autumn in VT

I got home after midnight, early Wednesday morning.  My boys told me they hardly recognized me. I lost a few pounds I guess.  They loved the haircut too.

It was odd coming home, as the bus drove through towns that I knew, I couldn't place the towns.
It was as though I was still in Italy, my mind couldn't see what was really there.  Perhaps this is what they mean by jet lag?  I thought it just meant being tired.

I came home on a dark rainy night but when I walked into the house all I thought of was how big it is. (and my american standards, it is a small house, 2B and 1b)

I went through my luggage to give my boys there gifts.

I was a bit wired.

I finally go to bed after 2am and I wake up around 5am and I don't know where the hell I am.  I stare out my bedroom window and I am thinking I am in a museum in Rome somewhere.  I've never taken LSD or anything, but it was a very strange thing.

My first day back and I have a dr appt at 2pm.  My boys have work.  I don't want to go into the village to get mail becasue I am not ready to see anyone yet.  I am not ready for the questions about my vacation. It wasn't a vacation. It was a...spiritual journey? No, that sounds to formal.

It was a sabbatical, I think that says it, although not really.

I don't know how to deal with it with other people.  I am not about to tell them the deeper meaning of it, but I don't want to phony or fake about it either.  I'll just take it as it comes.

I went to bed around 9pm and woke up at 11pm and called out for someone.  I was very disoriented. My oldest son came in and took my hand and told me I was home in VT in my bedroom, everything was okay.  It took a few minutes, but the anxiety of being 'nowhere' subsided.  I told him I didn't mean to scare him but I wasn't sure where I was, nothing looked familiar. He said he was fine.

I fell back to sleep and woke up at 6:30, feeling for the first time, I knew where I was.  The morning glories out on the deck, outside my bay window are still blooming, despite the cold wet weather. It was a lovely way to start my 'first' day back.

I guess I do look different.  I think walking so much for a month toned me up and I did lose 5 pounds, despite all the pork, cheese and gelato.

Nice.

I am home and yet I am not.  The woman who left here on August 31st, I am not her anymore.  She is a part of me, but there is a more mature, more silly, less self-conscious, more aware woman now.

I feel completed in some way.  My journey there and back again,  is beyond description.

Oh and the way I lived in Italy, following the muse, following life energies in the moment...I wasn't sure I would be able to do it at home too.

I can.

When I left the house yesterday to go to the hospital, there were 2 white-tailed deer very close to the house.  I have lived here for more than 10 years and I have never seen deer come so close to the house. They looked up at me, and then put their graceful heads back down to eat clover.

I went into the house and got my handy dandy camera and took a photo and filmed them.  As I closed the front door to leave, they took off.

That was a sign to me that that spontaneous life, they way of being open to life, letting it lead me to the next thing is still alive.  I didn't lose it on reentry.

I feel so blessed, so lucky.

Also, it is peak in VT.  The colors of the leaves 'pop' for a day or two every year. Unless you live here, you wouldn't notice.  There is a tree on the corner of the property that looks like it is on fire, deep orange.  Fabulous!

Classic autumn day again today.

How lucky can one person get?  Pretty damn lucky.