tired of being strong

I sit here and wonder how anybody makes it alone.  The weight of responsibilities, the stress of financial budgets, the never-ending distractions and decisions of motherhood, I am exhausted.
I am only one person and a smart one, but my knees are buckling from the strain of holding it all together.

I can't believe this is my life.  I can't believe that I have no one to lean on, no one to be strong for 10 minutes while I fall apart.

Atlas, I understand your woes.

What do I do, drop everything?

 A woman in town called me because she wants to file for divorce and wanted help.  Her husband walked out of her and her 2 teenage boys in August.  I feel bad for her, it must hurt to have someone walk away. I also understand what he did, he left because he couldn't change it and he wanted out.

I want out too.   But how do I leave and still have any self-respect for myself?  How do I leave and tell my kids it's not about them?  How do I prove I love them...by leaving?

What is love?  Where are the boundaries?   How much of ourselves is enough?  Is there ever enough?

With all my buddhist philosophy, I ask myself "Where is the peace in all this?"   I don't know.
It feels chaotic in the house when the boys are talking, playing music, being kids.  What is MY problem?   I want quiet, I want solitude after a day of busyness and chores and phone calls, emails, food shopping, on and on.

What is wrong with me?  I have 2 wonderful children and all I can think of right now is to yell,
"Leave me alone".  

After 6 or 7pm I am burnt out.  I wish I had more to give, but I am depleted.

I know some people, but I don't know anyone as strong as me.  I don't know if strong is the right word, but someone who can be present, deal with the truth, juggle several things at once, intelligent...

I've been home from Italy for 6 weeks, my life has become more and more busy.  How do I get some control over the days?  It is as though my life were on automatic pilot.

I can keep living like this, but it takes such a personal toll.

I can't find a way NOT to live like this, and that crushes my soul.

I am not trapped, although I feel stuck.

What do I owe life, my children, my mother, myself?   I am tired of going it alone.  I am tired of not having an adult to be able to talk over things with, someone I respect and admire.

I don't want to carry all of this alone, yet there is no one to hand it off to either.

Like Atlas, I hold...and hold...and hold.   I withstand the pressure, by not cracking.  I wouldn't put this load on anyone else either, it is too much for one person.  So I stay.

The weight is bearing down and I can hear my bones sigh.   I don't know what to do.

It's a lonely life being strong, everyone assumes you're fine.  I refuse to be a victim to get sympathy.
Why don't we support the strong people rather than focus on the people doing so little?

The squeaky wheel gets the oil, eh?

I'll do what I can for as long as I can.  I can't walk out the door, but I wish I could.  That's what makes me so sad, knowing that if I could, I would.  There lies the rub.