Ciao to 2012

The end of another year.

 I will remember 2012 as the year I went to Italy, what an experience, it feels like a dream.

It was also the year that I came to better terms with my illness.  The year I let go of core friendships.  The year I followed my heart.  The year I walked through fear doors.  The year I started running.

It was a learning year.  It was an exciting year.

 I have no regrets.

I remember telling myself last year that by THIS New Year's Eve, I would have great plans.

Alas, I don't.

I do have a kitchen full of munchies and some good films on DVD.  My children are going to First Night up north and will be home around 1am.  They are skiing today.

When did my life move to stage left?  I feel as though I am standing on the wings watching my children and others act out their lives on center stage.

I feel out-of-date.

 I am a cassette player in a iphone world.

What I am, what I treasure, isn't hip, not that I was ever hip/cool.  I don't think of myself as someone who tried to keep up with fashion or trends.  But if I was, gee, this would be much harder.

I have no interest in the new things.  I email, I am on FB so it is not as though I am living off the grid in deep woods.  But I notice things passing me by.  I notice not wanting to speed up.  I don't want to run with the bulls. (meaning keeping up with the generation of today, I actually would go to Spain to run with those bulls!)

I still dream of dressing up, wearing a gown and spending the evening in a fancy hotel, dancing all night long.  This is on my list of things to do before I die, or to do before I can't walk anymore.  The Italy trip came true, so how hard can a night out be?

I would also love to have a group of good friends to spend the evening with, kidding around, laughing, relaxing and being ourselves.

If I had my choice I would choose the latter.  I prayed aloud last night for friends, healthy friends...true friends.  This would be the greatest gift of all.

Am I good friend?

Yes, I am a good friend.  A friend to myself too, and that isn't as easy as it sounds.  I hope that is where it begins, right here with me.

I am sitting in a local cafe.  I am hear people talking about their plans for tonight.  I am envious.  I could make plans.  I could go along with my kids, boring.  I could call friends and invite myself over, but I don't want that life anymore.  I am moving on, sad, true and necessary.

Ending friendships is similar to divorce, you talk yourself out of the truth for a very long time.  If your lucky the day comes when you see that it doesn't work and there is nothing you can do to fix it.  You finally accept that who you are does not fit in.  You realize that you have been working so hard to fit in that you have lost yourself, you feel depleted because your giving giving giving, petrified you'll end up alone.

I am strong enough to end things, strong enough to walk away and handle the sorrows that sweep me off my feet.  I am taking care of myself by not making myself fit in.  I don't hate anyone.  I am not angry at anyone.  I love my friends.  I continue to wish them happiness.  I also wish myself happiness, well no, I wish myself peace.

I feel peace.  I am at peace.

 I am a good friend...a very dear friend.  

May 2013 be another year of firsts, filled with compassion for all.  Peace be upon us all.

sorrow

“grief is a house
where the chairs
have forgotten how to hold us
the mirrors how to reflect us
the walls how to contain us

grief is a house that disappears
each time someone knocks at the door
or rings the bell
a house that blows into the air
at the slightest gust
that buries itself deep in the ground
while everyone is sleeping

grief is a house where no on can protect you
where the younger sister
will grow older than the older one
where the doors
no longer let you in
or out” 
― Jandy Nelson, The Sky Is Everywhere


That last stanza hit me right in the gut.  I outlived my oldest sister.  She was 9 yrs older than me.  We were always best friends. She died in 2001 of cancer, a month before 9/11.  She was 45.  I am 47.

I have been in a place of deep sadness for 4 days now.  It has been difficult.  It's as though I have been untethered and thrown into a storm at sea.  The waves crashing around me. I can't see.  I have no balance, the waves rock the ground. There is no balance. There is no safe place to stand.  Sit. Scream.  There is nothing I can do but ride it out, no matter how sea sick I become.  The storm is beyond my control.

I have some idea of what this is about...grief, rage, fear.  The uncertainty of my illness, the physical pains, the friendships that are over, the children growing up, where do I look? What do I do? What's this all about?

I was reading about buddhism and suicide earlier today, just wondering what their take on it is, and they quoted a study that showed when people feel unconnected, when they feel cut off and alone, that can often cause intense suffering.  I am NOT suicidal, (truly) but I was wondering where that feeling of wanting to be done with life, was all about.

I am always seeking knowledge, always trying to figure things out.  It's my nature.

I do feel like a misfit.  I find myself very often not understanding other people, what they do, how they behave, what they say.  My life has been one of exploration, LOTS of it.  Therapy, reading, writing, I am driven to find all that is not me, and let it go.  I have had a long journey, there was a lot of work to do, a lot.  I've been willing.  I've shown up.  I've done (and continue) things that scare me.  I listen. I speak. I apologize. I stand firm.  I remain open.

I know I am not an average person (Are any of us? I don't know).  In the Meyers/Briggs test, I am an INFJ which is not common.  My ways of interacting with the world, how I take in information, etc.  I am on the edge.  I am hyper sensitive, picking up people's emotions far too easily.  I am extremely empathetic, so I have to be very careful. (I don't watch news, etc.)  I have a tough time filtering out other people's pain and frustrations.  On the good side, I also feel people's hope and love, so it's not a complete drag.

I don't know what triggered this, well, yes I do.  I finally saw why I needed to end a friendship and I finally saw that the mother I was, is now longer needed for my children.  This double loss has brought up past grief too: my sisters and my dear friend Marjorie who died 6 months ago.

I am tired of loss.  I am tired of people dying.  I am tired of walking away from unhealthy relationships.
I am tired of finding out there is something else to do.  Another fear door to walk through.

I made a list of all the friendships I have ended in the past 10 years. 19...yup, 19.  The sad/good news?  I have no regrets about any of them.  So I know that this is the right thing to do.  Some people have friends since 4th grade.  I meet people for a time and then it's over.  It seems to be beneficial to both and then I find it a 'wasteland" to use Joseph Campbell's terminology.

Doing the right thing is not the easiest thing.  I wonder why I couldn't be different?  Why do I have to be different?  Why do I have to think so much?  Why do I have such high standards?  Why do I assume every one wants to get better?  Why do I assume people want to know the truth?  Why don't I shut up and pretend?  Why do I want honesty, at all costs?

Oh how I wish there was a flying lion who could pick me up and deliver me to the land of misfit toys so I could meet other people like me.  I could help them by not judging their square train wheels and they could accept me for being me...for asking questions and opening my heart, talking about things.

But there is no flying lion king to save me. I am me and people are people.
But it's cold, oh so cold sometimes.

gifts

I received some unexpected gifts yesterday.  They can't be wrapped, bought or ordered from Amazon.
A credit card will do you no good.  These types of gifts cannot be returned either, and not just because there is no receipt, it is because you can't not know what you know.  The old adage, 'Be careful what you wish for' applies here.

So what was the gift?
Truth.
a.k.a. clarity, realization, insight, wisdom, knowledge, a click or recognition.

All in all, a nice package but it came upon me unexpectedly.  I was sitting at a friend's house, our families were playing music in the other room, and over tea at the dining room table, click.  All those oddly-shaped pieces of the puzzle slipped into place in my mind's eye.  As clear as day, there is was.
I continued to sit there, sipping tea, acting as though nothing had happened.

I willed my attention to tune into what she was saying to me.  I leaned forward to further engage myself with what was going on.  My struggle to remain there got harder and harder as the evening wore on.

Within 2 hours, I needed to go home.  I was exhausted.  There were things, deep things, settling in and I was just a witness.

By 9pm I was on my loveseat, in my jammies, wondering what happened.  I couldn't focus.  I tried to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" but it ended up being more of a background thing.  I finally got up and went to bed.

This morning, like elves and the shoemaker, everything was in order.  Did I like it? No, not really, but I appreciated it.  I have been working/reaching toward truth for a very long time.  I am thankful and grateful for the gifts.

 I am not sure what I need to do now.  Not much, is the answer.

Just knowing the truth changes everything.  The rudder has shifted left, my course changed.  I don't have to grab the steering wheel.  I need to let things take their course.  I need to allow the ocean currents to be and let my ship move in the direction it needs to go.

I don't have to view this as leaving friends or another loss.  I don't have to wonder why I feel so different than other people and be upset about my life path.

These gifts are GIFTS.  A gift of who I am and what I need, where I need to go, what I need to do.  I don't have to focus on loss, change, or the people I need to see less, I can look forward into the unknown, knowing my course is set.

Traveling into the unknown, like I did for a month in Italy, is my path.
The more I think about it, the more exciting it becomes.

Is there loss? Sure.
Am I scared?  Yup.

Is this what I really wanted?  Yes, yes it is.

The best gifts are indeed free.  

First Snow

I woke up to a white world this morning.  Outside my bay window,  a rainbow hot air balloon wind sock was spinning round and round.  I felt as though I were in Oz.

I have walked through some deep fears in the past 2 weeks.

I feel relaxed and alive these days.  It is in taking these risks, these leaps of faith, that gives me a sense of life.

I sometimes feel that I have uncovered some magical sphere, this wondrous place where there is peace and a child-like innocence.

For someone who likes to use words, I find myself unable to express this 'new life' experience.

There are times when thoughts rage through my mind:
"Who are you to be happy?"
"How dare you!"

I listen to these with amazement.  Who is talking?  Where is this coming from?

I have been working on myself for a very long time.  I have been dedicated to untying the many knots that I've been grappling with, the knots that keep me a prisoner to the past, to suffering.

Who am I to dare freedom?
I've been working toward freedom since I was 16.

In the beginning I thought freedom meant death.  I believed that the only way out, was to kill myself.  I was convinced that I was 'broken' and that everyone else was fine.  I saw myself as a negative burden on the people I loved.  I thought love meant not being, releasing them from me.

For 30 years I have crept along, therapy, reading, college, body movement therapy, knowing on some unexplainable level that there was a place for me to go. I have chased after so many things, always hoping to find happiness. It is only in the past 2 years that I have turned around and starting from my own center.

I was confused for most of my life:
I thought life meant finding someone to love me (rather than finding some I loved).
I thought life meant willing myself to be someone who others would like (rather than being myself).
I thought life meant fulfilling other people's dreams (rather than following my own).
I thought life meant denying who I was (rather than embracing who I am).

I believe that the peace I am experiencing now is well deserved.  I will not deny myself these joys.

It's been a very long journey.  It is more than okay for me to enjoy being home, finally, home.

 

fear

I felt it this morning, creeping slowly at first and then instantaneously, I was fear.

I remember this feeling in Italy, how some mornings it haunted me as I tried to plan my day.

"How are you going to figure out where to go on the train?"

"No one is going to understand you, what are you going to do?'

"Nobody likes you here, who are you going to turn to?'

These are the voices of fear I had in Italy and they are here again in Vermont,

About an hour ago I was leaving the bank and walking down Main Street and the fear pounded down.

"What are you doing?"

"You're going to lose everything."

"You should stop making any changes, stop moving forward, freeze."

"None of this is going to work out and you'll be left alone."

I continued to walk.  I continued doing my errands.

I did all the things that fear didn't want me to today:
-I got dressed and drove into town.
-I got the home equity agreement between me and my ex-spouse notarized.
-I put a down payment on a used car.

I am petrified. On some level, I have no idea what is going on.

On a deeper level, I know am doing what I need to do.

It was my month in Italy that allowed me to start trusting that deeper sense of truth.
It takes courage to follow it, as there is never a clear outcome.  It is the leap of faith without seeing a net.  It's a hard thing to do.  It doesn't get any easier.  But having done it so often in Italy and a few times since I have been home, I have experience that it works.

It's kind of like running.  You begin and never know how its going to go.  Sometimes your mind is racing like crazy and the run feels as though it's all uphill and your running in sand.  Other days, there is very little effort and life seems so beautiful and free.  (Some runs are a little bit of both.)

I am not going to argue with myself today, nor am I going to begin an inner war against myself.

I sense the fear.  I feel it.  I acknowledge it.  I am not disrespectful.

I see this fear:  I don't hate her.  She is a young child, shivering in the cold, unsure of where to go and who to trust.  She doesn't know what else to do but freeze up and not move.  She doesn't want to get caught off-guard.  She wants security. She wants a big grown up to reassure her everything is going to be okay.  She wants someone to protect her from the big confusing world.  She is in over her head.

I sympathize with her.  I am no longer a child, but I too wish for someone to put their arms around me, cuddle close and tell me "I love you and I won't let anything happen to you."

But all we have is each other.  So listen up fear, come closer little girl...
"I love you and I won't let anything happen to you.

It's going to be okay...we ARE okay, right now, as is.
Safe and sound.  Remember, we have each other."

There be dragons here.

On old maps, in areas where they didn't know what was there, this line was used.
I first heard this term from my father a long time ago.

This is where I have been living for the past 3 days.

And indeed there are dragons, but I am not being pursued by them.  I find I am a dragon...
a big, clumsy dragon who is making a mess of it. I don't know my strength or power or how to wield myself.   I don't know what I am doing.

I am being myself and that has manifested into three surprisingly honest emails to three friends.

One of my friends has replied and we bumped into each other today at the local cafe.  All is well there.

I have reread an email I sent this afternoon to another friend and I CRINGE that I sent it.  It was raw, it was sacccinct, it comes across a big aggressive, even though I never saw it as such when I sent it.

It is not aggressive in a threatening way, it was more that I was sharing how I feel about something and the words are too strong, it's too sharp edged.  I regret that I didn't wait to send it. It needed some polishing.

The problem with writing rather than talking, is that the inflection is gone, the soft tones, the tears.

I sent it because I was afraid, I sent it because it took all the courage I had to say those things.

In a way, I was saying good bye to him.  But rather than say it directly, I sort of beat my chest about being true to myself.  Arggg...

It is done.  I could email again and say I hope he understands, but I don't want to bother him anymore.
I want to bow out and let it be.

I said the truth. I am almost 100% sure he didn't want to hear it.  But it was me saying what I've been bottling up for over a year because he made it clear he didn't want to hear it either.

I didn't want to see him again and ACT like it was okay.

Why was I staying silent?  Because I didn't want to lose his friendship.  What the hell kind of friendship   is that anyway?!

So I spoke up.

I said my truth.

I move on.

This is all part of what happened on my trip to Italy.  I changed.  Things shifted internally.  My spirit was set free again.

Since I have been back, I was first pushed to purge and organize all of my external things.

Now it seems I am being pushed to purge and organize many internal things.  This is much harder.

A part of me is watching in shock (horror?) that I dare to do it.  "Who are YOU to speak up??!!" it says.

"I am me" is the calm reply.

And so I am.

And so I go.

There indeed, be dragons here.

Moving along...

into sadness.   I have been sad since yesterday.  Something came up in an email from a friend that triggered something in me, I was very taken back with my reaction.

Once again I was faced with the truth and did not want to see it.

Why?

Because if I acknowledge the truth, I'll have to do something about it or at the very least, it will make things uncomfortable for me.

This theme of seeing clearly and not wanting to see what IS, goes back a LONG way.

While journaling the other day I realized that a lot of what I think about my friends (the VERY few I have left) is similar to members of my family.

I want someone to stop drinking, I want someone to love me, I want someone to stop being a door mat for their family, I want someone to break free from the marriage and stand up for themselves.

These are what I wanted from my sister, my father, my mother and my brother.  Perfect.

So my life has been an attempt to fix my past.  I believed that I COULD fix others, if I was very good, or smart, or caring or whatever.  I wanted to save the people I love, but they didn't want to be saved.

I also wrote that I am sad that none of my friends or family want what I want.  And I really want someone I love to want what I want!!  It's as though who I am and what matters to me isn't good enough until I can find someone to join in with me.  This is childish...and human.

I was reading a book about witches that a friend suggested, it isn't very good, more of a cotton candy kind of thing, but it reads quick and sometimes its fun to read for FUN.

There was a line in the book that jumped out at me.  The main character is a witch, but she doesn't use her powers, she wants to be like normal people.  A male character tells her "You are what you are, no matter what you do."

Hmm...how long have I been running away from who I am?  And at what cost?   I too want to be normal and if that meant not using my talents, intelligence, passions, well so be it then.

Of course, this does not work.

After reading that sentence, I was reminded of one of my favorite quotes, it is from the Gospel of Thomas:

Bring forth what is within you
What you bring forth will save you
So not bring forth what is within you
And what you do not bring forth will harm you

I am afraid to bring forth what is within me, because I don't know what it will mean.
Does it mean another friendship ends?  Does it mean I become more of a misfit in our society?
Does it mean I end up alone?

I can vividly remember as a young girl wanting to fit in with others.  I wanted to be like my best friend who had blue eyes and strawberry blonde hair.  I wanted to be anyone but ME.

Since my time in Italy, I have had a stronger pull to be me.  I hesitate though, because I sense it means change, big change.

I don't know if I can do it.  I don't know if I am strong enough to go it alone.

I took a walk on my property yesterday.  I walked to my favorite tree ('Two-tree' I call her/him, two trees that share a base) because I am able to talk freely, I feel a sense of mother goddess there.

I prayed for guidance, I prayed for a way to go.

I also prayed for cancer with 6 months to live so that I could have an end point of my life.  Life is overwhelming.  There is much beauty and I don't want to leave my sons, but I am also so TIRED.
SO tired...

I was quiet last night, fell asleep early, hiding from the world.  This morning I was an emotional zombie.  I finally decided to go for a run, even though it was 11am, late for me.

I ran through Newbury Village, my first time.  It was a great run.  After the first mile, I gained energy.  For the last 1/4 of a mile my body ran as fast as it ever has.  It was amazing, the strength in my body was pushing and it felt like I was flying.

There are so many things twirling within me and no one to share them with.  I ache for connection, but not just ANY connection.

I don't know whether I am going to make it or not.

I emailed my one close friend yesterday and lifted the glass ceiling.  (gulp)
I haven't heard back from her.

Courage Patty, courage.

my glass ceilings

Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world.
 Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.” 
― Rumi

I was talking to a friend the other day and I heard myself say "There seems to be a glass ceiling in all my friendships, I can't go any further"

Later in the conversation, it became clear to me that I PUT the glass ceilings there, I put them there as a safety measure.  I put them there out of fear.  I put them there because I am afraid that if I unleash myself, the intensity of my emotions and thinking will burn people up and they will leave me.  (A strong sense of childhood comes up as I wrote that sentence.)

The pressure of hitting this ceiling scares me.  Where do I go now?

Do I have to walk away from everyone?  Why is this theme of loss/death/change hounding me?

The resentment pops up with "I've lost both my sisters, ended several friendships, gotten divorced, what more do you want of me?!"

The answer rises from a deep tavern within me,

"More, "  it calmly says.

I am not accepting this gratefully, nor with any grace.  It's ugly.

The scariest part is that I know it's true.  I've put myself into situations again and again, cutting myself up to fit the allowable spaces.  I've kept quiet when I needed to speak.  I've spoken when I had nothing to say, but the silence was uncomfortable.

What is this glass ceiling?  It is the place where I stop being me.  The place where I am doubtful that anyone will like who I am.   The place where it is very clear that I hold different views from my friends. The place where I think no one will understand me.  The place that is vulnerable because it's true.

I am sure that someone will offer me the advice, "Lift the glass and be yourself."

I have.

 For example, when I lifted the glass in my marriage I found that I didn't have enough in common with him to continue the relationship.  The glass ceiling had been my way of staying in a situation that was intolerable.  Lifting the glass, I saw things that petrified me becasue it meant I couldn't pretend to be blind anymore. It also meant I had to DO something.

I lifted the glass in friendships by talking about things that were 'unspeakables'  topics such as drinking or parenting.  As soon as I moved beyond the ceiling, they weren't comfortable with me anymore and I couldn't put the ceiling back into place.  More loss.

I have been upset of late, judging our society for all its faults.  I've also been wondering why my friends live, what I deem, inauthentic lives.

I know enough about psychology and projection to finally realize that I am making comments about myself.  I am upset with myself for getting caught up in the machine of our culture.  Joseph Campbell and many others have warned us, "Do not let the machine eat you up."  Darth Vader in 'Star Wars' represented what happens when we do not protect ourselves from getting swept away, from  technology, from anger, from arrogance.

As for who is leading an inauthentic life...that would be ME.

"Be the change you want to see in the world."

I am afraid.

What if no one likes me?
What if I end up alone?
What if no one understands me?
What if no one connects with me?
What if I have no one to count on?
What if I am wrong and I should go along with the 'group think' of society?

But what if I never come out of hiding?
What if I don't take the risk of removing the glass ceiling?

Which is worse?

I would deeply regret not taking the risk.

There was a line in the New Yorker (May 28, 2012) at the end of a John Lahr review of the now closed play by Will Eno called 'Title and Deed'  that reverberated within me to such a degree that it was a mini-ephiphany.

The line was a summation of the play's philosophical theme:  
"Enjoy the nothingness while you can."

I don't have a firm belief in a life after death and I am drawn to the subtler aspects of Zen buddhism. (Like Woody Allen, I wouldn't want to be a member of any group that would have me.)

 This line made it clear to me that there is nothing to wait for, nothing to earn, nothing to worry about...life is a nothingness.  It is what we do in and of this nothingness that matters.

Post-Thanksgiving Existential blues

My sons and I went to Long Island, to my mom's tiny apartment, for the holiday.  We bought a VT fresh turkey and the holiday went really well.

The next 5 days weren't as easy.

The TV is a major player at my mom's place.  There is no way to get away from it.  No matter where you sit or stand, other than the bathroom, there IT IS.

My last 2 days there were starting to take a toll.  I call our culture of BUYING and looking PERFECT the matrix.  The shows on TV, the reality ones, the commercials/news/shows of botox-induced women...I started to feel so unconnected that it was bordering on scary.

I look around and can't figure out if anyone is paying attention.  I know there are many smart people in the world, a lot smarter than me, yet I don't see it  in the day-to-day stuff.

I find myself shaking my head in utter amazement or utter disgust.   I feel very alone.

I stand there and want to shout "The emperor has NO CLOTHES!!!!  What the hell are you doing?"

Main stream America scares me.  Now, I don't want to live in fear, so I am not sure what to do with this.

I wonder if prior to WWII there were people in Germany who looked around and wondered what the hell was going on?  Where is the decency and common concern?  Who is speaking the truth?  Who is manipulating the news, media, laws?

I am watching things move along in a strong fast current...
computers, ipods, a new TV show about a serial killer who mutilates women, zombie movies,  violent gaming, objectified women in all aspects of media, macho military men with machine guns.

Where is the outrage?  It seems to take another high school shooting to get the conversation going, yet even then the focus is on the child NOT the environment in which this child grew up.

To bring this back to a personal level, I am starting to think I am a BIG misfit, that I do not belong here anymore.  It is as though I am standing in the middle of crowd and yet I am on a tiny ice float in the middle of this fast river, being swept away.

As a parent I have been a dam holding back the waters so my sons have time to grow up naturally. I want them to be rooted to the earth, to their true nature, before they go out there.  What anchors most kids, people? I have no clue.

I feel less and less part of this society.  It passed through my mind several times in the last day or 2 that maybe my time here is over.  Maybe there isn't any reason to stay here and keep fighting this current.

Do I give in?

It's not giving in, I am just REALY tired of standing up and withstanding these pounding waters.  The waters are EVERYWHERE it seems.  I honestly do not understand all of this.

When I was Italy, I saw silly things on the TV in Rome, but I didn't feel it as much when I was walking around there.  I hardly felt it at all in the Umbria regions.  It wasn't as pervasive there.

Perhaps this is the way life goes, the changing of the generations.  Unfortunately, the people I know who are my age, even my brother and cousins, and mother have embraced this new lifestyle.

I am a lone voice.  Even my children balk at my pulling back the curtain on our society.

Joseph Campbell used to say "Don't let the machine (society) eat you up"  But he never said how lonely it is when you do.

I am thankful that I see what I see.  What I wouldn't give to hear someone else utter the words,
 "The emperor is naked!".

coming into focus

There has been a shift of late, people who I have known for a while seem different.  Now, what are the chances that everyone I know has changed? Nil. Chances that I have changed? Not nil.

It is fascinating.  Sometimes it feels like an out of body experience. I am in a conversation and then suddenly I am seeing the other person very clearly and there is no way I can NOT see them.  But what I see, isn't what I thought it was.  It's more like an adjustment, as though my focus was out of whack.

I tend to want to see the good in people because I want to see the good, I want this person to be who I want them to be.  My image of them is better than the real thing.  It's as though I have made these people up in my imagination.  I've airbrushed them in many ways.

But these days, the airbrushing is disappearing.  Perhaps this is how I have treated myself in the past too.  I had an image of me.  The big difference is that my image of me was negative.
All I could see was the ugliness, the unwanted stuff.  As my vision cleared about myself, I can see things more clearly.

Some of the things I have seen have made me sad, but I tell myself it is better to see what IS really there than to continue making things up as I go along.  I didn't know I was blurring the lines about people.  I didn't want to see.

This clarity comes at a cost.  I don't have to do anything drastic but I need to see the truth.  I need to see where I am and what I am doing.  I think in order to grow and move on, I need to be clear where I have been.

I keep thinking I should be more disappointed, more sad but I am not.  Seeing people as they are is actually freeing.  I don't need to save them.  I don't need to fix them.  I don't need to stay small so they feel big.  They have choices.  I have choices.  I am not permanently attached, there is wiggle room.

I can stand among the people I know and be.  I too am not an airbrushed rendition.  I have flaws and I am no longer ashamed of it.  I feel worthy of who I am.  I feel safe to move on.  Seeing the truth gives me comfort.  My wooded path seems to be opening up to a clearing and I am grateful for the vision.

  

a waiting game

The purge-mode I have been in for weeks is now complete.  The last of the bins have been organized.  For some reason the photos, papers, the boys' childhood artwork, the baby clothes and blankets were the last to be gone through.

For 2 weeks I lived with a mass of bins (about 10) in the sunroom.  I ignored them to the best of ability each evening as I sat on my loveseat, less than 3 feet away from the mess.

No matter how much I wanted to tidy that area up, I couldn't.  The thought of it brought me to my knees.  It was this work that I found challenging.  What to keep, what to let go.

Thankfully, the day came when it didn't seem like a huge task.  It was simple, put all the photos in one bin, put the artwork and baby stuff in another.  I rapidly went through each photo and artwork.  I kept most of it, but there was a pile of stuff for the recycle center.

I burned 12 notebooks of journals.  I put them into the woodstove.  Good-bye.

I am not afraid to say good-bye to my past.  I have been a person who continues to grow and change, hence, I do not have any long time friends.  Some people stay the same, pretty much, not me.  I see a photo of me from 5 years ago and I don't know who the hell I was.

I've had a long way to come, it's been a very long road and yet, there is more.  I am a seeker, someone who is always searching for meanings.  I don't know if this is good or bad, but it is true.  I think of that line in the movie "Lord of the Rings"  when Galadriel says to Frodo "You ARE a ring-bearer."
I know I am a seeker/searcher.

So this purge cycle that has pushed me, pulled me for the past month is over.  I have known the whole time that I was preparing for something.  I needed to get my house in order.  The thought of "I am moving" has come up time and time again.

I do not know why I am doing these things, but I know they must be done.  I have accomplished it.

Before I left for Italy the mantra of "I'm going" was so strong.  No matter what, I was going.  I went.
I learned.  I grew.  I laughed.  I cried.  I ran.  I stood in awe.  It was beyond description.

I am continuing to honor this 'force'  this energy.  I follow, not knowing the outcome.

I look around the house and see a job well done.  My mind says, "Now what?".  There is silence.

Now is the time to wait.  With the ground all prepared, the seeds plants, I wait.

It is hard to stop after all this galloping.  I am exhausted, but I felt alive.  I see that I am not as comfortable with the quiet portion of this...whatever this is, cycle?

Down time, letting things take root, time...but I want it NOW.  The answer is 'Not now'.  I don't like it.
No one cares what I like.

So I am changing gears, down shifting.  It feels uncomfortable.  I have faith though, I have experienced how things fall into place when we let them.  That is how I was able to spend a month in Italy.  I don't know what is next.  I do not know how much time it will take.  I don't even know what the hell is going on with me.  Still, I trust.

I am allowing all my hard work to rest, to settle.  I will allow myself naps, allow myself an unknowing stance, I will take care of myself and find gentle, tender ways to be with myself and others.

I will give myself time for quiet and time to compile my writings from Italy into a book.  This is a gift to myself, to work with my words and edit them into a book.  I LOVE to edit.  I realize I already have the book, the words are already written.  This is my winter project.  I am just beginning to feel excited about it, rather than scared or burdened.

I don't know what is in store for me but my house IS in order and I am ready to MOVE.  Patience is the name of the game now, patience and waiting for things to naturally unfold.  Breath deep, it's going to be okay.

a cold run

I met a friend for a morning run today.  He is also the hubby of a friend.  He runs 4 miles, I run 2.  This is the 2nd time we have met up at the high school track.  It does make it easier to run when someone else is on the track. 

I had emailed him that I had been sad for the last 2 days. I had trouble sleeping last night because I knew I had to get up early.  I don't have running pants, so I wore my shorts along with a wool hat, fleece-lined mittens, and big thick green fleece. My legs were red, but after a mile, I didn't feel the cold anymore.

I felt awkward because I wasn't feeling like myself much.  We walked a lap after he was done and then headed over to the local cafe for much needed coffee.

As we sat and talked, I felt embarrassed that I couldn't quite break free of this sadness fog that is following me around like a cloud old dirt (pigpen from the Peanuts).

We both read a lot of eastern philosophy and he said a few things that were helpful but in an unguarded moment I heard myself say,   "I hate myself for being who I am". 

This is what I have done most of my life, blamed me.  I blame me for being different than other people, for having needs, for my feelings, for my dreams....

It always seems so simple: "If I were DIFFERENT, than things would be better."  
Wow, that is quite a load to carry. 

I stayed married because I was sure I could change myself to fit the role that was needed.  I would tell myself how nice he was and that I was selfish or difficult or wrong.  

I've kept friendships afloat because I couldn't find a reason other than "it's my problem".

I even think it is my responsibility to morph into what will make people happy.  This often does not go along with what makes me happy, well it does, because I am trying to make them happy. But after they are happy, I am left with emptiness and bitterness. 

Perhaps other people have had better experiences, but for me, making others happy at my expense brings on depression and sadness.  I feel dead, stuck and lose my interest in life.
How can that be a good thing?

I do believe that we are separate beings AND we are one.  So why is it that trying hard to make other people feel good, doesn't feed me?  If I and the other are one, where the hell am I?

I wrote in my journal the other night about love and where do we draw the line on sacrificing who we are to that loved one.  I grew up with the idea that loving someone means giving them what they want, even if that isn't who you are or what you feel comfortable doing.  

Now would I want someone to love me like that? No. I would hate that actually.  

Do I know how to love?

At 47, I have a pretty good idea who I am.  I am not sure I have a relationship with any other adult that is based on both of us being genuinely ourselves.  The few friends I have, tend to have thick social personas, not that they don't show me the truth of themselves from time to time.  But I don't have a foundational relationship based on 2 real people.

I used to describe what I wanted in my next relationship as " Two-tree Love" meaning that each of us would be complete, our own roots and know what kind of tree we are, that on our own, we are whole.  I envisioned us being near each other, but not blocking the sun.  Being close, growing in the same soil yet growing in our rhythms.  The tree motif is a strong one with me.  

I wrote the other day, "I am a real tree now" that is how I have felt since my return from Italy.  I know what kind of tree I am.  The difficulty I am having, is that I also see that I am very different from those I know.

This is the sadness I feel.  To be myself, to be the tree that I am, means standing alone. (for now anyway)

How far do we bend to fit in with others?  How far to cover up our leaves, so others won't notice ours are a different shape and color?

It's not that I am so unique or special, but the things that concern me, my views, the way I process life, my intellect,  dreams, honesty, vulnerability...I can't find them out there.  So I assume something is wrong with me.   I call out and hear no echo.  There are no takers, or responders. There are people who talk a good game, but their life does not reflect what they say.

In another moment of unguarded honesty this morning I said "I don't admire any of my friends"  OUCH, that was not my best moment today.  But what I meant is that I don't know anyone who is risking themselves in order to be true to themselves. I know people who are caught in jobs they don't like, stay in sexless marriages, grab easy codependent relationships, have lots of low self-esteem, people wanting to break free but who don't.

It's not that I don't admire people, but I don't have an example of someone I personally know who is breaking free of old roles, old armor, old beliefs.  Everyone I know is doing what I used to do.

I don't know what I am doing these days.  I'm almost done with the organizing, just 4 bins of old photos and such.  I sent out my resume and cover letter to Dartmouth for a full time job. I am taking care of myself with the medical stuff.  I am cutting my last legal ties with my ex-spouse about the house.

I don't know how all this plays out.  I do know I need to do it all.  Fear continues to whip around my ears when I stop to rest.  Are all these changes for the best?  Am I just swimming against the tide?  Am I a mess and not aware?

I don't know.  I listen to that invisible, quiet force and go where it pulls/tugs at me.
I am petrified.  I go anyway.  I can't envision a future for myself.  I move forward.
I am fool or I am fortunate.  Maybe a bit of both.

tired of being strong

I sit here and wonder how anybody makes it alone.  The weight of responsibilities, the stress of financial budgets, the never-ending distractions and decisions of motherhood, I am exhausted.
I am only one person and a smart one, but my knees are buckling from the strain of holding it all together.

I can't believe this is my life.  I can't believe that I have no one to lean on, no one to be strong for 10 minutes while I fall apart.

Atlas, I understand your woes.

What do I do, drop everything?

 A woman in town called me because she wants to file for divorce and wanted help.  Her husband walked out of her and her 2 teenage boys in August.  I feel bad for her, it must hurt to have someone walk away. I also understand what he did, he left because he couldn't change it and he wanted out.

I want out too.   But how do I leave and still have any self-respect for myself?  How do I leave and tell my kids it's not about them?  How do I prove I love them...by leaving?

What is love?  Where are the boundaries?   How much of ourselves is enough?  Is there ever enough?

With all my buddhist philosophy, I ask myself "Where is the peace in all this?"   I don't know.
It feels chaotic in the house when the boys are talking, playing music, being kids.  What is MY problem?   I want quiet, I want solitude after a day of busyness and chores and phone calls, emails, food shopping, on and on.

What is wrong with me?  I have 2 wonderful children and all I can think of right now is to yell,
"Leave me alone".  

After 6 or 7pm I am burnt out.  I wish I had more to give, but I am depleted.

I know some people, but I don't know anyone as strong as me.  I don't know if strong is the right word, but someone who can be present, deal with the truth, juggle several things at once, intelligent...

I've been home from Italy for 6 weeks, my life has become more and more busy.  How do I get some control over the days?  It is as though my life were on automatic pilot.

I can keep living like this, but it takes such a personal toll.

I can't find a way NOT to live like this, and that crushes my soul.

I am not trapped, although I feel stuck.

What do I owe life, my children, my mother, myself?   I am tired of going it alone.  I am tired of not having an adult to be able to talk over things with, someone I respect and admire.

I don't want to carry all of this alone, yet there is no one to hand it off to either.

Like Atlas, I hold...and hold...and hold.   I withstand the pressure, by not cracking.  I wouldn't put this load on anyone else either, it is too much for one person.  So I stay.

The weight is bearing down and I can hear my bones sigh.   I don't know what to do.

It's a lonely life being strong, everyone assumes you're fine.  I refuse to be a victim to get sympathy.
Why don't we support the strong people rather than focus on the people doing so little?

The squeaky wheel gets the oil, eh?

I'll do what I can for as long as I can.  I can't walk out the door, but I wish I could.  That's what makes me so sad, knowing that if I could, I would.  There lies the rub.

halloween blues

It has been one tough day. Yesterday wasn't much better.

First, I have been pushing myself hard for almost 2 weeks now. That is my fault/responsibility.

This drive to get things done, to get this house simplified, has also added a lot of stress.

I went for a mile run yesterday at 5pm, even though I had already eaten an early supper.  I normally do not run on a full stomach.  I need to clear my head, so off I went.  I didn't do more than a mile because my body was hurting all day long.

I knew something was brewing then, but ignored it, like any normal person would.

Today started off okay, woke up with a list of things to do again.  A friend I have not seen in a few months called and we decided to meet for coffee at a local cafe.

We met, we chatted, we parted.  By the time I got home, I was useless.  If you've ever been depressed or have seen someone depressed, that's what I looked like.  I had no energy, I was stuck, I felt dead on some level.

What the hell was in that coffee?

No, it was me getting hooked once again into believing thoughts that are not true.  Here are some of them:
 (it took me all day to find them and in the meantime, I was absolutely miserable)
"I don't fit in with anyone anymore"
"What's wrong with me"
"Nobody gives a shit about me"
"I need to squeeze myself back into who I used to be"
"I can't be myself"

I cried this afternoon when my 17 yr old son asked me why I seemed quiet and sad.  I felt as though I were in mourning.  I have lost both my sisters in the past 11 years, so I know grief.

Maybe I was mourning who I used to be or the friendships I used to be a part of...I don't know.

I was sad and I felt as though I shut myself down sometime during that hour-long conversation this morning.  She was fine, but I couldn't find a hook, a place to connect with her.  I was ashamed of myself.  Why?  I was brought up to feel ashamed, is my first reaction.  My second is, I am hardwired to self-destruct in situations such as these, where I feel different that other people.

I also take far too much upon myself.  When I sense someone is uncomfortable, I automatically go into "memory foam" mode.  I make sure the other person feels comforted, cozy, and I warp myself into their shape to make sure they are not threatened or slightly bothered by who I am.

I spent this evening writing down things like:
"What happened to me, I was so happy this month"
"Where is that peace I've been feeling since my return?"
"Why am I so miserable?'
"I am not responsible for other people's feelings"
"How do I find peace in my life, as is?"

I have been spreading myself too thin and pushing through pain rather than resting.  Resting scares me. This is new for me.

I am also having an MRI done Friday to see what is happening to my spine.  Xrays showed bone spurs growing on my lumbar discs and the pain is moderate to semi-high.

I have learned in the past 18 months to live with pain, but there is a point where it pops through and there is no way to ignore it.  I don't want pain and illness to take over my life.  I want to act healthy for as long as I can.

I know how bad things are but what is the point of talking about it all the time?

I did tell my boys yesterday afternoon I was in pain and needed to rest.  I speak up every few days when it gets bad.

It's hard living with pain, but I do it.

Tonight when I went into my bedroom and closed the door because I was so upset, I wrote to myself: "I am doing all I can. I am giving all I've got.  People expect more from me?  When do I get a reprieve? When do I get credit for handling this so well?  When do I get an A+ for doing so much?"

The answer is, never.  We live our lives. No one is keeping score.  People who are not doing all they can don't get warning tickets and people who excel don't get a star sticker.  It is very childish of me to think otherwise.

I can't even remember what it feels like to NOT be in pain.  All my joints are aching and my neck is tight tight tight.

STRESS.  That is what I am producing.  It is not a healthy thing for me.  How do I get things done and still maintain a sense of inner peace?

My return from Italy is getting harder as I sink back into my life.  I feel I am a square peg surrounded by round holes that I can't fit into.  I am alone with no place to go and I feel embarrassed.  Everyone is looking at me wondering "Why don't you fit into the round hole, we do, what's up with you?"

I know I don't fit.  There is a small amount of envy for those who do fit, yet, I don't want to be in the round hole.  I want to be in the square hole.  I can't find a square hole.  I have no place to hid.  I feel vulnerable and exposed.  I feel ashamed of who I am.

I am trusting that this is phase.  Maybe soon I will walk off the round hole peg board and find other peg boards more suited to me.  Maybe not.  The truth is I am a square person living in a round world.  I thought I was round, my friends are round.  In Italy, I uncovered my squareness.  I love it but it is uncomfortable right now as I don't know what to do, where to turn, or how to stand.  People are looking.  I will not put on a round costume, Halloween or not.   It is time to embrace who I am, no matter the difficulty.  It is, after all, the truth.  

Here comes SANDY

The wind is picking up and my wind chimes are making beautiful sounds. The worst of the storm will be overnight. Most of us Vermonters are ready for loss of electricity.  Bummer for many, as we have our own wells.  Losing the ability to flush, is harder than you might imagine.

I have been continuing the house purge.  I have been through every room, closet and drawer.  The basement is cleaned out and what little is down there, BBQ, skis, a bike, stack of tires is organized.

The addition was finished today. That was a big load of my mind.  Every day I have completed 8-12 things. I am working 6-8 hours a day. My boys are helping me as I go. I don't know what this is all about, but it is strong and big. (like Sandy)

My month in Italy prepared me to listen to the inner forces that guide us, IF we can listen.  I wish I could explain how it goes, but it is so beyond words.  I could say magical, but that isn't it either.

I only know that it is a vital energy, a living energy and it is part of me, yet not me at all. Paradox, I love it.

The past 2 weeks have been similar to a nesting instinct, the push to get things done late in your 9th month of pregnancy.  Or like the urge to push when giving birth, it overtakes you...you can't NOT do it.  I suppose this is what they mean by the tao, the way.  If you can syncopate yourself to this nature, its golden.

I still have my stressful moments, especially with two adolescents, but there is always this sense of grounding, of knowing it really is okay, no need to panic.

Remember the childhood song "Row row your boat"?

I am thinking now of the last line "Life is but a dream".  I don't mean that it isn't real, I mean that it is a dream, enjoy it and don't take it so seriously.  The time we have, now, is such a gift.  What we have been looking for, talking to therapists about, complaining to our friends because we don't have...WE  HAVE, we are IT, we are part of it all.

Now I sound new age-y, or drunk or high or like I have a new boyfriend.  NOPE, it's me sober and sitting on my couch listening the the rain and wind.  I have not lost my senses, I have come to my senses. (from 1939 movie "Scrooge")

I am leaving. I know this.  How, what , why ,when?  No clue, none.   I will take it a moment at a time, just like I did in Italy.  Italy taught me or gave me the space to learn to live.  I met myself and we are friends.

Everything has changed, nothing has changed.   I don't mind feeling alone in this because I know I am not alone.  We are all struggling in some way.  I am leanring to struggle less and when I do, there is grace, peace and I smile.  I giggle to myself more.  It's like I know the inside joke.

So along I go, cleaning, organizing, donating, recycling, throwing away.  Again and again and again.
In a few more days, things will be in their place. (temporarily, as change is constant)  I suppose the next step (leap of faith) that I need to take will come to me.  Experience shows me it will.  My heart knows this is just the beginning of a long long journey.  But going home?  I am home, wherever I am.

Three weeks home and...

I am realizing that there is no going back to how life was before the Italy trip.

I am not sure what or how it happened, but something significant has changed.  Did I learn something, or let go of something...did I wake up, there is no way of figuring it out.

I find that when I am with people I know, I am detached.  Not in a putting-off kind of way, but that I see and sense the situation differently.  I don't know how the hell I used to do it, going along with behavior that is so obviously rude or thoughtless.  I must of been paralyzed or something NOT to have reacted in the past.

I have something now that I didn't have then, a home...a home within myself.  I feel it so strongly, this sense of I, but not an egotistical sense.  It's more of a comfort and it has nothing to do with anyone else.
I just know that I am okay and safe and a good person.

I ran into a friend who I have known for 8 years the other day.  I don't see her much anymore, but we were in a very small homeschooling group together and were close for a few years.

I heard that her dog died so I sent her a card and my boys and I signed it, I added a little note telling her we would miss Archie.

When I saw her at a social function we chatted for a bit.  After she talked for a while, she asked what I had been up to lately.  I told her I got back from Italy 2 weeks ago.  She said "Oh yeah, I forgot about that"  and then started talking about her home life.  I went along with the flow of the conversation, but there was this quick cold feeling of "wow" that ran through me. (Nor did she mention anything about my 50 lb weight loss since June.)

I see that most of the friends I have NEED me to be who I used to be, so they can feel good about themselves. That was who I was, the person who made other people feel better, whether it was because I listened or because I was overweight or because I live paycheck to paycheck, or because I am single.

What an eye-opener it has been to me how poorly I treated myself.  I honestly didn't believe I was worth much to put up with such treatment.

Another very close friend didn't even ask to see any photos of Italy, that hurt.

I have hardly even TALKED about Italy, nevertheless showed photos.

Why am I editing myself?  Why am I making my life SMALL again?

I don't want to be part of relationships like this anymore.  There is a part of me that says" Who do you think YOU are??!!"

I am who I am and I am not being selfish nor mean when I say these things.

I am mostly shocked about how much I didn't see before.  I was scared maybe, scared to have no one like me.  But I don't want to be liked for playing the part of a loser so another person can feel like a winner.

I don't want to be the winner or the loser, I want to be me.  How can I find people who just want to be themselves?  I have no idea.

There are other changes, I realize I don't want to go back to being the CARETAKER of the house. I don't want to spend another day reminding my children what to do for the 5th time or cleaning up after them or having to clean and organize the addition AGAIN after doing it 4 months ago.

This is not MY life that I am taking care of, it is THING, STUFF, crappola.  I do not want to use my energy and time to take care of things that are NOT even mine.

I look in the mirror and I am not sure who is looking back, where is all this strength coming from?  Will it disappear?

I went for a run today, it has been 2 weeks.  The chiro doc told me not to run until my hip is better.
I was very upset after trying to clean up the garage and sort out junk, so I went for a run with my new minimizer sneakers.  I ran at the high school track, 4 laps, a mile and it felt wonderful and FREE.

The hip is doing okay.  I didn't do another half mile which is my usual distance, I didn't want to push. I took care of myself.

All this wonderful stuff that has been happening to me, it seems only 2 of my friends are not bent out of shape about it, plus my kids they have been supportive about Italy and my seeing the Dalai Lama.

Oh, yes, about HIM.  I was in the 5th row but off to the far right of the stage. he spoke for about 45 minutes and the best part was his laugh.  It was delightful and beautiful and it filled me with joy.  He is a truly kind being, simple as that.

I bought myself prayer beads from the monks who were chanting and they also made a sand mandala.  I bought a big set of prayer flags and tied them to the trees at the end of my long driveway.  I love them there, they are bright and pretty.

I major theme came to me today after I realized how much pressure is on my to take care of this house, the boys, my medical care, etc.  in a moment without even knowing what I was going to say, I asked my ex-husband to buy me out of the house.  I wanted OUT.

I am not even asking for half the value, just enough to buy a decent used car and pay for an apt for 6 months while I find a job.  Something came over me and that is what I told him.  I heard how firm and clear my voice sounded "I want out, you can have it all.  I don't want to do this anymore".

Again it wasn't about winning and losing, it was about what is true.  It isn't about THINGS, it is about life and love and dignity and truth.

I have been petrified of the truth for a LONG LONG time.  I am not anymore.  I am sorry that I am not the person people hoped I would be, damn, I'm sorry I am not the person I dreamed I would be...but I am NOT sorry about who I am.  I am a very decent person.  I care.  I am an avid student who is always learning.

I can't be the person who the people I care about, want or need me to be.  What is the shame in that?
The truth is I was never that person anyway, I was just TRYING hard all the time to be an image.

Is it so wrong to try to make a life for myself where I am nourished?  I don't think so.  I am not scared of the turth anymore.  I am not scared or hiding who I am anymore.  I am also no longer afraid to look at other people and see who they are.

There was a time, not so long ago where all of that would have been too much, what would I do if I lost everyone, if they left me.   Now I know that I will be okay, with or without them.  I will be okay because I am okay.  I don't have to fix them or talk to them about what they can do to get better, I can just walk my own path, take my own advice and let them live THEIR life the way they want.

A peaceful walking away.  May they know peace, may they know happiness, may they know love.  I wish the same for myself.

Row E, Seat 7

I got to use my suitcase again, this time to stay overnight in Danbury, CT.  Tomorrow at 10am I will be in the 5th row, on the right side of a 3500-seat auditorium,  to hear the Dalai Lama talk about what we can do in our daily lives to increase compassion in ourselves and help others.

I drove down with a woman from my town, she was the one who got the tickets and I was lucky enough to be the first one to respond to her Facebook posting 3 months ago about the extra ticket.

On the drive down she asked me about Italy and it was so much fun reliving some of things I did.
I also realize how different I am since my return.  I am truly changed.  I am not sure if everyone who travels has such a life-altering experience, but I did.

I am more at peace with life, just the bottom line basic 'om' of life.   I can appreciate the moment of NOW, more often.  Looking at the beautiful things in Italy (almost everywhere, it seemed) taught me to LOOK and appreciate.

I am excited about hearing HIM tomorrow.   I am not sure why, but something wonderful is going to happen.  I feel like a little girl, excited and a little giggly.

More tomorrow...

motherhood

Being away for a month allowed me the gift of not having to take care of anyone.  I never knew how much energy and time I put into other people, especially my children.

There is a saying "You don't know how wet you are, until you get out of the water,"  and I must admit it was nice being dry for a while.

There are many paths to take in parenting, I took the road less traveled.  Yes, it has made all the difference, but it is also a much steeper road and it demands quite a toll.

I will admit that I am an excellent parent.  I will also admit that it is extremely difficult and exhausting.

I don't care to do anything half-ass,  but for things that mean a lot to me, I know no bounds.  I'm in it, heart, soul, feet, and breath.   Might be good, might be bad, but that's me.

Today was a hearty reminder of how much input mothering costs me and I am not always happy to pay.

Where is the line from what I need to do for me and the needs of two adolescent sons?  If you think you know the answer,  you've never raised children.

I know we are all separate beings, I also know we are one.  In raising my children, I am raising myself.  What I do to them, I do to myself.   I have not been blessed with an abundance of patience, so there are many times I am full of fury and don't know what to do with the emotion.

Sometimes things look so clear to me and I am quick, very quick, to point out my children's errors and faults.

Today I did something new and it presented itself quietly.  I sat, stayed calm, and gave my son the space, time and room, to be.  I stayed in the room without anger or frustration.  I refused to get all in a jumble and react.

 Like I did in Italy, I followed an almost in-perceivable sensation and it turned out beautifully.

Staying in the moment, in the truth of whatever IS, knowing what was happening was not about me, yet was about me....it was about my son, yet it wasn't...that the human drama of feeling unsure, scared, and lost in thoughts of "what should be"  when all there really is is what is.
( This is not easy to put into words.)

In the end,  there was no drama, no fault, no one disappointing anyone; There was a hot wood stove crackling, 2 cats sleeping on the floor, and 2 people sitting on a couch.    It was simple, it was easy, it was the truth.

changes

Physically I am working on getting rid of THINGS.  Sharing a house with others makes that difficult.  Also, I can't do as much as I used to.  My mind has me whipping through each room, but my back, tells me otherwise.

De-cluttering my life on a few levels: old thoughts/beliefs, old patterns, relationships.

I am letting things go and it is a mixed feeling of lightness and sadness.

My trip to Italy has changed everything for me.  My outlook about life is different, I find I am more passionate about life, JUST the fact of life, empty as it is.  I say thank you, all the time, for my experience of NOW.

Being home, I see the heaviness of my old life.  A lot of time is needed to maintain a house and THINGS.  I have boxed myself in and now I am opening doors.

I need so much less than I have and getting rid of things isn't as easy as you would think.
Where does this stuff go?  A landfill?  Do I really want to do a yard sale? (NO)

I have more humor these days, even about the tough things.

I have less email from people as I have stopped being a caretaker.  I was thinking this morning that the people I called friends, weren't even friends.  Again, no anger towards them, but I found it funny that I used to think that friends meant anyone who would 'put up with me'.  Amazing how little I thought of myself.

Somewhere in my life I learned to take scraps for gold.  I always felt I had to be VERY grateful to anyone who liked me, as though it was a great hardship being my friend.  In Italy I found out what a great friend I am and I am being a friend to myself.

I was so off-balance about relationships because I believed I had no worth, but everyone else did.  Everyone has worth, whether I can easily see it or not.

I am not sure how I lived before, it feels so foreign to me now.  I see a big difference in me, I am more alive, more present, more human.

Right now in my life, there is loss.  I gets short bursts of sadness but I have no desire to go back to who I used to be.  I am sure there are 'friends' who will miss the old me,  but maybe this will give them a chance to grow too?

"I am preparing to move."  I don't know what that means exactly, but that is the sense I have these past 2 days. The thought keeps sweeping through my consciousness. I need to prepare to move.  Whether that means a real physical move (to another state) or a symbolic moving, doesn't matter.

I learned in Italy to follow those inner urges and not to be analytical about it.  What I have been searching for, I have, I am.  The answers (no, the way to go) come from within.  I learned to listen, I learned to trust, I learned that courage is not stopping to argue with fear.

So I am moving.  Letting go of things, relationships, patterns, illusions, and the old idea of who I am.

I have a lot to do, but I am getting it done, one tiny step at a time.   I have no clue where I am going.  For now, I am here on a cold rainy VT day getting ready to go through my closet and drawers.  I will fill up bags so I can donate them tomorrow.

It's time to part with my past.

1st week home and yet...

I feel as though I have been home for a month.  But the Italy trip still feels as though it were a year long odyssey.

I don't see many comments anymore, so perhaps I am getting BORING.  :)

I received an email from my brother full of bad news. He said he didn't want to bother me while I was in Italy. He is sweet.

I find that my time in Italy truly made some deep changes in my being.  Sure, stress has increased with the 'this needs to be done'  'can you drive me here?'  'taxes are due when!?' and those pesky doc appts.

But all in all, Italy lives on inside of me.  The walks along the Tiber, the breathtaking buildings in Perugia, the basilica in Assisi where I cried, the Roman wall in Spello, the food EVERYWHERE, the concerts in Umbertide, the Juno head at the Palazzo Altemps, St Peter's square, the lights from over the bridge, and those early morning runs in quiet Rome with the moon and morning star to brighten my way...INCREDIBLE!

I am not as wrapped with the busyness of life.  Normally I am the kind of person who would have everything put away a day after a vacation.  I still have 4 piles of stuff on my big bay window sill.
I haven't caught up with collecting the kindling we'll need for the winter.  The rooms aren't dirty, but things are messy.

I love the 'idea' of dedicating 2 whole days to getting all these things done, but it means pushing me , pushing the boys, and in the end, things get messy all over again.

I am looking for some balance here. (this is NEW) I also know after living in Anna'a house in Umbertide for 3 weeks, that there are a lot of things here that I do not need. I am not a hoarder and I regularly go through things several times a year to give to charity and local thrift shops.  It is different now because I realize I need very little, basically, not much.  Oh sure it's fun to have lots of doodads in the kitchen drawers, but I knew before I left I was feeling weighed down by what I own (and thought).

It is as though whatever I buy, buys me.  I want to keep that in mind as I move through life.  How much do I want to carry?  How much is related to fear?  Fear that 'SOMEDAY' I will need that mini melon scooper.  Or the fear of times when I have nothing to do and it pops in my head to go thrift store shopping to see what I can find.  If I don't need anything, there is nothing to find.   Read a book or better yet go out for a walk.  The accumulation of STUFF (good ol' George Carlin) is very sudden and often do our detriment.  I do try and buy local and used items, but even that can easily boom into clutter.

I've know lots of people who buy a bargain because it was a bargain. That bargain sits in their house year after year.  I know people who can't walk through their full size basements (3B 2b house) due to stuff.  They can't get rid of it.   So it sits, decays, smells, falls apart, clogs up the walk way and finally closes down the whole area.

Where in our lives do we do that same process, push things in the basement or up in the attic or in the garage. Stuff we don't want to part with, but no longer needed?  Shit, how many of us do that with our friendships, jobs, spouses?

Talking about relationships, I have 2 male friends (ages late 40's to mid 50's) and after they both spent about 10 months to get over intense (very unhealthy) relationships, they both hopped into new relationships quicker than cold water spits on a hot griddle pan.  'pop'

I was shocked.  After hours of conversations about finding who we are and needing to learn to take care of ourselves, yadda yadda yadda, they both did exactly what they did before, saw a woman across the room, raced over, dated twice, had sex, and ta da, living together.

They cling to each other as though they found their other half.  I call that 'crab love' 2 under-developed people who CLING to each other with tight crab grips thinking "Hey we are ONE now!"  I stand by and roll my eyes while I shake my head.  Same old, same old.  I'm disgusted.  I thought they were like me, they said they were anyway.  I am learning a lesson. Oh well.

The important lesson for me, don't always believe what people tell you about what they want, WATCH how they live their lives.  Actions speak but I ignored it.

So I continue to go my merry way down the path I am going.  They have decided to go another route. I miss seeing them and waving, but all I can see is their back now, as they walk arm in arm (crabs) with this person  thinking "This time,  I'll get it right and she (he) will save me".

Good luck with your choices, I need to move on.

I continue to head into the black forrest where there is no path.  But the closer I get to the deep thick cluster of trees, I can see more clearly.  From a distance it looks dark, dead, and abandoned.  Close up it smells of rich pines and oaks and great other tree smells.  I hear birds and see little creatures running along with seeds and nuts in they jowls.  I see there is plenty of room between the trees for me to walk and run.  And sunlight indeed shines down here as does the moonlight in the evenings/nights.  It is breathtaking here.  People stay away from the unknown, they want the path to be trodden by others first and they want where they are going to look beautiful from a distance and make them promises.

They are missing a lot, playing it safe, walking the same old paths with the same type of people.

Me?  I'm off on my own, in awe of the beauty here (and in me).

I too once believed that life was about pretty things and hooking up with people who made me feel good about myself (even though I didn't show them who I really was)  and staying away from dark, distant unknown things, places, people.

No more.  No more.

Some may say I have lost my mind, walking away from things, friends, patterns and no longer pursuing  success, trying to win a man,  only allowing myself to be people's caretakers.

I may have lost my mind, but it wasn't MY MIND, it was a mind filled from the time I was a child from an old religion, from parents who didn't understand their own emotions, from teachers who could be mean, from lots of kids who were cruel, from men who hurt me, from men who thought it was okay to verbally humiliate me because I was overweight, from friends who used me to make them feel better, from me thinking I had to stay to take whatever people were kind enough to give me.

My mind is my own now. No one hurts me.(not even me)  It is a content mind, full of compassion, full of connection to nature and others, a mind that sings, dances and smiles.  A mind that is not afraid to open and come out of tiny rooms, so it can breath and be free.  A mind that is not afraid to move.

My mind is open and clear as the sky, and going into dark places does not scare me.  I walk where my invisible path leads me.  I don't argue.  This I learned in Italy, to trust.  To trust me, to trust the universe (what I can see, sense, hear, feel,whatever)  I go along.  Life is an adventure when we let go of the stuff, whatever that stuff might be.

It is just after dawn, another day begins.  Here I go...again.

Back to DHMC

Dartmouth-Hitchcock Medical Center (DHMC) is a place I appreciate and hate, mostly the latter lately.
Being away for a month has not changed how I feel as I walk through the colorless halls. I needed to have blood tests done today and I thought back to my time in Italy as though it were a long ago memory.  Did I really run at dawn to Popolo Piazza just 7 days ago?

I am back to organizing my medical appts, the calendar is filling up fast.

  I had a talk with my former spouse today about finances and found myself telling him about medical issues.  I listened to myself and  felt thoroughly sorry for the poor woman, who was me.

Am I so removed from myself that I do not recognize all I am going through?  I recall saying to him, "I can't remember a day I haven't been in pain,"  and worse, it was true.

I know there are others out there who deal with pain.  I choose not to medicate.  I don't like how I feel on meds,  they don't ever take it all away anyway.

I have learned not to focus on the pain, I let it be.  Often I can get involved enough in something and it takes my mind off of it.

Having so much to do everyday in Italy, it was easier to put it on the back burner of my awareness.

I thought about resting for a while this afternoon and then thought, if I was in Italy I would be walking for hours.  I don't want to stop living!!  Illness takes so much from me, I don't want to give it an inch more.

It is a very private world, being ill.  After the initial shock wears off, everyone gets back to their lives.  Is reminds me of how I felt after my sister died 2 years ago,  a week later  and  people were talking to me and treating me like nothing had happened.  It is sad and lonely to have others not involved in your life.

i don't talk to many people about my illness, because honestly, no one wants to hear it.  I sure as hell couldn't have understood it if someone told me.  You have to experience it to understand.

Often when I am walking through the hospital I see people hurting, people struggling to walk, people who look exhausted, and I say quietly as I pass them "blessings".   It is my way on connecting to them. My way of reaching out.  I see them.  I understand suffering.

I suppose I could let it all go and become this illness, but I choose to be me.  There are times I want to scream "Make it stop!" or beg "Let me feel normal"  But this is my new normal.

So I show up for my appts.  I am nice to the people who work there.  I take it a breath at a time.

I know things could be worse...
I also know they could be better, and that's the rub.

everyone else seems...

the same, unhappy.

I was looking forward to today as there was a big fall festival gathering at a nearby organic farm and many of my friends would be there.

The first thing I noticed was that I had changed.  I was more myself, more of a 3D person less of a "what should I be, how should I act"  2D person.  I didn't make a big fuss about what to wear nor did I imagine any scenarios in my head. I just showed up, like I did in Italy.

I feel this sense of strength, not physical, rather soulful.  It felt as though I filled out my space, I didn't have to make myself small and I didn't have any self-conscious thoughts.  I felt good, I didn't need to look in the mirror or at a reflection in a car window.  I know who I am.

I was excited to see several people, but it was quite disappointing.  Instead of a genuine "How was Italy!?" question, there was a kind of "Hey you're back, here what's been going on with me" thing.

Did going away for a month make some people feel bad?  Are some people so clueless as to think that it was a good idea to launch into negative soap opera-style news today?

I was really taken back to how my life used to be, being the good listening friend and accepting the emotional dumping of others.   It felt yukky, it was heavy, it was a downer and none of it was mine.  Why add this to my life?  These people did fine while I was away.  I am not going back to that behavior, I have grown up, I don't need to caretake or mother people anymore.  Nope.

The few people who were genuinely happy for me, were not who I expected but I am very grateful to them.

Four of my friends play in band and I danced today, which felt good.  I danced as much as I could. I need it, my body needed it. I did that for me, that was what I needed to do and I did it.  This felt similar to who I was in Italy, following the muses rather than logic or fears or negative thoughts about who I am/what I look like.

On the drive home I was sad and disappointed.  So this is the life I had before? I asked myself.
It came as a shock on some level.  I think I have known all this for a while, but I didn't want to know.
I always hope for the best and/or make excuses for people.  But today I just showed up and saw 'what is' and it was ugly at times.

I didn't feel any anger toward anyone, at one point I started smiling and giggling to myself because it was so clear.  It was as though there were a private joke being told and only I could hear it.

I had some photos and postcards in the car that I was going to bring out and show people, but I didn't.
I didn't want such a beautiful experience as my month in Italy to be spoiled by people shuffling through them.  I treasure what happened to me and the beautiful things I saw in Italy, best to keep them private for now.

I have a dear older friend that I am seeing later in the week, I will show her the photos.

I am not going to put myself out there again to be treated poorly.  I am not going to assume that it is better to have friends, no matter what they do, than to be alone.

I was alone for most of the month in Italy and I treated myself with respect and honestly.  I don't want to change that now.

I used to have this thought that I was lucky that anyone liked me.  Now, I know that I am worthy, I have worth, so I am not selling myself cheap anymore.  I no longer feel I should just be grateful that anyone likes me.

I am interesting, I am funny, I am kind, I am smart, I am affectionate, I am honest...gee whiz, I'm a really nice person.  This is who I found in Italy!  I feel so lucky.

As I look at my life, I see it is time to move in another direction.  I am no longer tied up with past regrets, depressions, anger, and grief.  I am ready to begin again.  I don't want to spend time with energy (people) who only want to stand still and be pissed and talk a lot about how things are not going their way.  It is perfectly fine that that is what they want to do.  I don't.

I am ready to fly, ready to push off, ready to sing.

I am reading a wonderful book that I ordered while I was in Umbertide, Italy after seeing so many goddess figurines and feeling more connected to being a woman.  It is called 'The Great Cosmic Mother' by Barbara Mor. The other book I ordered discusses the history of the goddess and shows found objects from ancient history, that one is called 'The Myth of the Goddess:Evolution of an Image" by Jules Cashford.

This trip really fired me up about the goddess.  I knew a lot from my many years of mythology study, but this is more personal.  It is as though I am finding out a whole new history, about where I come from.  There is more to the goddess than worshiped deities, it is the honor of being a woman, the strength, the beauty of my gender.  I have never felt that before.  I have always felt 'less than' somehow.

In Italy I found that I had shame and embarrassment about being a woman. I was never aware of that before.  I am starting to feel comfortable about being me.  No apologies, no shame, no trying to be more  like a man to earn respect.  Why should I try to be anything other than what I am?

Today was a tough day...
and a liberating day.  I continue to learn, I continue to show up.

Now back to reading and underlining, oh I am in heaven.  

simmering thoughts

I am home.
My sleep patterns are still foreign, but I am moving closer to EST.

I downloaded over 1200 photos tonight.  Looking back at them, it was like watching a recap of a favorite movie.  The buildings, the food, the wearing of a new scarf, the steps, the train, the goddess sculptures, the landscapes, and the changing me.

I can see the softness come over my expressions over the first 2 weeks.  I see the smile pop up late in week 3.  I see the confidence and playful smirks in week 4.

It is after 2am and I am sitting on the couch wondering how I did it.  Did I really travel to Italy for a month?  I did.

I am tickled with what I have accomplished.  I have come home with more than a ton of photos and pretty Italian towels.  I came home full; Full of life,  full of beauty, full of respect for myself.

I do not know where the courage to take this trip came from. I spent months not letting myself think about it.  One statement echoed through my mind all the time, "I'm going to Italy".

I cry thinking about what I did.  I left my 2 sons, I left my home, I left all I knew because I had to break free.

I went far away to be able to get close to myself again, close to the tides of life, close to my heart which I couldn't hear anymore.

I had no agenda set for this trip, other than to show up.  There were times when I crashed and anxiety washed over me, there were times I didn't know what the hell I was doing there.  But I stayed, I showed up, I took one tiny step at a time, I took a breath, and walked over the known edge.  I fell, but there was no crash landing.  Instead I moved down, deeper into an abyss of sorts.  It was where I needed to go.  The landing was a soft one, but it was dark and I had to trust my instincts as my senses were of no use.

I wandered.  I told myself I could breath.  I reminded myself that in the moment, I was fine.

People talk about finding themselves, I don't know what most people do, but for me being in a strange land where hardly anyone spoke my language, living from my center, I heard myself.  I experienced myself.  I heard things that aren't true or things that I no longer believe.  I let them go.

I got lighter and lighter.  I cast them off as you would pull off a sweater or a pair of itchy socks.

Soon I was out of the tunnel and there was light.  My senses were of use again.

I walked up and down and I looked, just looked.  I beheld the beauty of life, even in its ugliness.

I have felt led from the beginning.  Maybe not led, but embraced.  I learned to be still and then go with the wind-like gentle energy without thinking it over.  I moved with it.  It felt comfortable, cozy and real.

I am heading back into this world tomorrow.  I am meeting a friend for lunch.  The changes and experiences I had go with me.  I am not going to announce all that happened, nor am I going to act like my old self.  I will be me, I stay open so I can feel the breezes, which move me.

It still feels surreal to me, even sitting here tonight does.

Am I back?  Yes and no.  I am here, but I left many things in Italy, across the ocean.  Things that no longer serve me or any healthy purpose.  I left my strict, cruel judge who was always telling me how fat and ugly I was.  I left behind the need to appreciated and liked by other people.  I left behind the sense of not belonging, of being a misfit.

When I left for Italy, I was a mother, first and foremost.  Now I am a human being, first and foremost.
I have been deeply moved by the hundreds of statues of women I saw, angels, goddesses, cherubs, etc.
I am part of a powerful and honored gender and I will no longer apologize for being a woman.  I also refuse to accept any blame for sin or for what men do.

What I found that was so special in me, I know exists in everyone.  I need to remind myself of that, especially when I am impatient.

We are all capable of incredible growth. Some of us get to do it and write about it.

I am home.  I am in known territory.  This is the beginning of something wonderful, something new, and I am prepared for the journey.