggle often to turn off this mechanism and let things be.

When I am in the moment, I do fine.  But thinking about it, I want to cry and say I'm tired.

I didn't realize how much of my life in the US is on automatic pilot. I am independent and do many things alone. It is odd to be at a disadvantage here, I feel weak.

I can stand up in front of a class and lecture (off the cuff) for 2 hours, no problem.  But the thought of seeing the lady at the butcher store, when I have to point to the meat I want, that makes me feel uneasy.

I guess I wish I could be more carefree, but just because I am in a different part of the world doesn't mean I haven't brought along who I am.

I am envious of easy-going people, people who seem to roll with the punches. I know a woman at home in VT who was brought up in Germany. She has that kind of personality, she just shows up and does things, even if her English is broken or she doesn't know things.  She has this confidence or maybe she just doesn't worry about how others see her, I don't know.

So for today, I am glad that I let myself mold into the moment, sleeping when tired and letting the panic be what it is.

It all seems like so much effort, as though I have to put on armor in order to get anything done.
Why?  Why not move through the day like a twig floating on a river?

Do I think I must do everything well, all the time?

I really am very hard of myself, expecting so much.

This morning as I looked out on the day, the spectacular light dancing through the windows, the 600 year old wooden beams on the ceiling, the tiled floor, the Italian language floating up from the ground level...I stayed with that, I was there too.  "Being in Italy"

Ciao, p