Mattina

It is Friday morning and I had my best night sleep in over 2 weeks.  I slept in the little room which is the 2nd floor.  It is a small bed and there is no view but I snuggled up with a comforter and Belli around midnight, waking up around 8am refreshed and renewed.

I went for my morning run, wearing the only sweater I have, a nice lavender one.  The first half of the run was hard, hard! Then off came the sweater and I don't remember the run back, it was that quick and easy.

I have been thinking about starting a group, a group for women even since early August after attending a women's gathering.  This connection to the earth, being daughters of nature, letting go of what is expected of us and being real, this is my pull of late.

From my many years of studying mythology, I know how important ritual is, I have seen it here in Italy.  Having a long standing connection to something larger, greater, much older than you, is somehow needed for the psyche/soul/heart  I think.  For me it is anyway.

The women's gathering I went to was so laid back.  Just women being close to nature.  No big fuss, no fashion shows, no men bashing(which is very important to me), just nature.  There were 4 huge tents set up to represent air, water, earth and fire.  The food was simple and vegetarian, we served ourselves and cleaned up after ourselves.  We all signed up for a duty during the weekend too.

It was such a loving feeling, no one with a big ego setting the pace.  This was the first time I felt I belonged.  Belonged to what?  To the earth, to womenkind, to humankind, to everything.  I never felt like most women, or at least how most women appear to me.

I didn't feel not a woman, I just didn't fit into any of the categories available.  It is like being in high school and there is no clique for you.  Not even a nerd.

After the gathering I knew that I needed to look far beyond my parents and grandparents to see where I am from, I am a child of nature, daughter to the earth, universe.  A unique manifestation of energy, of subatomic particles.  And so is everybody else.  THAT levels the playing field and I like that feeling.
No one is better than another.

Coming out of hiding, that is what the past 2 months has been about.  I didn't even know I was hiding, I just thought I was insufficient, weird, too wounded.  I thought for sure something was wrong with me.
I'd look around at the lives my friends were leading and think "If that's IT, what's the point?"  Yet I wanted to live.  My biggest fear has never been death. (Many times I have yearned for it)

My fear has always been life.  Being open, blossoming in full view, allowing what I am...to be, that has been the fear that creeps around in the dark cave of my soul.

I have made decisions most of my life based on the motif, not to enter the cave, not to look at what is inthe cave NOT to let out, what is in the cave.

Like holding a ball under water, I have exerted a lot of time and pressure to this job.

Why?

I don't know and I don't think it really matters.

Letting the ball pop up, seeing it for what it is and letting it move along the currents of the waters, that is what I have done.

The ball isn't bad, I am not ashamed of it. I have more time and energy now that my focus isn't on controlling and hiding the ball.

I am all over the place in this blog today.  But this is for me, so what the hell.

I am not bound by past.  I am not bound to what others want or need me to be.  I am not bound by what I think I should be.

Last night, laying in the new comfy bed, I said out loud, "I believe in love. I believe, I believe, I believe".  It came through me.  I listened and acknowledged.

When I was running back today, it came up again.  I let it come, no holding it under.

(crying now)  "I believe in love. I believe, I believe, I believe."

I have no idea what this is about, but this is what is moving on the waters of my soul.

"I believe in love.    I believe.    I believe.     I believe."

Maybe you do too.