Here comes SANDY

The wind is picking up and my wind chimes are making beautiful sounds. The worst of the storm will be overnight. Most of us Vermonters are ready for loss of electricity.  Bummer for many, as we have our own wells.  Losing the ability to flush, is harder than you might imagine.

I have been continuing the house purge.  I have been through every room, closet and drawer.  The basement is cleaned out and what little is down there, BBQ, skis, a bike, stack of tires is organized.

The addition was finished today. That was a big load of my mind.  Every day I have completed 8-12 things. I am working 6-8 hours a day. My boys are helping me as I go. I don't know what this is all about, but it is strong and big. (like Sandy)

My month in Italy prepared me to listen to the inner forces that guide us, IF we can listen.  I wish I could explain how it goes, but it is so beyond words.  I could say magical, but that isn't it either.

I only know that it is a vital energy, a living energy and it is part of me, yet not me at all. Paradox, I love it.

The past 2 weeks have been similar to a nesting instinct, the push to get things done late in your 9th month of pregnancy.  Or like the urge to push when giving birth, it overtakes you...you can't NOT do it.  I suppose this is what they mean by the tao, the way.  If you can syncopate yourself to this nature, its golden.

I still have my stressful moments, especially with two adolescents, but there is always this sense of grounding, of knowing it really is okay, no need to panic.

Remember the childhood song "Row row your boat"?

I am thinking now of the last line "Life is but a dream".  I don't mean that it isn't real, I mean that it is a dream, enjoy it and don't take it so seriously.  The time we have, now, is such a gift.  What we have been looking for, talking to therapists about, complaining to our friends because we don't have...WE  HAVE, we are IT, we are part of it all.

Now I sound new age-y, or drunk or high or like I have a new boyfriend.  NOPE, it's me sober and sitting on my couch listening the the rain and wind.  I have not lost my senses, I have come to my senses. (from 1939 movie "Scrooge")

I am leaving. I know this.  How, what , why ,when?  No clue, none.   I will take it a moment at a time, just like I did in Italy.  Italy taught me or gave me the space to learn to live.  I met myself and we are friends.

Everything has changed, nothing has changed.   I don't mind feeling alone in this because I know I am not alone.  We are all struggling in some way.  I am leanring to struggle less and when I do, there is grace, peace and I smile.  I giggle to myself more.  It's like I know the inside joke.

So along I go, cleaning, organizing, donating, recycling, throwing away.  Again and again and again.
In a few more days, things will be in their place. (temporarily, as change is constant)  I suppose the next step (leap of faith) that I need to take will come to me.  Experience shows me it will.  My heart knows this is just the beginning of a long long journey.  But going home?  I am home, wherever I am.