motherhood

Being away for a month allowed me the gift of not having to take care of anyone.  I never knew how much energy and time I put into other people, especially my children.

There is a saying "You don't know how wet you are, until you get out of the water,"  and I must admit it was nice being dry for a while.

There are many paths to take in parenting, I took the road less traveled.  Yes, it has made all the difference, but it is also a much steeper road and it demands quite a toll.

I will admit that I am an excellent parent.  I will also admit that it is extremely difficult and exhausting.

I don't care to do anything half-ass,  but for things that mean a lot to me, I know no bounds.  I'm in it, heart, soul, feet, and breath.   Might be good, might be bad, but that's me.

Today was a hearty reminder of how much input mothering costs me and I am not always happy to pay.

Where is the line from what I need to do for me and the needs of two adolescent sons?  If you think you know the answer,  you've never raised children.

I know we are all separate beings, I also know we are one.  In raising my children, I am raising myself.  What I do to them, I do to myself.   I have not been blessed with an abundance of patience, so there are many times I am full of fury and don't know what to do with the emotion.

Sometimes things look so clear to me and I am quick, very quick, to point out my children's errors and faults.

Today I did something new and it presented itself quietly.  I sat, stayed calm, and gave my son the space, time and room, to be.  I stayed in the room without anger or frustration.  I refused to get all in a jumble and react.

 Like I did in Italy, I followed an almost in-perceivable sensation and it turned out beautifully.

Staying in the moment, in the truth of whatever IS, knowing what was happening was not about me, yet was about me....it was about my son, yet it wasn't...that the human drama of feeling unsure, scared, and lost in thoughts of "what should be"  when all there really is is what is.
( This is not easy to put into words.)

In the end,  there was no drama, no fault, no one disappointing anyone; There was a hot wood stove crackling, 2 cats sleeping on the floor, and 2 people sitting on a couch.    It was simple, it was easy, it was the truth.