a waiting game

The purge-mode I have been in for weeks is now complete.  The last of the bins have been organized.  For some reason the photos, papers, the boys' childhood artwork, the baby clothes and blankets were the last to be gone through.

For 2 weeks I lived with a mass of bins (about 10) in the sunroom.  I ignored them to the best of ability each evening as I sat on my loveseat, less than 3 feet away from the mess.

No matter how much I wanted to tidy that area up, I couldn't.  The thought of it brought me to my knees.  It was this work that I found challenging.  What to keep, what to let go.

Thankfully, the day came when it didn't seem like a huge task.  It was simple, put all the photos in one bin, put the artwork and baby stuff in another.  I rapidly went through each photo and artwork.  I kept most of it, but there was a pile of stuff for the recycle center.

I burned 12 notebooks of journals.  I put them into the woodstove.  Good-bye.

I am not afraid to say good-bye to my past.  I have been a person who continues to grow and change, hence, I do not have any long time friends.  Some people stay the same, pretty much, not me.  I see a photo of me from 5 years ago and I don't know who the hell I was.

I've had a long way to come, it's been a very long road and yet, there is more.  I am a seeker, someone who is always searching for meanings.  I don't know if this is good or bad, but it is true.  I think of that line in the movie "Lord of the Rings"  when Galadriel says to Frodo "You ARE a ring-bearer."
I know I am a seeker/searcher.

So this purge cycle that has pushed me, pulled me for the past month is over.  I have known the whole time that I was preparing for something.  I needed to get my house in order.  The thought of "I am moving" has come up time and time again.

I do not know why I am doing these things, but I know they must be done.  I have accomplished it.

Before I left for Italy the mantra of "I'm going" was so strong.  No matter what, I was going.  I went.
I learned.  I grew.  I laughed.  I cried.  I ran.  I stood in awe.  It was beyond description.

I am continuing to honor this 'force'  this energy.  I follow, not knowing the outcome.

I look around the house and see a job well done.  My mind says, "Now what?".  There is silence.

Now is the time to wait.  With the ground all prepared, the seeds plants, I wait.

It is hard to stop after all this galloping.  I am exhausted, but I felt alive.  I see that I am not as comfortable with the quiet portion of this...whatever this is, cycle?

Down time, letting things take root, time...but I want it NOW.  The answer is 'Not now'.  I don't like it.
No one cares what I like.

So I am changing gears, down shifting.  It feels uncomfortable.  I have faith though, I have experienced how things fall into place when we let them.  That is how I was able to spend a month in Italy.  I don't know what is next.  I do not know how much time it will take.  I don't even know what the hell is going on with me.  Still, I trust.

I am allowing all my hard work to rest, to settle.  I will allow myself naps, allow myself an unknowing stance, I will take care of myself and find gentle, tender ways to be with myself and others.

I will give myself time for quiet and time to compile my writings from Italy into a book.  This is a gift to myself, to work with my words and edit them into a book.  I LOVE to edit.  I realize I already have the book, the words are already written.  This is my winter project.  I am just beginning to feel excited about it, rather than scared or burdened.

I don't know what is in store for me but my house IS in order and I am ready to MOVE.  Patience is the name of the game now, patience and waiting for things to naturally unfold.  Breath deep, it's going to be okay.