First Snow

I woke up to a white world this morning.  Outside my bay window,  a rainbow hot air balloon wind sock was spinning round and round.  I felt as though I were in Oz.

I have walked through some deep fears in the past 2 weeks.

I feel relaxed and alive these days.  It is in taking these risks, these leaps of faith, that gives me a sense of life.

I sometimes feel that I have uncovered some magical sphere, this wondrous place where there is peace and a child-like innocence.

For someone who likes to use words, I find myself unable to express this 'new life' experience.

There are times when thoughts rage through my mind:
"Who are you to be happy?"
"How dare you!"

I listen to these with amazement.  Who is talking?  Where is this coming from?

I have been working on myself for a very long time.  I have been dedicated to untying the many knots that I've been grappling with, the knots that keep me a prisoner to the past, to suffering.

Who am I to dare freedom?
I've been working toward freedom since I was 16.

In the beginning I thought freedom meant death.  I believed that the only way out, was to kill myself.  I was convinced that I was 'broken' and that everyone else was fine.  I saw myself as a negative burden on the people I loved.  I thought love meant not being, releasing them from me.

For 30 years I have crept along, therapy, reading, college, body movement therapy, knowing on some unexplainable level that there was a place for me to go. I have chased after so many things, always hoping to find happiness. It is only in the past 2 years that I have turned around and starting from my own center.

I was confused for most of my life:
I thought life meant finding someone to love me (rather than finding some I loved).
I thought life meant willing myself to be someone who others would like (rather than being myself).
I thought life meant fulfilling other people's dreams (rather than following my own).
I thought life meant denying who I was (rather than embracing who I am).

I believe that the peace I am experiencing now is well deserved.  I will not deny myself these joys.

It's been a very long journey.  It is more than okay for me to enjoy being home, finally, home.