a most wonderful day

Fabulous day, yet not much to tell.  This is my last full day in Italy too.  

Maybe it was because there was nothing to do and no where to go.  I felt free.

I packed up my bigger suitcase last night, the one I will be checking.  I organized things, so that felt good to wake up to all that done.

My mood all day has been one of glee.   I sang on my run, "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire.." (I ran past someone selling them).   I sang later in the day "SInging in the rain"  because it was raining.

A beautiful, rainy, cooler, Sunday in Roma.  I loved it.

I didn't look at the map as much today. I let myself wander more. I did this the last time I went to Perugia too.  It is great to spend enough time somewhere so you can take it SLOW.

I headed towards Altemps, I went into a church on the way.  Then I saw a nice cafe in San Lucina, so I sat down to get a cappuccino, but saw that they had BREAKFAST. 

My first breakfast in Italy.  I ordered 'the number 2'  a spinach and mushroom omelet, fresh orange juice, coffee, yogurt and fruit.  It was divine.  I loved the cafe and the waiters too.  The yogurt was so thick and creamy…I wish I could have finished it, but I was full.  All that for 15 euro.  

When I got to the museo, I found out it was free.  I saved 10 euro.  I was able to take a film of the several of the rooms.  I am happy about being able to share this place with my family.  I sat with Persephone for a while and then Juno.  I took lots of photos of them from different angles.  

I was having an easy cozy comfortable day.  I continue to 'practice' smiling too.  I smile in a crowd like I see someone on the other side of the street.  What the hell?

It started to drizzle and I have a little bit of trouble trying to find that cafe at Chiostro del Bramante. I knew I was close by.  I stood there for a while.  I went left, boom there was the sign.

I visited their bookstore and picked out a few bookmarks. They also sold a tote bag with their name of it, I bought one of those too.  I like to support such a great idea.

I found a seat and wrote and then read a little.  There were more people there than last time.  It was the perfect place on a rainy Sunday.   

I looked out the window in the sitting room area again, this time knowing what I was seeing. (Raphael!)  It is a sight to behold.  I felt like I was in on a big secret.

I also thought about the nuns who used to live there.  I walked around the 2nd floor and then down into the court years.

I thought it must of been nice to have a community.  They lived together with the same beliefs, protected from the outside world.  I wonder if they went out to help people without those people needing to believe (accept) Christ as their savior?

Jesus didn't ask people to accept him as the savior?  Unless I missed something in history.

I liked it at the cafe.  It would be the kind of place I would visit regularly if I lived here in Roma.

My son called while I was there and he said I sounded very happy.  It wasn't just the cafe, it was also that I am going home soon.  I am truly excited about flying to Ireland and then home.  I miss my life.  I do not miss who I used to be.

I never could have guessed that I would look forward to returning to my life.   I realize that my life is fine, it's wonderful.  I was the one who was not doing so well.

I was always focused on how things should be different, less medical appt, less cleaning, less bills.

But really, it was that I was not complete, I was not full in myself.  I was a shadow of a person trying to carry the weight of a real person.

All the things that were driving me crazy before I came to Italy, they are no longer my big concerns. What I learned, what this month has taught me, is that the most important thing is how I am doing, within myself.  Am I aware?  Am I honest? Am I open to what is happening? Am I willing to follow urges, even when I don't know why?

I see now that because I was so off balance with my nature, everything seems hard, difficult, wrong.

I thought I was hard, difficult, wrong.   I found out that over many years, I lost touch with the natural rhythms of life and myself.

It is vital that I stay in touch with the whoosh whoosh sounds of my soul.  It is there that I live.  And once there, I have myself as I deal with the bills, the chores, the stress, etc.

Maybe that is why I am excited about going home, because for the first time, "I" am going home.

Not that empty shell of a woman, trying to keep the shredded threads together so it looks like a blanket.  

Those threads weren't me.  I've let them go, let them fall into tiny pieces, into the ground.

I don't need a blanket.  I don't need to make me 'look' like anything or anyone.

I am whole.  I am a natural expression of life.

And this feeling I have for myself, I know that that is the way it is with everyone.  So I am no more/no less than anyone else.  There is nice community to live in.  And I don't have to live in a cloister.

Another magical thing happened today.  I mentioned to that woman I met on Friday that I wanted to get a haircut.  She told me the name of her hairdresser (her hair was lovely, very stylish and classic) . So on a Saturday night, I emailed the salon.  What the hell I thought, I'm in Roma.

Well the owner called me about 2 hours ago and said he had an opening at 11am tomorrow.

YIPPEE!  He is American so we had a nice chat.  I made it clear I wasn't looking for anything funky, just a classic haircut.  He assured me, this was the place.  

So tomorrow I am off to Popolo piazza for an italian haircut.  I am very excited. (nervous too)

I am very particular about haircuts.  I know that not many people really KNOW hair.  I have very straight hair, so it has to be cut with a good technique and I don't for any of that razor cutting.

It's been over 6 months since my last cut, I wasn't able to do it before I left.

I don't know, it seems symbolic to me to have my hair cut before I leave.  The vestal virgins used to have there hair cut, not that I am a vestal, but it still feels cool.

Another magical thing falling into place.  All I did was ask and leave it up to the fates.  If I get a bad haircut, well I can write about that too.  I'll just be happy to have my hair washed, I love that.

I only need a trim, so what can they do, eh? (fingers together and gesturing like Italians)

I am happy.  

I am content.  

Sitting here on my hotel bed, leaning against the wall for my back, listening to an American movie dubbed in Italian (Doogie Houser and the smurfs? For real ? Wow America makes some weird films) and all is right with me.

I know things don't always go my way but as long I allow myself to be natural, to flow with the natural flow, there is a contentment and a peace that is priceless.

I know going home means dr appt…I have 4 of them in the first 3 weeks and maybe some not so great news about my health.  It's okay.

There is room enough for illness.  It doesn't completely define me, nothing can.

Going with the flow, going with my heart, saying 'yes' to what is and opening the 'no' parts of myself.(those tiny rooms with little tiny doors)

This is where that sense of freedom is coming today.

i feel love.  Not toward anything or anyone, just love.  

This smurf movie is really bad…ah life!   Love and a bad movie, I can handle it.  

full moon...again

Today has been a mixed day…first off I woke up with a lot of pain.  I don't know if my illness is taking a turn for the worse or I am just pushing myself too much…maybe both.  It was a tough way to start the day.  

I am sort of in denial about it. Ugh, I really don't want to be thinking about this while in Italy.

I didn't know what to do this morning.  I was uneasy, uncomfortable.

After watching 'Curious George' dubbed in Italian on TV, I decided to go run.  I am not going to let illness turn me into a sick person.

So off I went.  I was able to run to Popolo, but I needed to stop and hang out there for 10 minutes.  I was able to run back.

Later, I went bak to the Pantheon. it was still early enough that the crowds weren't too bad.  I sat facing the statue of the woman with a goddess woman standing behind her with her hand on her shoulder.  I find it very moving, very symbolic.  I was there for a while.  I realized how tired I was too.  When I got up to stand, there was pain, pretty bad in my right hip.  I was very surprised and upset.  I walked slowly and it eased up.

With so much walking, I would think it would be healthy for me.  I don't want what is happening to me.  But that doesn't mean much, does it?

I headed over to Campo di Fiori, wondering if the market was better on Saturday.  Not really, although there was a vendor making fresh juices, orange and pomegranate.  I asked for a mix of both.  For 3 euro, it was the best deal I've had in Italy to date.  I enjoyed it very much.

The city was getting busier and busier, I was feeling drained.  I went back to the hotel around noon.  I wanted to take a nap, but a car alarm went off.  Then it stopped.  

Then it went off.  Then it stopped.

Yup, then if went off again.   This was turning into a frustrating day.

I got up and headed over to Borghese gardens, figuring on a hot day like this, sitting under a tree with a book was a good idea.

I was wrong.  This was the first time in a month that I missed the U.S.    I walked around looking or  a place to sit.  I walked over to the lake, but I was disappointed.  It is very small, not natural, and people rent row boats.    I kept walking.

Everything seemed to irritate me today.  The couples hanging all over each other, the kids being noisy, the tourists taking pictures of everything and being rude and loud.  

I wanted to find a comfortable place to relax.  

After sitting under a tree and not feeling comfortable, I decided to go sit on a long arch shaped bench near a small empty temple.

I laid down on that and wrote:

29th day wow.  I'm ready to go home. That's good to say and feel.  FUll moon tonight. 
Full lunar cycle, this journey.

I got to Italy on a Blue moon (Aug 31st) and now it's Harvest Moon...oh mythological symbols!

I'm tired. It would have been nice to sleep, but that car alarm. 

Rome is everything, every place is…fantastic, boring, beautiful, disturbing.  For every coin has 2 sides.

I like it in the morning, it is quiet and empty.  Running through it, like it is just for me.

I miss the geography of the Northeast America.  The grass, the parks.  

It is much cooler now with the breeze. Off-season Rome better, November?

I keep asking myself, 'What's wrong?'.  Seeing couples is hard, the hugs the kisses the affection.

I will just be affectionate toward everyone I know when I get back..

I don't know what these couples have going for them. I see that women are very concerned about looks.  

Are we selling ourselves?  Is it all for looks?

Is it, get a man at all costs and hang on?

Is it real?  What's real?

I have learned how to smile. 

There is A LOT of beauty and ancient things in the world. 

I like and appreciate who I am.

In my next relationship I know what I have to offer.

 I am not free, not apologizing, not playing it safe, not playing small.

I have been on my own for a month.  I have a mother, brother, 2 sons, an ex-husband, and a few friends.

It's okay for me to dress how I like.  I LIKE classic lines, clothes.  I can be sensual.  I can fully inhabit my space.

I put my notebook away and just relaxed there, on my back, for about an hour.  I might of drifted off into a light sleep at one point. 

I am surprised that all of a sudden I am ready to go home.  'Boom', just like that.  Maybe it is the full moon.  The cycle is complete.

What I need to do now, I need to do in my life.  

I am so very lucky to have had this time.  It has been much more than I imagined possible. 

I am as happy about going home as I was about coming here.  I think that is a good sign.

Now I am going to go out and look at the moon.  "LA BELLA LUNA"

Someone new and something red

I woke up at 5:47am but easily feel back asleep.  When I got up, I started to get dressed for a run, even before I had my first coherant thought.

 I ran toward the Emmanual Monument (?) I stopped when I got there.  That place to so large, it always takes my brain a while to soak it in.  I ran back to the hotel.  Thankfully, less humid today.

I was heading over to the Massimo Palazza today.  I was feeling good about myself, letting any negative thoughts fall to the ground.

On the way to the museo, I saw the Repubblica and the Santa Maria Angeli.  There was a huge crowd in that area, some kind of parade demonstration.   I am clueless to what is happening in the world. 

The Massimo was INCREDIBLE.   I can't believe so many precious statues are in one place.  The mosaics were phenomenal and Livia's frescos…well I had to sit down for a few minutes, it was that emotional.

I felt like a full woman today.  I don't know why, I just felt as though I inhabited my body.  I walked with my head high because I realized yesterday that I tend to hold my head downward and keep my eyes downcast when I pass men.

I see many Italian women, of various sizes and looks, walking with confidence.  I don't notice this in the U.S.   (Maybe because my head is down? No seriously, I don't see it often.)  

I notice this fear I have that if I present myself fully, I will get punished.  The thought that went through my head was "someone will put me in my place".   Where is that from?  I don't remember being taught that, but it is there.

This second chapter of my life seems to be a time when I am looking at my 'software'  and seeing what needs to be deleted and what to keep.

I stopped for an espresso this morning, I follow business men and go where they go.  It works.
GREAT espresso.

For lunch today, I saw 3 business men go into this upscale deli so I went in too.  There was a coffee counter and then prepared foods and then some hot buffet food, tables in the back.  I watched what they ordered and pointed it out when it was my turn.  It was fish and baked potato slices. I picked the string beans with tomatoes.  It was so good.  My first fish in Italy!

I walked as fast as these tired feet would carry me this afternoon to go to meet a woman from a travel website I have used a lot in the past few months.  I met her at the Altemps museum and she took me to this funky, cool place for caffe.  It used to be a convent, now it has a cafe and a room with comfortable chairs.  It was quiet which was very welcomed.  The city seems so loud the last 2 days.

We had a nice talk.  We clicked.  I felt bad that I was so tired but I carried my own, I think.  

I was myself, no holds barred.  It was lovely.

They played music that I love there, Tom Jones, the 5th Dimension, etc.

This place was an oasis.  I am very grateful to her for showing it to me.  I could never find it again.  It took me 10 minutes to figure out where the hell I was going after we departed near the Pantheon.

It was good to talk English.  It was good to hear about another woman's journey.  Like I said to her,  "Women need women"  it is in our nature I believe.  There are probably a lot of people out there living their dreams, taking those scary steps.  I guess when we do it ourselves, we meet them on the path.

Here I am in Roma, having a chilled espresso and milk in a martini glass, sitting on a stone edge of a courtyard of a convent chatting with this interesting woman.   LIFE!!

I wanted to talk to my first friend in Roma more, but I was really feeling mentally exhausted.  We may meet up again before I leave Monday evening.  

I dragged my ass back to the hotel, even though I was hungry.  I feel into bed for a little while.  Then I went out and found a little market on Via  Del Croce.  I bought greek feta, black olives and smoked salmon to go.  They aren't too friendly there, but I am less sensitive about that these days.

The salmon was divine!  Sitting on my bed eating with my fingers, oh baby!  It tasted as though it had a light oil and lemon sauce on it.  Oh I will be going back to that shop before I leave.

I feel complete today.  I am not sure in what aspect(s), but there is a sense of having completed something.  This makes me think back to grad school, when I had to take a one credit independent study class to make sure I had enough credits to graduate.  I feel as though I just finished my last required course.  On some level, I am done.

I bought myself a little magnet 2 days ago.  It says (in latin) I came, I saw, I conquered.    

I came to Italy.  I saw Italy.  

I conquered an old image of myself.

I am not her anymore.  For the first time in my life I feel worthy...worthy of myself, to myself.

I can smile.  I can travel to Europe alone.  I can just be me.  I can look at myself and not cringe.

I feel I am worth loving, worth caring for, worth my admiration.  I enjoy who I am.

I am kind, I am intelligent, I am interesting, I am funny, I am me.   

Hmm, none of those things is about the way I look.   Good!

I am growing up from the inside and I like having a strong grounding within myself.

I bought myself a gift today.  I have been looking here and there at red pocketbooks.
I don't like tourist shops. I don't like to shop in fancy shops.

As I was walking around today, I went into a place that had some leather things.  In the back of the store I saw a red bag.  It is small, simple, casual and for wearing across the body.  (great for travel!)

 I put it on and looked in the mirror.  

It was me.

I know what that means now.

  

found and lost

Again, I didn't sleep much…but I woke up around 6am and it was still dark.  Being away for a month, I am out of touch with things. 

It's almost October, sure it should be darker, but for me it's still Aug 31st when I left.

I decided to go for a run.  I had energy, it was early, I was awake.  It felt good to get on my running outfit and sneaks!

Off I went, from the hotel door towards the Popolo Piazza. There was hardly anyone out, except delivery guys. It was HUMID.

Running felt good, I passed the Spanish steps and kept going.  I got to the end and ran around the big Egyptian pencil thing and stared back.  I saw 2 other runners along the way.  

It was pretty cool to be running on empty streets of Roma.  I was never out of breath, the legs felt good, the feet are doing the best they can and I love them for it.

I stopped near the hotel and walked. I walked toward the Spanish steps.  There was one couple there and a man with a very professional-looking camera.

I ran up the stairs, (MOST of them, anyway)  On top I looked out as the day was breaking over Roma.  Then I said out loud, "Look at me ma, top of the world!"  (from an old James Cagney movie)

I felt great.  It was very muggy and not even 7am yet.  Not a good sign.

I stopped for a cappuccino at a neighborhood bar, lots of locals there.  

Today was my Galleria Borghese day.  I headed over early, getting there at 9am, for an 11am reservation.  I asked if there was room for me in the 9, but they were full.  (For the next 3 days)

I walked around, it is a BIG place.  Again, nothing is on a grid system.  There is no N S E  and W to hang onto.  I saw a lot of runners in the park.  I wanted to say to them, "Hey I ran this morning"  What does it matter anyway?  But I did want to tell them.  I had a great breakfast,  a bag of chips off a vendor.  Gluten-free living in Roma is tough!

I actually thought about not going into the museum.  It looked like a big fancy house, similar to houses in Newport RI.  But I walked around the beautiful grounds and soon it was almost 11am.

It was well worth the wait.  The sculptures were fabulous, lots of goddesses again.  The collection there is huge.  The rooms each have their own theme

One of them had a ceiling of the gods of olympus, it was really fun to look up and see them there, relaxing and seeming very human.

The sculptures that I was most taken by had no postcards or posters in the gift shop.  I have found museum giftshops pretty poor here and that is a big disappointment.  They don't' sell canvas bags with their logo either.  I 'll drop a line to the Italian division of Tourism.

I was taking a photo of myself in from of the galleria this morning and I realized I lost something…

I lost my smile.  

I think I haven't smiled genuinely since I was 16 or so. 

I don't know how to smile for a photo. Seriously, I tried and took a few photos, it was not there.

I have been hiding from cameras for years but I had no idea that I didn't know how to smile anymore.  I did a very big forced smile, to see if I still had it in me.  I could do that, but it was such overkill effort.  I didn't know how to get to a smile until I over did it and then relaxed a bit.

I am not kidding, I was sitting on a bench in from of this incredible house, smiling.  I got a photo of a genuine smile, ONE.  But that is one more than I have had in many, many  years so I was happy.

I thought about how I could of lost my smile.  When did that happen?  What have I been doing without a smile all these years?

When did I start FAKE smiling?  This was illuminating. I have smiled several times today when walking around.  It would be funny if someone was following me around watching me smile.

Practice makes perfect.

I rested at the hotel during the heat of the day.  I didn't nap though.  I decided to go back to the Palazzo Altemps so I could take photos of the goddesses that moved me so much yesterday.

I wash up and I'm ready to go.  It is NEVER easy to find your way around here, everyone has a map or book.  The street signage is poor.  Another note to those Italian tourist employees.  

NOTE TO SELF:  When going to a museum specifially to take photos, make sure the camera battery has been charged.   

Frustrating!!  After a few minutes of angst, I tell myself this is a good sign, I can just take in the sculptures.  I walk round and round, I can't find the room.  I go upstairs and walk around, no. I go back downstairs, no.  

It is not air condoned, it is muggy and warm, and I am losing my mind, I know there is a room with 2 huge goddess heads and the relief of Persephone/Aphrodite.

I talk to myself  "Calm down and take it easy".  I start of the first floor again, slowly go from room to room.  Then I go upstairs and do the same, there it is, the 4th room I go into.

I sit down (I was so grateful there was a bench) and look at this masterpiece.  I stayed for about 30 minutes.

I find my way back to Campo di Fiori so I can eat a cheap gluten-free meal at the kebab place.  Bingo!  I enjoyed that very much.

I am not sure what happened after that…I used my handy dandy map but I would get lost every 5 minutes. I couldn't seem to get my bearings at all.

At one point, I decide to sit on a step and relax a bit.  I do that for 15 minutes.  I see the Capital area, it is now dusk and I see a big moon (not full yet). 

I walkover.  There is a political gathering I think, middle eastern?  

I think I know where I am.  Lost again.  Then I find the capital ruins, I stare at that for a while.  The moon is pretty and there are people around, so I feel safe in the dark.

I cannot get my bearings, this is the first time is has happened since I've been in Roma.  I just seem backwards.  It is very busy, lots of traffic, lots of people and nothing is familiar.  I stop every 2 blocks to find myself on the map.  

I ask a waiter, he points me in a direction.  I see a couple (middle-aged australian I think) and they are lost too.  We smile at each other and he tells me he think Via Corso (the rd I am looking for) is around the corner.  I thank him, but when I get around the corner, there are 5 different way to go. I stand there staring at my map, really feeling as though I am going to cry now.  It's late, I'm exhausted and I have no clue where the hell I am.

That austrailan couple come by and tell me they found out where they are on the map and show me.  I thank them profusely. I walk.

After 3 blocks, I ask someone else.  I keep going.  I can't believe how far I was from where I thought.  I walk for what seems like an hour, but FINALLY I get close to my rd, Via Della Vite.  I think I'll get myself a gelato to celebrate, but I walk around looking for a shop and I can't find one, it is very busy out, and I've done far too much today.

It takes me a bit to find my road again.  I race up the stairs, I cannot wait to get into the a/c air and take a shower…oh and collapse too!

I didn't like feeling lost, it was scary.  It was a tough way to end the day.

I got lost several times today.  I found my way back.  

And I found a long lost part of me.  All in all, a great day!

"Ma"

My oldest son called a few minutes after posting my latest blog.

I am still needed, in a sweet way.  
He needed to talk.  I listened.

I needed to talk.  He listened.

We always say "I love you" at the end of our calls. Tonight I added, "I think you're a great person."
He told me he thought I was a great person too.

I agreed.  And then I giggled.

Wednesday? Must be the Pantheon.

It's around 8pm.  I have decided to post last night's 2am document.   It is what it is.

Now, I'll tell you about today.

I slept for 4 hours, but felt pretty good, although my eyes were swollen from crying last night.

I showered and wore a new twist on an old outfit.  Brown capri pants with a greens/browns blouse, but I wore the blouse open and wore a white camisole with a pink bra.

When in Roma…

FIrst stop was the Pantheon.  Magnifico! It was early, so very few people were there. I was really taken back with it all.  I sat in a pew and starting singing (VERY quietly) a Hindu chant to the divine mother.  (Jiya, Jiya, divi mata).  I learned this from a CD about 15 years ago and it seems to pop into my awareness when needed.

I then went outside and sat on the fountain that faces  the Pantheon and went right into meditation (like at my hill temple in Perugia).

It was a great way to start the day.  I had no residual emotions from last night.

I walked over to Campo di Fiori and had a nice cappuccino. (3 euros!!!! crazy)  I was very disappointed with the market, maybe it is bigger on the weekend.  The market in Umbertide was much better than this one.

It was threatening rain all day, I did NOT bring Marjorie's umbrella. I did, however, bring my big sunhat.  I bought an umbrella from one of those corner magazine places.  I didn't want to get caught in the rain with my camera and cell phone.  It was a good decision because I didn't want to have to worry about it all day.  (NO, I never needed it today)

I walked around the piazza at Campo di Fiori and I liked it there. I also like it near the Pantheon.  Next time I come to Roma, I would like to stay in that area.  I really don't care for all the shops around my hotel.  I feel as though I am on 5th Avenue in NYC.  I am more comfortable in college towns and artist communities.

I was looking forward to going to the Palazzo Altemps today (a national roman museum, one ticket gives you access to 4 museums)  I knew it was north of Piazza Novana, so I had another walk through there.  The 2 smaller fountains were getting cleaned I guess.   The center one is awe-inspiring, although I liked it better at night, when I first saw it.

I got to  he museum easily enough and put my stuff in a locker.  It is absolutely divine.  The place only had a few other people there, many times I was the only one in the room.

It consists of 2 floors, before I finished the first, I was wiped out.  I was really touched by the goddess statues.  I also realized that we don't see women statues in America unless they are religious or a sex object.

What I saw today was neither.  

I didn't know how starved I was for affirmation by a woman, until today.  I sat in one of the rooms and an Aphrodite statue (she is standing naked with a towel in one hand) was looking at me.  The powerful goddess in a vulnerable position, just looking.  She wasn't strong, she wasn't weak.  She was.

I started to realize that seeing these goddesses today was the perfect accompaniment to last night's collapse.   There is more to me (and my gender) than being a mother, than being a objectified as sexual.  Here were ancient representations of who I am, of what woman is.

I have never had this kind of experience before.  I never realized how 'less than' I have felt.  A male figure has always  been the closest representation of God, of the great mystery, in my life. Even in my education, it is the men who are brave, change the world, write things, make history…women are supportive.

This is not about men, (I am not blaming them) this is about realizing I have never been 'baptized' (for lack of a better word right now) into womanhood. 

Looking at these big women today, it was reassuring, it was comfort, it felt like a blessing.   

(*Back tracking a bit) In the Pantheon this morning, there was a statue of a very large woman, standing with her arm on the shoulder of a smaller woman.  I had never seen a female 'God" figure in this kind of depiction.  I prayed to it.  I actually  prayed,  "Please show me the way" several times, while softly crying.

(Now that Ithink of it, Like George Bailey  in "It's a wonderful Life")   

It was then that I went and sat down in the pew and sang.

Back at the Altemps this afternoon:

I saw a relief of Aphrodie being lifted out of the bath (sea?) .  It was soft and sweet and eluded to lovingkindness.   I have seen this before, in the lecture series by Joseph Campbell.  He saw this relief in his lifetime too.  WOW…I was shocked, yet it all made sense.  My connection to Joseph Campbell is a strong one.  He has been a mentor to me, a grandfather figure.  I have been studying his works for over 25 years.  Here was another connection.

Next to this, there is a huge head of Juno (or Caludius' mother Antonia, or Livia, scholars argue))  and it was here that something struck me.  

Looking at this magnificent powerful large woman…I felt renewed, reborn.  I was no longer an aging woman who is drying up, I was Woman.  I was part of a much larger context, one that was worshiped to, prayed to, cared for, respected, admired and for a long long time.  

It's hard to go into it more than that, I wish I had more time to explain the sublities  I wish to express.  For now this will have to do.

I looked around Altemps for another 30 minutes, but I was actually feeling faint.  It was a lot to take in.   I started looking for the exit and finally a nice man pointed out the way.

I needed to get out and get some water and rest.  I did.

I will need to to go back because there are things I didn't see.  I also want to go back and sit.  Just sit.  Like returning to the hill temple, I feel pulled to spend time in this energy.

I wandered back over to the pantheon.  It was a ZOO, oh my gods.   I am so lucky I had my time there this morning.  I sat to the side, on the base of one of the columns and hung out for about an hour.  I took my shoes off and felt the marble.  I called my mom and we had a really talk, about the goddess, about Italy.  It seemed perfect talking to her today, connecting to my mother in the midst of all this mother goddess stuff going on.

I got back to my hotel around 5.  I thought I would fall asleep, I rolled over and gave myself permission, but I started to feel revved up a bit.  I took a walk on via Corso, another ZOO. The spanish steps, PACKED.  I walked up to Popolo area and sat on the edge of the fountain.  It didn't feel 'centering' there so I headed back to Spagna to find some food to buy.

I finally found a little cheese/meat deli.  I bought greek feta and some green olives.  It took me a bit to get my bearings to find the hotel, but I did.

I am really starting to see how important and mythical this journey has been for me.  It's not about a month to myself….it's about stepping along this invisible path. (sacred way?)  I never seem to know what is next, but I step anyway and then, I see why.   If I had not experienced this again and again, I would NOT believe it.  It sounds to phony, corny, like a bad film.

Staying open, letting the moment lead me, rather than staying in my logical head space, had made all this possible.  Each thing that comes up, I welcome in, even when it hurts (like last night) even when it scares me (most of this trip).

A man over heard me talking to my mother on the phone.  He asked me for the name of the museum so he could visit. He wrote it down.  He was from Pakistan and was leaving tomorrow as he was here on business.  He was interested in the goddesses too.  I am glad that he was going.  My being in Italy made a difference in his life today.  I liked that connective feeling.

We don't do anything alone, because what we go through, changes us and then when people interact with us, they are touched by it too.

I don't need to talk about a lot of this stuff when I get home because there is nothing to talk to about, on some level.  What has happened to me, is.   Anyone I am in contact with, will be touched by this trip too.

I am tired now.  Having trouble standing up today.  Physically I am falling apart.  Soulfully, I am filling up.  Ah balance.   Tomorrow to the Galleria Borghese and then BACK to Altemps!

I need to consult with Juno, Athena, Aphrodite, and the rest of my new found friends and relatives.   This is getting really FUN. 

dark night journey in roma

(I typed this and never reread.

I am going through it quickly now to fix big errors.

I am reading it like an editor, because what happened last night was raw and deep. I want to just let it be for now. But I think it is an important occurrence.  Ididn't see this coming at all.  read with kind eyes.)

It's about 1:30am.  I can't sleep.  I all of sudden starting feeling upset.  I just let it come.

Feeling that maybe this trip is a last hurrah for me.  WIll the illnesses get worse?  I really haven't been feeling that well.

Mybody has been acting out all over.  Symptoms coming back.  I just don't want to admit it to myself.

I sometimes wish things would either get much better or much worse, just to be done with it.

To know that I have a limited time, seems like a relief at this point.  I don't want to slowly deteriorate.

Also, that thing that happened today when i was walking toward the (unknown) vatican:

 Hearing my son call out to me, and then getting upset when i realized i couldn't help him as i am so far away.

While i have been gone, by sons have taken care of things. they haven't needed me  for much.

Am I dyng, in some way?

you know being a mother these past 17 years has been a big anchor in my life.   when this anchor gone, what happens?

i was more worried about them with out me, but it's me without them…

it's time for them to go on… it's time for them to make a life for themselves that is not longer dependent on me.

i have alway felt they were mine, right or wrong, i have.

it is like dying to let them go.  i didn't realize that that is what i have done by leaving them to go to Italy.

i've given the them a the chance to see how grown up they are…how much they don't need me anymore.

hearing my son call me today, realizing for the first time how far apart we were.

what we sacrifice for our children,they never know,  just like i don't know what my mother sacrificed for me.

I gave everything i had, i homeshholed them, i didn't use babysitter, i didn't have anyone around to help.

What do i do now?

i didn't realize what a gift i gave them by leaving.  a great gift.

an appetite to travel.  an example of taking care of yourself.

they have done great.

why does it hurt so?  the grief  the deep deep weight, the ache so strong, it 's silent and doesn't move.  the crying when you are silent but every cell in your body cries out for something.

i have been thinkling about being on my own.  when the boys go camping with their father, i like the house empty.

i don't have the energy i used to have.  their life is just taking off.  hand gliders just starting to run.

i've had my glide. I'm landing.

what greater thing is there in the world than to carry a life, have it move through you, nurse them, watch them grow, learn about their humor, their talents, 

you never know what you're getting.

i remember both times when i was pregnant telling billy if something should  happen to me, make sure the baby was ok.

it was such a strong sense. your life is over in some way, when you have carried life.  that life is the new life.

it some ways it seems like yesterday, holding them, holding their hands, pushing the shopping cart fast in the parking lot, shouting to them  "hold on doggies!'

they're gone. those boys are gone. i am dealing with young men.  i can still see the little boys in them, perhaps i always will.

how to let go?  i came to italy for a month.

i left my children.  they flourished.  

the 3 of us now know, they don't NEED me.  i know they love me, i know i am still a help to them, but they are on they own in some way.

a cord has been cut.  this time, i got to do it.

the future life looks like a huge big cave  and I am afraid to go in.  i can't imagine what it looks like.  i can't imagine going in.

p.s.

I don't have to be perfect.
I don't have to do it right.
I don't have to earn it.
I don't have to beg.
I don't have to be better than anyone else.
I don't have to be pretty.
I don't have to be nice.
I don't have to know the answer.
I don't have to know the question.
I don't have to judge.
I sure as shit don't have to figure it all out.

I have been wrong about a lot of things...including who and what I am.

I just need to be open to the possibilities-

I want to BE.
Just be.
be.
.

the longest day...

(*my hotel charges  a fee for wifi access by the hour!  please excuse the many typos from typing fast.)


I feel asleep around 2:30am and was up at 7.

I had energy, so I was out the door by 7:30, heading to the Forum.

(I so badly want to say, "Funny thing...")

On the way there I saw this incredible building, Plazza Venezia.  I was stunned.  It is so big!

I felt small and that felt good.  

I got to the Forum a few minutes before it opened.  There was only about 15 of us for maybe the first hour?  It was great.  I listened to the audio thing.  They are doing a lot of work there, so a few times the path ended with a chain, but it was fine with me.  Plenty to see.

I liked the Vestal's area and the columns to Jupiter.  Oh is was all grand.  I have had no interest in seeing art, I love the buildings.

My plans for today were to go to the coliseum and the forum, that was all.  

This is what I saw today, following the muses:

Palatine, Vesta Temple, Arch of COnstatine, Greco stone thing, Trastevere (cute bookstore there) Castle of S. Angelo, the vatican, palazzo di Guistizia.

I walked for 11 hours.  Okay I stopped for 10 minutes to eat a salad and sat a few minutes here and there, but it was a long day.

It kept expanding eveytime I thought I'd head back to the hotel.

It is a great city. I can see how someone coming into Rome would believe that Romans were desendants from the gods.  Amazing.

I felt good in the morning. By midday I found myself being hard on myself again.  I caught a reflection of myself in a store window and my esteem came crashing down.

I really don't know what I look like, I see that as I write this.  I am surprised again and again with what I look like...and when did I get so old?  

I wonder if I ever knew what I looked like?   There is this split somewhere about how I think I look and how I really look.  There is another split between how I feel about myself and how I look.  Maybe everyone feels that way, I don't know.

I saw a lot ofpeople today.  Most of them, I don't notice much.  Just regular looking people.  There are a lot couples, many who I wouldn't consider good looking at all.

When did I learn that only good looking people find love?  Too many movies or is this the message I have always gotten?

What is this hard wired beleif that if I am beautiful, someone will love me?

Perhaps I have it backwarbs, when you love someone, they are beautiful.

I saw some people dressed very elegantly and all of sudden felt like I was wearing a burlap bag.  I know quality when I see it.  I enjoy it.  I am not sure I could pull it off, but I'd like to try someday.

Is it the clothes or the people wearing them?  SOme people are just good at wearing clothes.  I am not sure where I am on the list.

I noticed I was talking out loud to mysekf today.  Most ofthe time in response to how astonished I am about what I am looking at.  A few times I had to tell myself to calm down, becasue this overwhelming urge to despise myself came up again and again in the late morning. After half an hour, it was gone.

This conflict of how I think I look and then how I look, is getting more and more noticable to me.

I am definelty more happy when I am not thinking about myself.

I did a lot today.  I wasn't lonely.  I enjoyed being free to go where whims took me.  I found a very pretty scarf for 6 euro in a small shop in Traverste.   I had a nice conversation wiht the scottish woman at the bookstore in that area too.  She said something that stuck with me, how puritan america is.  yes, puritan, that word perfectly expresses what I was saying the other day.  There is less uptightness  (is that even a word?)  here.   The women here appear stronger here, no that isn't right, they seem more assured of themselves.  It is a viseral thing, I have never felt that before.

I noticed a lot of goddess, female statues today.  I wonder what effect that has onthe psyche (another goddess, by the way) to have women from antiquity around here?

Not just the mother of god, but women (who have sex) before christianity began.  It has got to make a difference.

I have been taking photos of myself on this trip, that is a new thing for me.  Normally I would not want to see myself.  Gee, that's probably not a normal thing is it?  Hmm..

Anyway, while I was in S. Peter's  (I didn't know I was at the vatican for 15 mnutes, I thought it was another roman thing, well it is)  a nice young woman saw me taking a photo of myself and offered to take one of me.  Then she asked if I wanted another one taken in front of the vatican.  I said yes.  I aksed her if she wanted me to take a photo of her, she said no, she had freinds with her. (those last few words she said, they hung in the air for me "i have freinds with me")

earlier, as I was walking towards the (unknown) vatican, i heard someone say "ma"  it sounded just like my oldest son.  It was odd.

About 10 minutes later, I get to thinking that maybe something happened to him (you read abou this kind of stuff happening and my mom and i have this connection, thinking of each other and calling at the same time)

anyway, I call home.  He answers the phone. (good sign)  I tell him what happened and then cry. (what is with all this crying this month?!)  i had this wave of emotion, of love for him.  

strange.

I tell my son i am standing on the heart line in the vatican, like from the 'davinci code' movie.  he looks up the area on goole maps, he is looking at it while I am standing there.  We were enjoying it 'together'.

I did notice other people alone today, not many, but a few here and there.

I saw some beggers today, physically disabled. I give them a euro ot 2 euro coin.  Whenever I pass someone hurting/disabled, I say 'blessings' .

I started with this 'blessings' thing during the winter when I was at Dartmouth hospital. I woudl see people going through a tough time adn I would jsut say 'blessings' under my breath as I passed them.

Why not, maybe it helps.

  I have not found a cafe to hang out in yet.  They all seem too fancy to me.  Maybe I'll find one tomorrow.  I am heading over to the Pantheon and campo di fiori.  also the Museo Altemps.

  

Thurs I have the gallery borghese tickets that I bought last month.

The time is flying by here.   It is very different than Umbertide.

I am not sure what I want to do with my time here.

I am taking it as it comes.  having no big plans.  I would like to relax and read a bit.  I think thursday after the gallery, i will hang out around that area, looks like it would be a good place to relx.   I hope so.

I don't want my time here to just be about walking and taking photos and gazing upwards.

I want some time to let things soak in too.

'Heritage Days' this weekend, so the city should be PACKED.  Yikes, that doens't sound like a lot of fun.  Hey, you never know.

Physically, I am feeling a 5 on a 1-10 scale.

I am concerned about it and at the same time, just letting it be what it is.

As I sit here at almost 9pm, after a full day, I feel disconnected.  From what..I don't know.

I have been so emotional lately.  Sad, thrilled, bursting with awe, looking at the bathroom mirror wondering who is looking back at me.

I walked around today (for the most part) confident and sure of myself.  When I finally got back to the hotel and put onthe TV, I saw the stupid stuff that always makes me want to cringe: wrestling, pretty people reporting horrible news with a plastic smile, silly talk shows, soap operas, I feel like I don't belong to that society of people.  Do people really take that stuff seriously?

I get that feeling of not fitting in again.  Is life about just keeping ourselves busy enough, occupied enough to miss what life is about?

Maybe whatever we do, that is what life is about?

So my life is about always trying to get better?  To figure it out, as though there were a secret to uncover?

Have I made life difficult?  Have I made life something that you only get to enjoy if you try real hard?

Being alone for 25 days now, I can see where parts of me are dotted lines.  I am not sure I am filling them in, but I see them and that is new.

Breath.  There is no way to fail here.  I need to remind myself, it's okay...it's okay.

Whatever is, it is okay.

I don't have to figure it out.

I am tired, my body aches, I am in a magical city, there is nothing to achieve.  

I am enough.   And I need to remember, things always look better after a good night's sleep.

 

Post-nap Roma

I woke up from my 4 hour nap in a much better place.

I washed up, grabbed the map and went walking.

I visited the Piazza de Popolo.  That's when I realized I was in Roma, the Roma that I was thinking about with old buildings.

I took some photos and continued to walk.  I had trouble finding the Augustus Mosoleum because it is under contraction, I could even get close to it.

I tried to find a way to give myself a point of reference, so I walked along the Tiber.

It was getting dark out and the sky was starting to turn a beautiful pink/purple color.

It took my a while to find Piazza Navona, but it was worth it.  It was very crowded, I had been walking for almost 3 hours and I was really hungry.

I wasn't looking for a restaurant, (too expensive) but not eating flour/gluten makes it hard in Italia.

I found a small corner shop, I asked the nice man for gluten free, he showed me that had potatoes, string beans, (old-looking)pork, spinach.  I asked for the potatoes and string beans.  I grabbed a bottle of water.  They put some oil on the food and a little salt.

It was only 5 euro. I stood outside and leaned on a stool. It was delicious.  

I stood in awe of the fountain in the Piazza Navona. I am sorry I can't remember the name right now.

I was feeling more like me and realizing how wonderful Roma really is.

The roads here are not like Manhattan, which being on a grid, makes it easy. 

I had to ask a few times hoe to get back to Via Corso, as my street Via dell Vite, is off of that one.

I was getting closer when I saw a gigantic column, it took my breath away.  It was hard to take a photo, but I tried.

At last I found my via, and then heard loud rock music.  As I have been doing on the month in Italy, I followed my curiosity.  A half block away is a 5 member band playing rock, LOUD.

I spent the next 2 hours listening (with some mild dancing) with lots of other people.  They played a lot of Queen and referred to Freddie Mercury a lot, but they were very entertaining.  When they had said good night, I started to walk way, and they broke out playing "We are the Champion"  oh that was FUN, we all sang along, we all sang part of it when he put the microphone up in the air for us to sing.  

It was a great first night in Roma.

I guess my earlier entry wasn't very good, but I forget what lack of sleep can do to me.

I feel much better now, I have a sense of direction.  I want to go to the coliseum tomorrow morning.

I have decided not to run tomorrow. I need to be more careful with myself.  I love the running, but my feet aren't in great shape and I have a lot of walking to do while I am here.

I fee sad about that, but I also know that when I fight with was is TRUE, I make it worse.

It is n't the worst thing in the world.  There are plenty of people with illness that are worse.

I am trying to find how to have a healthy relationship with illness.  I am not there yet, but I know it has something to do with love and patience.

I figured out how to put the air-conditioning on in here, so I don't have to keep the windows wide open.  I feel much better being cooler.

Heat and humidity are not my friends and they also tend to flare up circulation problems.

Another good thing, the mattress is very comfortable here at the hotel.  

Ihave not watched TV in 3 weeks (at home all I have is PBS) and I am watching "Larry Crowne" with Tom Hanks and Julia Roberts dubbed badly in Italian.

COme on now, Julia Roberts is supposed to be an heavy drinking depressed woman in this?  Her hair and make up is perfect and and she dressed as though she shops in Roma rather than JC Penny.  GIve me a break, why do they always have to make women in film perfect looking.

Anyway, I am glad that I am here.  It is very different than Umbertide and I am back in the 'real' world it seems.   

Walking around this city on my own, I find that I am moving more freely, not as inhibited.  I like that women dress in many different styles here.  I started in Umbertide, wearing a scarf (I tie it in the back, so it falls down my back)  that is my way.

I didn't want to compete with anyone, just trying to find what I am comfortable with.

I usually don't wear make up as I wear glasses, but I thinking maybe I would like to wear some eye liner.  That sounds so funny to write out, but it is much than just make up, it is ME taking chances with me, shaking things up a bit.

It has to do with those little inner rooms Ihat I've opened.  There is a sense of 'not knowing' and wanting to experiment.  I have 6 years of a college education (M.A.) and I've raised my children for 18 years, but there are private things, things about being a woman, about being the kind of woman I NATURALLY am, that  I don't know.

There is much more to me than I ever thought and I can't explain what it is, because I don't know.  It's as though I feel the pressure of something erupting, but I haven't seem what is coming out of the ground yet.  I am not scared of it or worried, because I now it is natural and it is me.

I am not rushing it or pushing, I am taking it as it comes.  I have no idea what I will wear tomorrow or how I will wear it.  I am less worried about what people think of me, what I think of me.

I have a lot inside me…

 dreams, energy, laughter, dance, and sensuality, I don't know why I use that word, but it fits.  There is a deeper sense to all the senses.  I am less concerned about it, less ashamed of having it, less worried that it is wrong.  

This is who I am, when I drop all the "shoulds"  "shouldn'ts" "wrongs" "rights".  When I  let myself go beyond where I let myself go before.  

I am not a prisoner of little rooms anymore.  I am out in the real world.  In Roma.  it seems like a good place to begin.

Wish me well.

Pre-nap Roma

I am in Roma.  

I didn't sleep much last night, less than 2 hours.  I was up at 4am.  I left the house at 5:20. 

Two minutes later, I realize that the small suitcase I bought for 16 euro is crappola.  It doesn't roll well and keeps tipping.  

The zipper jammed already that morning, even though is wasn't over full.

I push down the handle and carry it.  Ugh!

As I am leaving, I look up and see a bright star.(planet Venus I think?).

I got to the train station and thankfully the bar was open.  I ordered an espresso, the woman wasn't very nice at all.  I tried to say how happy I was that they were open so I could have caffe before the bus.  She really wasn't interested.  I drank and left.

The bus area is 30 seconds away.  I sit in the dark.

One bus comes, nope, he's not for Roma.  Finally at 5:58, it arrives and there are 3 other people waiting with me.

The drive in the dark was in contrast to my drive there in the afternoon.  I realize that I got to Umbertide at twilight, at dusk and I am leaving before dawn.  When I got there the moon was full and starting to empty.  As I leave the moon is half full and growing.  I came in the summer, I am leaving (leafing) in the autumn.

I was just getting comfortable when the bus turns into a gas station.  I think he needs gas.  "Change bus" he calls back to me, the only person who didn't get up out of their seat.

Standing in front of a gas station for 15 minutes.  I tell myself, I am on my way to Roma.  I am not feeling well, but don't want to bring too much of my attention to it.  The pain in my feet woke me up 3 times during my short sleep.  I wonder why the pains have come back, is my immune system too active again?

I am not feeling well on the new bus, it is almost full and I am on the aisle.  It is very warm in there and I can't get comfortable.  I try to see if I can rest, but it I am doomed to watching other people sleep.

We hit traffic around 8:30 so I know we much be near the big city.   Pulling into the train station, I am so grateful I'll be n fresh air soon.

I go over to the taxi area and all goes well, I am at the hotel.  I check in, I get into my room.  It is small, but I knew it would be.  I drop everything, wash up and head out.  I am in ROMA.

I start walking, I don't know where I am going.  I end up at the spanish steps, about 3 blocks from the hotel.  There are lots of people here.

"I'm not in Kansas anymore"

It feels very much like Manhattan and that bums me out.  (I guess that's why Woody ALlen likes it here)

I go into a cafe and order a plate of fruit and cheese.  I eat.  12 euros!?  I am not in Umbertide anymore either.

I walk around, LOTS of touristy places.  Somehow after walking around for 90 minutes, I find the Trevi Fountain.  It is a ZOO.

I take a half-hearted photo of myself and leave.

It is hot and I am sweaty.  I ask how to get back to Piazza Spagna, since I know my hotel is around there.

I feel tired and sad…and out of my element.  This area is an expensive shopping district, NOT my cup of cappuccino.

I tell myself I had a big day and a nap will help.

I am sitting in this room, by the window. I am on the first floor (2nd floor in america) and there is no privacy as 60 feet across the street are 16 windows that can see rich into my room.

It is so different than Umbertide.  I guess I didn't prepare myself for a Manhattan-style experience. 

I was thinking about the forum, the pantheon, old ancient stuff.

I am in a NY state of mind.  I can feel the shift.  Walk fast, no eye contact, I am eluding attitude through every pore.

Oh and if I want wifi at this hotel, it's 5 euro for an hour and then 2 euro every hour after.

I'm pissed.  I'm tired, I'm annoyed.    

I want to cry.  I left the security of Umbertide for the craziness of Roma.   I suppose sooner or later it had to end.  It did.

I think it will easier to go home from here, as this already feels like the U.S.

The one thing that did take my breath away today were the men.  I have never been someone to comment on men, not even kidding around with friends.  But oh my, I have seen a handful of men who are absolutely gorgeous and I mean that in the best way.  I could look at them like I look at a beautiful sculpture, except they are walking and are in color.

It seems anything goes here too,  the styles of dress are all over the place.

I am all of sudden doubting everything.    What am I doing here?  Why am I feeling so misplaced?  I should of stayed for another week in Umbertide, saved a lot of money, and just left it at that.

I know, I sound miserable.  I just don't know what to do with myself.  I can't sit in there with the windows shut and sleep.  I guess I can leave them open, but it is noisy as all hell.  

Remember that movie 'Big' with Tom Hanks?  The first night he has to sleep in NYC on his own, he looks like he is 30 but he is really just a kid?  That is how I feel.  I am here, it is noisy, it is expensive, and I feel scared, I guess that is it, I didn't realize I was really scared.

I have a quick coverup mode and I didn't catch how fearful I am.

Scared of what?  I don't think anyone will hurt me.  I think I made a mistake coming?  I am upset with myself. I am angry with myself.

I think a lot has to do with being sick, with having symptoms that I haven't had in about 3 months.  Oh and (how did I forget this?) I had a lot of paining my liver this morning on the bus.  I know my liver profile was high in July.  I am due to a repeat blood test this month.

I'm upset because it is getting harder and harder to ignore the pain.  Pain is the great equalizer, isn't that what they say?  You can the world on a plate, but if you are in  physical pain, it's hard to get past it.

How do I not let illness run my life?  I hate thinking about it. I detest having to write about it.  I don't want it here.  I want it to stay home in VT where it belongs.

I really hate that I am sick. I have been trying to run away from it for a while now.  (here come the tears of frustration)   How do live?  How do I have a healthy relationship with my body when my immune system is attacking me?

I feel sick to my stomach that this is part of my blog.

There is a nice breeze coming through the window.   

Have I lost all that wonderful stuff from the last 3 weeks?  Was it real?   It was.

I need some time to adjust.  I'll find a cafe somewhere, a touch stone.

I am going to be okay.  I am not an asshole, I am not stupid, I am not an idiot.  

I'm just a girl (I do feel young inside) trying new things.   Why be hard on myself?  

It's okay to feel unsure, it is okay to feel scared.

I am here.  I took the bus, I took the cab, I checked in, I found the steps,  the fountain and my way back to my hotel.

Rest now, just let it all go and relax.  It's okay.  Shhhhh…..