The end of another year.
I will remember 2012 as the year I went to Italy, what an experience, it feels like a dream.
It was also the year that I came to better terms with my illness. The year I let go of core friendships. The year I followed my heart. The year I walked through fear doors. The year I started running.
It was a learning year. It was an exciting year.
I have no regrets.
I remember telling myself last year that by THIS New Year's Eve, I would have great plans.
Alas, I don't.
I do have a kitchen full of munchies and some good films on DVD. My children are going to First Night up north and will be home around 1am. They are skiing today.
When did my life move to stage left? I feel as though I am standing on the wings watching my children and others act out their lives on center stage.
I feel out-of-date.
I am a cassette player in a iphone world.
What I am, what I treasure, isn't hip, not that I was ever hip/cool. I don't think of myself as someone who tried to keep up with fashion or trends. But if I was, gee, this would be much harder.
I have no interest in the new things. I email, I am on FB so it is not as though I am living off the grid in deep woods. But I notice things passing me by. I notice not wanting to speed up. I don't want to run with the bulls. (meaning keeping up with the generation of today, I actually would go to Spain to run with those bulls!)
I still dream of dressing up, wearing a gown and spending the evening in a fancy hotel, dancing all night long. This is on my list of things to do before I die, or to do before I can't walk anymore. The Italy trip came true, so how hard can a night out be?
I would also love to have a group of good friends to spend the evening with, kidding around, laughing, relaxing and being ourselves.
If I had my choice I would choose the latter. I prayed aloud last night for friends, healthy friends...true friends. This would be the greatest gift of all.
Am I good friend?
Yes, I am a good friend. A friend to myself too, and that isn't as easy as it sounds. I hope that is where it begins, right here with me.
I am sitting in a local cafe. I am hear people talking about their plans for tonight. I am envious. I could make plans. I could go along with my kids, boring. I could call friends and invite myself over, but I don't want that life anymore. I am moving on, sad, true and necessary.
Ending friendships is similar to divorce, you talk yourself out of the truth for a very long time. If your lucky the day comes when you see that it doesn't work and there is nothing you can do to fix it. You finally accept that who you are does not fit in. You realize that you have been working so hard to fit in that you have lost yourself, you feel depleted because your giving giving giving, petrified you'll end up alone.
I am strong enough to end things, strong enough to walk away and handle the sorrows that sweep me off my feet. I am taking care of myself by not making myself fit in. I don't hate anyone. I am not angry at anyone. I love my friends. I continue to wish them happiness. I also wish myself happiness, well no, I wish myself peace.
I feel peace. I am at peace.
I am a good friend...a very dear friend.
May 2013 be another year of firsts, filled with compassion for all. Peace be upon us all.
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