halloween blues

It has been one tough day. Yesterday wasn't much better.

First, I have been pushing myself hard for almost 2 weeks now. That is my fault/responsibility.

This drive to get things done, to get this house simplified, has also added a lot of stress.

I went for a mile run yesterday at 5pm, even though I had already eaten an early supper.  I normally do not run on a full stomach.  I need to clear my head, so off I went.  I didn't do more than a mile because my body was hurting all day long.

I knew something was brewing then, but ignored it, like any normal person would.

Today started off okay, woke up with a list of things to do again.  A friend I have not seen in a few months called and we decided to meet for coffee at a local cafe.

We met, we chatted, we parted.  By the time I got home, I was useless.  If you've ever been depressed or have seen someone depressed, that's what I looked like.  I had no energy, I was stuck, I felt dead on some level.

What the hell was in that coffee?

No, it was me getting hooked once again into believing thoughts that are not true.  Here are some of them:
 (it took me all day to find them and in the meantime, I was absolutely miserable)
"I don't fit in with anyone anymore"
"What's wrong with me"
"Nobody gives a shit about me"
"I need to squeeze myself back into who I used to be"
"I can't be myself"

I cried this afternoon when my 17 yr old son asked me why I seemed quiet and sad.  I felt as though I were in mourning.  I have lost both my sisters in the past 11 years, so I know grief.

Maybe I was mourning who I used to be or the friendships I used to be a part of...I don't know.

I was sad and I felt as though I shut myself down sometime during that hour-long conversation this morning.  She was fine, but I couldn't find a hook, a place to connect with her.  I was ashamed of myself.  Why?  I was brought up to feel ashamed, is my first reaction.  My second is, I am hardwired to self-destruct in situations such as these, where I feel different that other people.

I also take far too much upon myself.  When I sense someone is uncomfortable, I automatically go into "memory foam" mode.  I make sure the other person feels comforted, cozy, and I warp myself into their shape to make sure they are not threatened or slightly bothered by who I am.

I spent this evening writing down things like:
"What happened to me, I was so happy this month"
"Where is that peace I've been feeling since my return?"
"Why am I so miserable?'
"I am not responsible for other people's feelings"
"How do I find peace in my life, as is?"

I have been spreading myself too thin and pushing through pain rather than resting.  Resting scares me. This is new for me.

I am also having an MRI done Friday to see what is happening to my spine.  Xrays showed bone spurs growing on my lumbar discs and the pain is moderate to semi-high.

I have learned in the past 18 months to live with pain, but there is a point where it pops through and there is no way to ignore it.  I don't want pain and illness to take over my life.  I want to act healthy for as long as I can.

I know how bad things are but what is the point of talking about it all the time?

I did tell my boys yesterday afternoon I was in pain and needed to rest.  I speak up every few days when it gets bad.

It's hard living with pain, but I do it.

Tonight when I went into my bedroom and closed the door because I was so upset, I wrote to myself: "I am doing all I can. I am giving all I've got.  People expect more from me?  When do I get a reprieve? When do I get credit for handling this so well?  When do I get an A+ for doing so much?"

The answer is, never.  We live our lives. No one is keeping score.  People who are not doing all they can don't get warning tickets and people who excel don't get a star sticker.  It is very childish of me to think otherwise.

I can't even remember what it feels like to NOT be in pain.  All my joints are aching and my neck is tight tight tight.

STRESS.  That is what I am producing.  It is not a healthy thing for me.  How do I get things done and still maintain a sense of inner peace?

My return from Italy is getting harder as I sink back into my life.  I feel I am a square peg surrounded by round holes that I can't fit into.  I am alone with no place to go and I feel embarrassed.  Everyone is looking at me wondering "Why don't you fit into the round hole, we do, what's up with you?"

I know I don't fit.  There is a small amount of envy for those who do fit, yet, I don't want to be in the round hole.  I want to be in the square hole.  I can't find a square hole.  I have no place to hid.  I feel vulnerable and exposed.  I feel ashamed of who I am.

I am trusting that this is phase.  Maybe soon I will walk off the round hole peg board and find other peg boards more suited to me.  Maybe not.  The truth is I am a square person living in a round world.  I thought I was round, my friends are round.  In Italy, I uncovered my squareness.  I love it but it is uncomfortable right now as I don't know what to do, where to turn, or how to stand.  People are looking.  I will not put on a round costume, Halloween or not.   It is time to embrace who I am, no matter the difficulty.  It is, after all, the truth.