a cold run

I met a friend for a morning run today.  He is also the hubby of a friend.  He runs 4 miles, I run 2.  This is the 2nd time we have met up at the high school track.  It does make it easier to run when someone else is on the track. 

I had emailed him that I had been sad for the last 2 days. I had trouble sleeping last night because I knew I had to get up early.  I don't have running pants, so I wore my shorts along with a wool hat, fleece-lined mittens, and big thick green fleece. My legs were red, but after a mile, I didn't feel the cold anymore.

I felt awkward because I wasn't feeling like myself much.  We walked a lap after he was done and then headed over to the local cafe for much needed coffee.

As we sat and talked, I felt embarrassed that I couldn't quite break free of this sadness fog that is following me around like a cloud old dirt (pigpen from the Peanuts).

We both read a lot of eastern philosophy and he said a few things that were helpful but in an unguarded moment I heard myself say,   "I hate myself for being who I am". 

This is what I have done most of my life, blamed me.  I blame me for being different than other people, for having needs, for my feelings, for my dreams....

It always seems so simple: "If I were DIFFERENT, than things would be better."  
Wow, that is quite a load to carry. 

I stayed married because I was sure I could change myself to fit the role that was needed.  I would tell myself how nice he was and that I was selfish or difficult or wrong.  

I've kept friendships afloat because I couldn't find a reason other than "it's my problem".

I even think it is my responsibility to morph into what will make people happy.  This often does not go along with what makes me happy, well it does, because I am trying to make them happy. But after they are happy, I am left with emptiness and bitterness. 

Perhaps other people have had better experiences, but for me, making others happy at my expense brings on depression and sadness.  I feel dead, stuck and lose my interest in life.
How can that be a good thing?

I do believe that we are separate beings AND we are one.  So why is it that trying hard to make other people feel good, doesn't feed me?  If I and the other are one, where the hell am I?

I wrote in my journal the other night about love and where do we draw the line on sacrificing who we are to that loved one.  I grew up with the idea that loving someone means giving them what they want, even if that isn't who you are or what you feel comfortable doing.  

Now would I want someone to love me like that? No. I would hate that actually.  

Do I know how to love?

At 47, I have a pretty good idea who I am.  I am not sure I have a relationship with any other adult that is based on both of us being genuinely ourselves.  The few friends I have, tend to have thick social personas, not that they don't show me the truth of themselves from time to time.  But I don't have a foundational relationship based on 2 real people.

I used to describe what I wanted in my next relationship as " Two-tree Love" meaning that each of us would be complete, our own roots and know what kind of tree we are, that on our own, we are whole.  I envisioned us being near each other, but not blocking the sun.  Being close, growing in the same soil yet growing in our rhythms.  The tree motif is a strong one with me.  

I wrote the other day, "I am a real tree now" that is how I have felt since my return from Italy.  I know what kind of tree I am.  The difficulty I am having, is that I also see that I am very different from those I know.

This is the sadness I feel.  To be myself, to be the tree that I am, means standing alone. (for now anyway)

How far do we bend to fit in with others?  How far to cover up our leaves, so others won't notice ours are a different shape and color?

It's not that I am so unique or special, but the things that concern me, my views, the way I process life, my intellect,  dreams, honesty, vulnerability...I can't find them out there.  So I assume something is wrong with me.   I call out and hear no echo.  There are no takers, or responders. There are people who talk a good game, but their life does not reflect what they say.

In another moment of unguarded honesty this morning I said "I don't admire any of my friends"  OUCH, that was not my best moment today.  But what I meant is that I don't know anyone who is risking themselves in order to be true to themselves. I know people who are caught in jobs they don't like, stay in sexless marriages, grab easy codependent relationships, have lots of low self-esteem, people wanting to break free but who don't.

It's not that I don't admire people, but I don't have an example of someone I personally know who is breaking free of old roles, old armor, old beliefs.  Everyone I know is doing what I used to do.

I don't know what I am doing these days.  I'm almost done with the organizing, just 4 bins of old photos and such.  I sent out my resume and cover letter to Dartmouth for a full time job. I am taking care of myself with the medical stuff.  I am cutting my last legal ties with my ex-spouse about the house.

I don't know how all this plays out.  I do know I need to do it all.  Fear continues to whip around my ears when I stop to rest.  Are all these changes for the best?  Am I just swimming against the tide?  Am I a mess and not aware?

I don't know.  I listen to that invisible, quiet force and go where it pulls/tugs at me.
I am petrified.  I go anyway.  I can't envision a future for myself.  I move forward.
I am fool or I am fortunate.  Maybe a bit of both.