autumn begins

I woke up in a funk this morning.  My feet had numb spots and painful spots...I didn't want to be  a 'sick person' again yet.

So I didn't run this morning.  I dragged my ass in the shower, got dressed, and threw myself out the door.  I had to go to a new store and get something printed.  Success.

I stopped to say goodbye to Angelo, the general store owner.  He is always so kind.  He's always good for a wink at me with a twinkle in his eye. (innocently)  He strikes me a good man. His wife is a lucky woman.  I asked to take a photo, he was happy.  It came out great with him standing behind the counter.

I ran over to get some hot food from the large butcher shop.  Today they had spare ribs, okay.
I had brunch at 11am.  Good ribs!

My mood was consistent with the weather, overcast and grey with threatening clouds.  I couldn't shake the gloom.

I remember thinking before I went to sleep last night, "What if nothing has changed?"  Not the sweetest of things to consider before going to dream land, I agree.

Last night, my old life in VT came tumbling down on me during a phone call from home.  I automatically went into what I call my "executive" mode (think of the most excellent secretary in history, proactive in every detail and thinks ahead AND takes care of it, making it look so easy, no one knows what she does).

  When I hung up, I thought, "Things are the same at home".  

Crap, I don't want to be part of that anymore.  But life has its bumps and I know that the best way to deal with it, is to ride it out.  It's like an obstacle course, something is going to come up sooner or later.  Sometimes it is a low bar you can step over easily, sometimes it's a tower 40 feet high with a mote.  But to think that there will be a time when no more obstacles show up, that is crazy.  I talk to myself and say, "obstacle...it's okay".

Around 11:30 this morning I decide to go to Perugia.  I want to be at my 'place on the hill' for autumn today.  I know it begins at 4:49pm  (16:49) and I am going.  So I do.

I walk around Perugia for a while. I get to 'the place' around 2:30.  I sit on my stone bench.  HOME.
I meditate for a while.  People watch.  Dove watch too.

A white van pulls up to the door of the church.  There is going to be a wedding there today at 5pm.
What an excellent idea, getting married in a sacred round church at the equinox and half moon.
So romantic.

They have decorated the very plain church with purple and white flowers and ribbons and lots of candles.  It is beautiful.

I walk down the staircase toward the tower, next to the round church.  The museum is open. YES.
I pay for 3 euro and walk up narrow steps for about 5 levels.  Out on top, what views!!  I take a lot of photos. Some of me too, glad I have long arms.

I head back over to the church around 4:30.  There are about 20 people dressed up hanging out around the door.  The groom is there.  I sit on my stone bench and take out my cell phone, waiting for 4:49.

Here it is, AUTUMN.  I take a photo of the sun shining on the original door (sealed up) so it must be west facing.

I pretty much bounce off the bench.  I am suddenly rejuvenated, psyched.  I prance down the road.  What has happened?

I quicken my pace a few minutes later, knowing I want to catch the 5:31 train.  I start feeling like I am in Manhattan, as I pass people with my fast pace.  "Scuzi, scuzi"  I say every few minutes until I get to the train station with 10 minutes to spare.  YES.

I get in the train, take out my paper and pen and write for the next 30 minutes.  Pages of words,  metaphorical tree, me beginning the autumn of my life.  No longer being green, no longer feeding off others for my nourishment, letting my tree colors show, not having to hold so tightly to the branch, letting things fall away, on and on it went.  It was beautiful and I was touched by my own writing.

I was happy to say goodbye to my 'summer' and enter into my autumn.
(always my favorite season, by the way)

I have always been drawn to tree metaphors.  I wear a silver pendant that is a tree with a small bird on a branch.  I bought it for myself 2 years ago for my birthday.    I love the tiny bird, that's me watching.

I also like the idea of having deep roots, living in rich soil.

I once talked to a friend about how much I wanted to meet another 'tree'.  Someone who knew what kind of tree they were,  could hold themself up,  had their own space, wasn't looking to shade me,  produced their own kind of fruit, swayed with the heavy winds,  had deep roots that could touch mine.

I once said I wanted to be with someone "who came from the same dirt".  Yes, I really talk like this sometimes.  I have very few friends.

I don't want shrub friends, needing pruning and grow in every direction, spreading like crazy, often the outside looks good, but inside, ugly brown brittle branches that look dead.

I don't want grass, everyone walks on it, it wants to be manicured all the time.

I don't know why I think like this, but I tend to 'see' things.  Maybe that is why I love mythology, but I usually don't care for poetry.  Hmm...

I am feeling much better since Autumn started.  I took a walk around 8:30p and there was the moon.  It looked half to me.  Balanced.  It all goes together today.  Oh and truthfully, when I got off the train and walked away from the train station, a leaf hit me in the head.  I mean it, I felt it.  I looked behind me and saw this long orangey/brown leafy thing on the ground.

Yeah, I know all about losing parts of myself.  Illness can feel like losing things.  Growing older...watching your kids start living more on their own...waking up to painful feet...looking around this house, knowing I am leaving early Monday morning.  Loss.

But to lose something, I must have had something first.  For all I have, for all I have had, I am grateful.  Thank you.  Thank you for all I have, once had, will never have again.

I am in the autumn of my life.  My colors are showing.  I look forward to peaking, when the reds. golds, oranges pop in color.  There is much to look forward to before I enter the winter of my life.

A new beginning, a new season...my tree is shaking with anticipation of what will be.

Welcome autumn, it's good to be home, it's good to be me.