There be dragons here.

On old maps, in areas where they didn't know what was there, this line was used.
I first heard this term from my father a long time ago.

This is where I have been living for the past 3 days.

And indeed there are dragons, but I am not being pursued by them.  I find I am a dragon...
a big, clumsy dragon who is making a mess of it. I don't know my strength or power or how to wield myself.   I don't know what I am doing.

I am being myself and that has manifested into three surprisingly honest emails to three friends.

One of my friends has replied and we bumped into each other today at the local cafe.  All is well there.

I have reread an email I sent this afternoon to another friend and I CRINGE that I sent it.  It was raw, it was sacccinct, it comes across a big aggressive, even though I never saw it as such when I sent it.

It is not aggressive in a threatening way, it was more that I was sharing how I feel about something and the words are too strong, it's too sharp edged.  I regret that I didn't wait to send it. It needed some polishing.

The problem with writing rather than talking, is that the inflection is gone, the soft tones, the tears.

I sent it because I was afraid, I sent it because it took all the courage I had to say those things.

In a way, I was saying good bye to him.  But rather than say it directly, I sort of beat my chest about being true to myself.  Arggg...

It is done.  I could email again and say I hope he understands, but I don't want to bother him anymore.
I want to bow out and let it be.

I said the truth. I am almost 100% sure he didn't want to hear it.  But it was me saying what I've been bottling up for over a year because he made it clear he didn't want to hear it either.

I didn't want to see him again and ACT like it was okay.

Why was I staying silent?  Because I didn't want to lose his friendship.  What the hell kind of friendship   is that anyway?!

So I spoke up.

I said my truth.

I move on.

This is all part of what happened on my trip to Italy.  I changed.  Things shifted internally.  My spirit was set free again.

Since I have been back, I was first pushed to purge and organize all of my external things.

Now it seems I am being pushed to purge and organize many internal things.  This is much harder.

A part of me is watching in shock (horror?) that I dare to do it.  "Who are YOU to speak up??!!" it says.

"I am me" is the calm reply.

And so I am.

And so I go.

There indeed, be dragons here.