changes

Physically I am working on getting rid of THINGS.  Sharing a house with others makes that difficult.  Also, I can't do as much as I used to.  My mind has me whipping through each room, but my back, tells me otherwise.

De-cluttering my life on a few levels: old thoughts/beliefs, old patterns, relationships.

I am letting things go and it is a mixed feeling of lightness and sadness.

My trip to Italy has changed everything for me.  My outlook about life is different, I find I am more passionate about life, JUST the fact of life, empty as it is.  I say thank you, all the time, for my experience of NOW.

Being home, I see the heaviness of my old life.  A lot of time is needed to maintain a house and THINGS.  I have boxed myself in and now I am opening doors.

I need so much less than I have and getting rid of things isn't as easy as you would think.
Where does this stuff go?  A landfill?  Do I really want to do a yard sale? (NO)

I have more humor these days, even about the tough things.

I have less email from people as I have stopped being a caretaker.  I was thinking this morning that the people I called friends, weren't even friends.  Again, no anger towards them, but I found it funny that I used to think that friends meant anyone who would 'put up with me'.  Amazing how little I thought of myself.

Somewhere in my life I learned to take scraps for gold.  I always felt I had to be VERY grateful to anyone who liked me, as though it was a great hardship being my friend.  In Italy I found out what a great friend I am and I am being a friend to myself.

I was so off-balance about relationships because I believed I had no worth, but everyone else did.  Everyone has worth, whether I can easily see it or not.

I am not sure how I lived before, it feels so foreign to me now.  I see a big difference in me, I am more alive, more present, more human.

Right now in my life, there is loss.  I gets short bursts of sadness but I have no desire to go back to who I used to be.  I am sure there are 'friends' who will miss the old me,  but maybe this will give them a chance to grow too?

"I am preparing to move."  I don't know what that means exactly, but that is the sense I have these past 2 days. The thought keeps sweeping through my consciousness. I need to prepare to move.  Whether that means a real physical move (to another state) or a symbolic moving, doesn't matter.

I learned in Italy to follow those inner urges and not to be analytical about it.  What I have been searching for, I have, I am.  The answers (no, the way to go) come from within.  I learned to listen, I learned to trust, I learned that courage is not stopping to argue with fear.

So I am moving.  Letting go of things, relationships, patterns, illusions, and the old idea of who I am.

I have a lot to do, but I am getting it done, one tiny step at a time.   I have no clue where I am going.  For now, I am here on a cold rainy VT day getting ready to go through my closet and drawers.  I will fill up bags so I can donate them tomorrow.

It's time to part with my past.