Three weeks home and...

I am realizing that there is no going back to how life was before the Italy trip.

I am not sure what or how it happened, but something significant has changed.  Did I learn something, or let go of something...did I wake up, there is no way of figuring it out.

I find that when I am with people I know, I am detached.  Not in a putting-off kind of way, but that I see and sense the situation differently.  I don't know how the hell I used to do it, going along with behavior that is so obviously rude or thoughtless.  I must of been paralyzed or something NOT to have reacted in the past.

I have something now that I didn't have then, a home...a home within myself.  I feel it so strongly, this sense of I, but not an egotistical sense.  It's more of a comfort and it has nothing to do with anyone else.
I just know that I am okay and safe and a good person.

I ran into a friend who I have known for 8 years the other day.  I don't see her much anymore, but we were in a very small homeschooling group together and were close for a few years.

I heard that her dog died so I sent her a card and my boys and I signed it, I added a little note telling her we would miss Archie.

When I saw her at a social function we chatted for a bit.  After she talked for a while, she asked what I had been up to lately.  I told her I got back from Italy 2 weeks ago.  She said "Oh yeah, I forgot about that"  and then started talking about her home life.  I went along with the flow of the conversation, but there was this quick cold feeling of "wow" that ran through me. (Nor did she mention anything about my 50 lb weight loss since June.)

I see that most of the friends I have NEED me to be who I used to be, so they can feel good about themselves. That was who I was, the person who made other people feel better, whether it was because I listened or because I was overweight or because I live paycheck to paycheck, or because I am single.

What an eye-opener it has been to me how poorly I treated myself.  I honestly didn't believe I was worth much to put up with such treatment.

Another very close friend didn't even ask to see any photos of Italy, that hurt.

I have hardly even TALKED about Italy, nevertheless showed photos.

Why am I editing myself?  Why am I making my life SMALL again?

I don't want to be part of relationships like this anymore.  There is a part of me that says" Who do you think YOU are??!!"

I am who I am and I am not being selfish nor mean when I say these things.

I am mostly shocked about how much I didn't see before.  I was scared maybe, scared to have no one like me.  But I don't want to be liked for playing the part of a loser so another person can feel like a winner.

I don't want to be the winner or the loser, I want to be me.  How can I find people who just want to be themselves?  I have no idea.

There are other changes, I realize I don't want to go back to being the CARETAKER of the house. I don't want to spend another day reminding my children what to do for the 5th time or cleaning up after them or having to clean and organize the addition AGAIN after doing it 4 months ago.

This is not MY life that I am taking care of, it is THING, STUFF, crappola.  I do not want to use my energy and time to take care of things that are NOT even mine.

I look in the mirror and I am not sure who is looking back, where is all this strength coming from?  Will it disappear?

I went for a run today, it has been 2 weeks.  The chiro doc told me not to run until my hip is better.
I was very upset after trying to clean up the garage and sort out junk, so I went for a run with my new minimizer sneakers.  I ran at the high school track, 4 laps, a mile and it felt wonderful and FREE.

The hip is doing okay.  I didn't do another half mile which is my usual distance, I didn't want to push. I took care of myself.

All this wonderful stuff that has been happening to me, it seems only 2 of my friends are not bent out of shape about it, plus my kids they have been supportive about Italy and my seeing the Dalai Lama.

Oh, yes, about HIM.  I was in the 5th row but off to the far right of the stage. he spoke for about 45 minutes and the best part was his laugh.  It was delightful and beautiful and it filled me with joy.  He is a truly kind being, simple as that.

I bought myself prayer beads from the monks who were chanting and they also made a sand mandala.  I bought a big set of prayer flags and tied them to the trees at the end of my long driveway.  I love them there, they are bright and pretty.

I major theme came to me today after I realized how much pressure is on my to take care of this house, the boys, my medical care, etc.  in a moment without even knowing what I was going to say, I asked my ex-husband to buy me out of the house.  I wanted OUT.

I am not even asking for half the value, just enough to buy a decent used car and pay for an apt for 6 months while I find a job.  Something came over me and that is what I told him.  I heard how firm and clear my voice sounded "I want out, you can have it all.  I don't want to do this anymore".

Again it wasn't about winning and losing, it was about what is true.  It isn't about THINGS, it is about life and love and dignity and truth.

I have been petrified of the truth for a LONG LONG time.  I am not anymore.  I am sorry that I am not the person people hoped I would be, damn, I'm sorry I am not the person I dreamed I would be...but I am NOT sorry about who I am.  I am a very decent person.  I care.  I am an avid student who is always learning.

I can't be the person who the people I care about, want or need me to be.  What is the shame in that?
The truth is I was never that person anyway, I was just TRYING hard all the time to be an image.

Is it so wrong to try to make a life for myself where I am nourished?  I don't think so.  I am not scared of the turth anymore.  I am not scared or hiding who I am anymore.  I am also no longer afraid to look at other people and see who they are.

There was a time, not so long ago where all of that would have been too much, what would I do if I lost everyone, if they left me.   Now I know that I will be okay, with or without them.  I will be okay because I am okay.  I don't have to fix them or talk to them about what they can do to get better, I can just walk my own path, take my own advice and let them live THEIR life the way they want.

A peaceful walking away.  May they know peace, may they know happiness, may they know love.  I wish the same for myself.