fear

I felt it this morning, creeping slowly at first and then instantaneously, I was fear.

I remember this feeling in Italy, how some mornings it haunted me as I tried to plan my day.

"How are you going to figure out where to go on the train?"

"No one is going to understand you, what are you going to do?'

"Nobody likes you here, who are you going to turn to?'

These are the voices of fear I had in Italy and they are here again in Vermont,

About an hour ago I was leaving the bank and walking down Main Street and the fear pounded down.

"What are you doing?"

"You're going to lose everything."

"You should stop making any changes, stop moving forward, freeze."

"None of this is going to work out and you'll be left alone."

I continued to walk.  I continued doing my errands.

I did all the things that fear didn't want me to today:
-I got dressed and drove into town.
-I got the home equity agreement between me and my ex-spouse notarized.
-I put a down payment on a used car.

I am petrified. On some level, I have no idea what is going on.

On a deeper level, I know am doing what I need to do.

It was my month in Italy that allowed me to start trusting that deeper sense of truth.
It takes courage to follow it, as there is never a clear outcome.  It is the leap of faith without seeing a net.  It's a hard thing to do.  It doesn't get any easier.  But having done it so often in Italy and a few times since I have been home, I have experience that it works.

It's kind of like running.  You begin and never know how its going to go.  Sometimes your mind is racing like crazy and the run feels as though it's all uphill and your running in sand.  Other days, there is very little effort and life seems so beautiful and free.  (Some runs are a little bit of both.)

I am not going to argue with myself today, nor am I going to begin an inner war against myself.

I sense the fear.  I feel it.  I acknowledge it.  I am not disrespectful.

I see this fear:  I don't hate her.  She is a young child, shivering in the cold, unsure of where to go and who to trust.  She doesn't know what else to do but freeze up and not move.  She doesn't want to get caught off-guard.  She wants security. She wants a big grown up to reassure her everything is going to be okay.  She wants someone to protect her from the big confusing world.  She is in over her head.

I sympathize with her.  I am no longer a child, but I too wish for someone to put their arms around me, cuddle close and tell me "I love you and I won't let anything happen to you."

But all we have is each other.  So listen up fear, come closer little girl...
"I love you and I won't let anything happen to you.

It's going to be okay...we ARE okay, right now, as is.
Safe and sound.  Remember, we have each other."