everyone else seems...

the same, unhappy.

I was looking forward to today as there was a big fall festival gathering at a nearby organic farm and many of my friends would be there.

The first thing I noticed was that I had changed.  I was more myself, more of a 3D person less of a "what should I be, how should I act"  2D person.  I didn't make a big fuss about what to wear nor did I imagine any scenarios in my head. I just showed up, like I did in Italy.

I feel this sense of strength, not physical, rather soulful.  It felt as though I filled out my space, I didn't have to make myself small and I didn't have any self-conscious thoughts.  I felt good, I didn't need to look in the mirror or at a reflection in a car window.  I know who I am.

I was excited to see several people, but it was quite disappointing.  Instead of a genuine "How was Italy!?" question, there was a kind of "Hey you're back, here what's been going on with me" thing.

Did going away for a month make some people feel bad?  Are some people so clueless as to think that it was a good idea to launch into negative soap opera-style news today?

I was really taken back to how my life used to be, being the good listening friend and accepting the emotional dumping of others.   It felt yukky, it was heavy, it was a downer and none of it was mine.  Why add this to my life?  These people did fine while I was away.  I am not going back to that behavior, I have grown up, I don't need to caretake or mother people anymore.  Nope.

The few people who were genuinely happy for me, were not who I expected but I am very grateful to them.

Four of my friends play in band and I danced today, which felt good.  I danced as much as I could. I need it, my body needed it. I did that for me, that was what I needed to do and I did it.  This felt similar to who I was in Italy, following the muses rather than logic or fears or negative thoughts about who I am/what I look like.

On the drive home I was sad and disappointed.  So this is the life I had before? I asked myself.
It came as a shock on some level.  I think I have known all this for a while, but I didn't want to know.
I always hope for the best and/or make excuses for people.  But today I just showed up and saw 'what is' and it was ugly at times.

I didn't feel any anger toward anyone, at one point I started smiling and giggling to myself because it was so clear.  It was as though there were a private joke being told and only I could hear it.

I had some photos and postcards in the car that I was going to bring out and show people, but I didn't.
I didn't want such a beautiful experience as my month in Italy to be spoiled by people shuffling through them.  I treasure what happened to me and the beautiful things I saw in Italy, best to keep them private for now.

I have a dear older friend that I am seeing later in the week, I will show her the photos.

I am not going to put myself out there again to be treated poorly.  I am not going to assume that it is better to have friends, no matter what they do, than to be alone.

I was alone for most of the month in Italy and I treated myself with respect and honestly.  I don't want to change that now.

I used to have this thought that I was lucky that anyone liked me.  Now, I know that I am worthy, I have worth, so I am not selling myself cheap anymore.  I no longer feel I should just be grateful that anyone likes me.

I am interesting, I am funny, I am kind, I am smart, I am affectionate, I am honest...gee whiz, I'm a really nice person.  This is who I found in Italy!  I feel so lucky.

As I look at my life, I see it is time to move in another direction.  I am no longer tied up with past regrets, depressions, anger, and grief.  I am ready to begin again.  I don't want to spend time with energy (people) who only want to stand still and be pissed and talk a lot about how things are not going their way.  It is perfectly fine that that is what they want to do.  I don't.

I am ready to fly, ready to push off, ready to sing.

I am reading a wonderful book that I ordered while I was in Umbertide, Italy after seeing so many goddess figurines and feeling more connected to being a woman.  It is called 'The Great Cosmic Mother' by Barbara Mor. The other book I ordered discusses the history of the goddess and shows found objects from ancient history, that one is called 'The Myth of the Goddess:Evolution of an Image" by Jules Cashford.

This trip really fired me up about the goddess.  I knew a lot from my many years of mythology study, but this is more personal.  It is as though I am finding out a whole new history, about where I come from.  There is more to the goddess than worshiped deities, it is the honor of being a woman, the strength, the beauty of my gender.  I have never felt that before.  I have always felt 'less than' somehow.

In Italy I found that I had shame and embarrassment about being a woman. I was never aware of that before.  I am starting to feel comfortable about being me.  No apologies, no shame, no trying to be more  like a man to earn respect.  Why should I try to be anything other than what I am?

Today was a tough day...
and a liberating day.  I continue to learn, I continue to show up.

Now back to reading and underlining, oh I am in heaven.