Moving along...

into sadness.   I have been sad since yesterday.  Something came up in an email from a friend that triggered something in me, I was very taken back with my reaction.

Once again I was faced with the truth and did not want to see it.

Why?

Because if I acknowledge the truth, I'll have to do something about it or at the very least, it will make things uncomfortable for me.

This theme of seeing clearly and not wanting to see what IS, goes back a LONG way.

While journaling the other day I realized that a lot of what I think about my friends (the VERY few I have left) is similar to members of my family.

I want someone to stop drinking, I want someone to love me, I want someone to stop being a door mat for their family, I want someone to break free from the marriage and stand up for themselves.

These are what I wanted from my sister, my father, my mother and my brother.  Perfect.

So my life has been an attempt to fix my past.  I believed that I COULD fix others, if I was very good, or smart, or caring or whatever.  I wanted to save the people I love, but they didn't want to be saved.

I also wrote that I am sad that none of my friends or family want what I want.  And I really want someone I love to want what I want!!  It's as though who I am and what matters to me isn't good enough until I can find someone to join in with me.  This is childish...and human.

I was reading a book about witches that a friend suggested, it isn't very good, more of a cotton candy kind of thing, but it reads quick and sometimes its fun to read for FUN.

There was a line in the book that jumped out at me.  The main character is a witch, but she doesn't use her powers, she wants to be like normal people.  A male character tells her "You are what you are, no matter what you do."

Hmm...how long have I been running away from who I am?  And at what cost?   I too want to be normal and if that meant not using my talents, intelligence, passions, well so be it then.

Of course, this does not work.

After reading that sentence, I was reminded of one of my favorite quotes, it is from the Gospel of Thomas:

Bring forth what is within you
What you bring forth will save you
So not bring forth what is within you
And what you do not bring forth will harm you

I am afraid to bring forth what is within me, because I don't know what it will mean.
Does it mean another friendship ends?  Does it mean I become more of a misfit in our society?
Does it mean I end up alone?

I can vividly remember as a young girl wanting to fit in with others.  I wanted to be like my best friend who had blue eyes and strawberry blonde hair.  I wanted to be anyone but ME.

Since my time in Italy, I have had a stronger pull to be me.  I hesitate though, because I sense it means change, big change.

I don't know if I can do it.  I don't know if I am strong enough to go it alone.

I took a walk on my property yesterday.  I walked to my favorite tree ('Two-tree' I call her/him, two trees that share a base) because I am able to talk freely, I feel a sense of mother goddess there.

I prayed for guidance, I prayed for a way to go.

I also prayed for cancer with 6 months to live so that I could have an end point of my life.  Life is overwhelming.  There is much beauty and I don't want to leave my sons, but I am also so TIRED.
SO tired...

I was quiet last night, fell asleep early, hiding from the world.  This morning I was an emotional zombie.  I finally decided to go for a run, even though it was 11am, late for me.

I ran through Newbury Village, my first time.  It was a great run.  After the first mile, I gained energy.  For the last 1/4 of a mile my body ran as fast as it ever has.  It was amazing, the strength in my body was pushing and it felt like I was flying.

There are so many things twirling within me and no one to share them with.  I ache for connection, but not just ANY connection.

I don't know whether I am going to make it or not.

I emailed my one close friend yesterday and lifted the glass ceiling.  (gulp)
I haven't heard back from her.

Courage Patty, courage.