gifts

I received some unexpected gifts yesterday.  They can't be wrapped, bought or ordered from Amazon.
A credit card will do you no good.  These types of gifts cannot be returned either, and not just because there is no receipt, it is because you can't not know what you know.  The old adage, 'Be careful what you wish for' applies here.

So what was the gift?
Truth.
a.k.a. clarity, realization, insight, wisdom, knowledge, a click or recognition.

All in all, a nice package but it came upon me unexpectedly.  I was sitting at a friend's house, our families were playing music in the other room, and over tea at the dining room table, click.  All those oddly-shaped pieces of the puzzle slipped into place in my mind's eye.  As clear as day, there is was.
I continued to sit there, sipping tea, acting as though nothing had happened.

I willed my attention to tune into what she was saying to me.  I leaned forward to further engage myself with what was going on.  My struggle to remain there got harder and harder as the evening wore on.

Within 2 hours, I needed to go home.  I was exhausted.  There were things, deep things, settling in and I was just a witness.

By 9pm I was on my loveseat, in my jammies, wondering what happened.  I couldn't focus.  I tried to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" but it ended up being more of a background thing.  I finally got up and went to bed.

This morning, like elves and the shoemaker, everything was in order.  Did I like it? No, not really, but I appreciated it.  I have been working/reaching toward truth for a very long time.  I am thankful and grateful for the gifts.

 I am not sure what I need to do now.  Not much, is the answer.

Just knowing the truth changes everything.  The rudder has shifted left, my course changed.  I don't have to grab the steering wheel.  I need to let things take their course.  I need to allow the ocean currents to be and let my ship move in the direction it needs to go.

I don't have to view this as leaving friends or another loss.  I don't have to wonder why I feel so different than other people and be upset about my life path.

These gifts are GIFTS.  A gift of who I am and what I need, where I need to go, what I need to do.  I don't have to focus on loss, change, or the people I need to see less, I can look forward into the unknown, knowing my course is set.

Traveling into the unknown, like I did for a month in Italy, is my path.
The more I think about it, the more exciting it becomes.

Is there loss? Sure.
Am I scared?  Yup.

Is this what I really wanted?  Yes, yes it is.

The best gifts are indeed free.