Ciao to 2012

The end of another year.

 I will remember 2012 as the year I went to Italy, what an experience, it feels like a dream.

It was also the year that I came to better terms with my illness.  The year I let go of core friendships.  The year I followed my heart.  The year I walked through fear doors.  The year I started running.

It was a learning year.  It was an exciting year.

 I have no regrets.

I remember telling myself last year that by THIS New Year's Eve, I would have great plans.

Alas, I don't.

I do have a kitchen full of munchies and some good films on DVD.  My children are going to First Night up north and will be home around 1am.  They are skiing today.

When did my life move to stage left?  I feel as though I am standing on the wings watching my children and others act out their lives on center stage.

I feel out-of-date.

 I am a cassette player in a iphone world.

What I am, what I treasure, isn't hip, not that I was ever hip/cool.  I don't think of myself as someone who tried to keep up with fashion or trends.  But if I was, gee, this would be much harder.

I have no interest in the new things.  I email, I am on FB so it is not as though I am living off the grid in deep woods.  But I notice things passing me by.  I notice not wanting to speed up.  I don't want to run with the bulls. (meaning keeping up with the generation of today, I actually would go to Spain to run with those bulls!)

I still dream of dressing up, wearing a gown and spending the evening in a fancy hotel, dancing all night long.  This is on my list of things to do before I die, or to do before I can't walk anymore.  The Italy trip came true, so how hard can a night out be?

I would also love to have a group of good friends to spend the evening with, kidding around, laughing, relaxing and being ourselves.

If I had my choice I would choose the latter.  I prayed aloud last night for friends, healthy friends...true friends.  This would be the greatest gift of all.

Am I good friend?

Yes, I am a good friend.  A friend to myself too, and that isn't as easy as it sounds.  I hope that is where it begins, right here with me.

I am sitting in a local cafe.  I am hear people talking about their plans for tonight.  I am envious.  I could make plans.  I could go along with my kids, boring.  I could call friends and invite myself over, but I don't want that life anymore.  I am moving on, sad, true and necessary.

Ending friendships is similar to divorce, you talk yourself out of the truth for a very long time.  If your lucky the day comes when you see that it doesn't work and there is nothing you can do to fix it.  You finally accept that who you are does not fit in.  You realize that you have been working so hard to fit in that you have lost yourself, you feel depleted because your giving giving giving, petrified you'll end up alone.

I am strong enough to end things, strong enough to walk away and handle the sorrows that sweep me off my feet.  I am taking care of myself by not making myself fit in.  I don't hate anyone.  I am not angry at anyone.  I love my friends.  I continue to wish them happiness.  I also wish myself happiness, well no, I wish myself peace.

I feel peace.  I am at peace.

 I am a good friend...a very dear friend.  

May 2013 be another year of firsts, filled with compassion for all.  Peace be upon us all.

sorrow

“grief is a house
where the chairs
have forgotten how to hold us
the mirrors how to reflect us
the walls how to contain us

grief is a house that disappears
each time someone knocks at the door
or rings the bell
a house that blows into the air
at the slightest gust
that buries itself deep in the ground
while everyone is sleeping

grief is a house where no on can protect you
where the younger sister
will grow older than the older one
where the doors
no longer let you in
or out” 
― Jandy Nelson, The Sky Is Everywhere


That last stanza hit me right in the gut.  I outlived my oldest sister.  She was 9 yrs older than me.  We were always best friends. She died in 2001 of cancer, a month before 9/11.  She was 45.  I am 47.

I have been in a place of deep sadness for 4 days now.  It has been difficult.  It's as though I have been untethered and thrown into a storm at sea.  The waves crashing around me. I can't see.  I have no balance, the waves rock the ground. There is no balance. There is no safe place to stand.  Sit. Scream.  There is nothing I can do but ride it out, no matter how sea sick I become.  The storm is beyond my control.

I have some idea of what this is about...grief, rage, fear.  The uncertainty of my illness, the physical pains, the friendships that are over, the children growing up, where do I look? What do I do? What's this all about?

I was reading about buddhism and suicide earlier today, just wondering what their take on it is, and they quoted a study that showed when people feel unconnected, when they feel cut off and alone, that can often cause intense suffering.  I am NOT suicidal, (truly) but I was wondering where that feeling of wanting to be done with life, was all about.

I am always seeking knowledge, always trying to figure things out.  It's my nature.

I do feel like a misfit.  I find myself very often not understanding other people, what they do, how they behave, what they say.  My life has been one of exploration, LOTS of it.  Therapy, reading, writing, I am driven to find all that is not me, and let it go.  I have had a long journey, there was a lot of work to do, a lot.  I've been willing.  I've shown up.  I've done (and continue) things that scare me.  I listen. I speak. I apologize. I stand firm.  I remain open.

I know I am not an average person (Are any of us? I don't know).  In the Meyers/Briggs test, I am an INFJ which is not common.  My ways of interacting with the world, how I take in information, etc.  I am on the edge.  I am hyper sensitive, picking up people's emotions far too easily.  I am extremely empathetic, so I have to be very careful. (I don't watch news, etc.)  I have a tough time filtering out other people's pain and frustrations.  On the good side, I also feel people's hope and love, so it's not a complete drag.

I don't know what triggered this, well, yes I do.  I finally saw why I needed to end a friendship and I finally saw that the mother I was, is now longer needed for my children.  This double loss has brought up past grief too: my sisters and my dear friend Marjorie who died 6 months ago.

I am tired of loss.  I am tired of people dying.  I am tired of walking away from unhealthy relationships.
I am tired of finding out there is something else to do.  Another fear door to walk through.

I made a list of all the friendships I have ended in the past 10 years. 19...yup, 19.  The sad/good news?  I have no regrets about any of them.  So I know that this is the right thing to do.  Some people have friends since 4th grade.  I meet people for a time and then it's over.  It seems to be beneficial to both and then I find it a 'wasteland" to use Joseph Campbell's terminology.

Doing the right thing is not the easiest thing.  I wonder why I couldn't be different?  Why do I have to be different?  Why do I have to think so much?  Why do I have such high standards?  Why do I assume every one wants to get better?  Why do I assume people want to know the truth?  Why don't I shut up and pretend?  Why do I want honesty, at all costs?

Oh how I wish there was a flying lion who could pick me up and deliver me to the land of misfit toys so I could meet other people like me.  I could help them by not judging their square train wheels and they could accept me for being me...for asking questions and opening my heart, talking about things.

But there is no flying lion king to save me. I am me and people are people.
But it's cold, oh so cold sometimes.

gifts

I received some unexpected gifts yesterday.  They can't be wrapped, bought or ordered from Amazon.
A credit card will do you no good.  These types of gifts cannot be returned either, and not just because there is no receipt, it is because you can't not know what you know.  The old adage, 'Be careful what you wish for' applies here.

So what was the gift?
Truth.
a.k.a. clarity, realization, insight, wisdom, knowledge, a click or recognition.

All in all, a nice package but it came upon me unexpectedly.  I was sitting at a friend's house, our families were playing music in the other room, and over tea at the dining room table, click.  All those oddly-shaped pieces of the puzzle slipped into place in my mind's eye.  As clear as day, there is was.
I continued to sit there, sipping tea, acting as though nothing had happened.

I willed my attention to tune into what she was saying to me.  I leaned forward to further engage myself with what was going on.  My struggle to remain there got harder and harder as the evening wore on.

Within 2 hours, I needed to go home.  I was exhausted.  There were things, deep things, settling in and I was just a witness.

By 9pm I was on my loveseat, in my jammies, wondering what happened.  I couldn't focus.  I tried to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" but it ended up being more of a background thing.  I finally got up and went to bed.

This morning, like elves and the shoemaker, everything was in order.  Did I like it? No, not really, but I appreciated it.  I have been working/reaching toward truth for a very long time.  I am thankful and grateful for the gifts.

 I am not sure what I need to do now.  Not much, is the answer.

Just knowing the truth changes everything.  The rudder has shifted left, my course changed.  I don't have to grab the steering wheel.  I need to let things take their course.  I need to allow the ocean currents to be and let my ship move in the direction it needs to go.

I don't have to view this as leaving friends or another loss.  I don't have to wonder why I feel so different than other people and be upset about my life path.

These gifts are GIFTS.  A gift of who I am and what I need, where I need to go, what I need to do.  I don't have to focus on loss, change, or the people I need to see less, I can look forward into the unknown, knowing my course is set.

Traveling into the unknown, like I did for a month in Italy, is my path.
The more I think about it, the more exciting it becomes.

Is there loss? Sure.
Am I scared?  Yup.

Is this what I really wanted?  Yes, yes it is.

The best gifts are indeed free.  

First Snow

I woke up to a white world this morning.  Outside my bay window,  a rainbow hot air balloon wind sock was spinning round and round.  I felt as though I were in Oz.

I have walked through some deep fears in the past 2 weeks.

I feel relaxed and alive these days.  It is in taking these risks, these leaps of faith, that gives me a sense of life.

I sometimes feel that I have uncovered some magical sphere, this wondrous place where there is peace and a child-like innocence.

For someone who likes to use words, I find myself unable to express this 'new life' experience.

There are times when thoughts rage through my mind:
"Who are you to be happy?"
"How dare you!"

I listen to these with amazement.  Who is talking?  Where is this coming from?

I have been working on myself for a very long time.  I have been dedicated to untying the many knots that I've been grappling with, the knots that keep me a prisoner to the past, to suffering.

Who am I to dare freedom?
I've been working toward freedom since I was 16.

In the beginning I thought freedom meant death.  I believed that the only way out, was to kill myself.  I was convinced that I was 'broken' and that everyone else was fine.  I saw myself as a negative burden on the people I loved.  I thought love meant not being, releasing them from me.

For 30 years I have crept along, therapy, reading, college, body movement therapy, knowing on some unexplainable level that there was a place for me to go. I have chased after so many things, always hoping to find happiness. It is only in the past 2 years that I have turned around and starting from my own center.

I was confused for most of my life:
I thought life meant finding someone to love me (rather than finding some I loved).
I thought life meant willing myself to be someone who others would like (rather than being myself).
I thought life meant fulfilling other people's dreams (rather than following my own).
I thought life meant denying who I was (rather than embracing who I am).

I believe that the peace I am experiencing now is well deserved.  I will not deny myself these joys.

It's been a very long journey.  It is more than okay for me to enjoy being home, finally, home.

 

fear

I felt it this morning, creeping slowly at first and then instantaneously, I was fear.

I remember this feeling in Italy, how some mornings it haunted me as I tried to plan my day.

"How are you going to figure out where to go on the train?"

"No one is going to understand you, what are you going to do?'

"Nobody likes you here, who are you going to turn to?'

These are the voices of fear I had in Italy and they are here again in Vermont,

About an hour ago I was leaving the bank and walking down Main Street and the fear pounded down.

"What are you doing?"

"You're going to lose everything."

"You should stop making any changes, stop moving forward, freeze."

"None of this is going to work out and you'll be left alone."

I continued to walk.  I continued doing my errands.

I did all the things that fear didn't want me to today:
-I got dressed and drove into town.
-I got the home equity agreement between me and my ex-spouse notarized.
-I put a down payment on a used car.

I am petrified. On some level, I have no idea what is going on.

On a deeper level, I know am doing what I need to do.

It was my month in Italy that allowed me to start trusting that deeper sense of truth.
It takes courage to follow it, as there is never a clear outcome.  It is the leap of faith without seeing a net.  It's a hard thing to do.  It doesn't get any easier.  But having done it so often in Italy and a few times since I have been home, I have experience that it works.

It's kind of like running.  You begin and never know how its going to go.  Sometimes your mind is racing like crazy and the run feels as though it's all uphill and your running in sand.  Other days, there is very little effort and life seems so beautiful and free.  (Some runs are a little bit of both.)

I am not going to argue with myself today, nor am I going to begin an inner war against myself.

I sense the fear.  I feel it.  I acknowledge it.  I am not disrespectful.

I see this fear:  I don't hate her.  She is a young child, shivering in the cold, unsure of where to go and who to trust.  She doesn't know what else to do but freeze up and not move.  She doesn't want to get caught off-guard.  She wants security. She wants a big grown up to reassure her everything is going to be okay.  She wants someone to protect her from the big confusing world.  She is in over her head.

I sympathize with her.  I am no longer a child, but I too wish for someone to put their arms around me, cuddle close and tell me "I love you and I won't let anything happen to you."

But all we have is each other.  So listen up fear, come closer little girl...
"I love you and I won't let anything happen to you.

It's going to be okay...we ARE okay, right now, as is.
Safe and sound.  Remember, we have each other."

There be dragons here.

On old maps, in areas where they didn't know what was there, this line was used.
I first heard this term from my father a long time ago.

This is where I have been living for the past 3 days.

And indeed there are dragons, but I am not being pursued by them.  I find I am a dragon...
a big, clumsy dragon who is making a mess of it. I don't know my strength or power or how to wield myself.   I don't know what I am doing.

I am being myself and that has manifested into three surprisingly honest emails to three friends.

One of my friends has replied and we bumped into each other today at the local cafe.  All is well there.

I have reread an email I sent this afternoon to another friend and I CRINGE that I sent it.  It was raw, it was sacccinct, it comes across a big aggressive, even though I never saw it as such when I sent it.

It is not aggressive in a threatening way, it was more that I was sharing how I feel about something and the words are too strong, it's too sharp edged.  I regret that I didn't wait to send it. It needed some polishing.

The problem with writing rather than talking, is that the inflection is gone, the soft tones, the tears.

I sent it because I was afraid, I sent it because it took all the courage I had to say those things.

In a way, I was saying good bye to him.  But rather than say it directly, I sort of beat my chest about being true to myself.  Arggg...

It is done.  I could email again and say I hope he understands, but I don't want to bother him anymore.
I want to bow out and let it be.

I said the truth. I am almost 100% sure he didn't want to hear it.  But it was me saying what I've been bottling up for over a year because he made it clear he didn't want to hear it either.

I didn't want to see him again and ACT like it was okay.

Why was I staying silent?  Because I didn't want to lose his friendship.  What the hell kind of friendship   is that anyway?!

So I spoke up.

I said my truth.

I move on.

This is all part of what happened on my trip to Italy.  I changed.  Things shifted internally.  My spirit was set free again.

Since I have been back, I was first pushed to purge and organize all of my external things.

Now it seems I am being pushed to purge and organize many internal things.  This is much harder.

A part of me is watching in shock (horror?) that I dare to do it.  "Who are YOU to speak up??!!" it says.

"I am me" is the calm reply.

And so I am.

And so I go.

There indeed, be dragons here.

Moving along...

into sadness.   I have been sad since yesterday.  Something came up in an email from a friend that triggered something in me, I was very taken back with my reaction.

Once again I was faced with the truth and did not want to see it.

Why?

Because if I acknowledge the truth, I'll have to do something about it or at the very least, it will make things uncomfortable for me.

This theme of seeing clearly and not wanting to see what IS, goes back a LONG way.

While journaling the other day I realized that a lot of what I think about my friends (the VERY few I have left) is similar to members of my family.

I want someone to stop drinking, I want someone to love me, I want someone to stop being a door mat for their family, I want someone to break free from the marriage and stand up for themselves.

These are what I wanted from my sister, my father, my mother and my brother.  Perfect.

So my life has been an attempt to fix my past.  I believed that I COULD fix others, if I was very good, or smart, or caring or whatever.  I wanted to save the people I love, but they didn't want to be saved.

I also wrote that I am sad that none of my friends or family want what I want.  And I really want someone I love to want what I want!!  It's as though who I am and what matters to me isn't good enough until I can find someone to join in with me.  This is childish...and human.

I was reading a book about witches that a friend suggested, it isn't very good, more of a cotton candy kind of thing, but it reads quick and sometimes its fun to read for FUN.

There was a line in the book that jumped out at me.  The main character is a witch, but she doesn't use her powers, she wants to be like normal people.  A male character tells her "You are what you are, no matter what you do."

Hmm...how long have I been running away from who I am?  And at what cost?   I too want to be normal and if that meant not using my talents, intelligence, passions, well so be it then.

Of course, this does not work.

After reading that sentence, I was reminded of one of my favorite quotes, it is from the Gospel of Thomas:

Bring forth what is within you
What you bring forth will save you
So not bring forth what is within you
And what you do not bring forth will harm you

I am afraid to bring forth what is within me, because I don't know what it will mean.
Does it mean another friendship ends?  Does it mean I become more of a misfit in our society?
Does it mean I end up alone?

I can vividly remember as a young girl wanting to fit in with others.  I wanted to be like my best friend who had blue eyes and strawberry blonde hair.  I wanted to be anyone but ME.

Since my time in Italy, I have had a stronger pull to be me.  I hesitate though, because I sense it means change, big change.

I don't know if I can do it.  I don't know if I am strong enough to go it alone.

I took a walk on my property yesterday.  I walked to my favorite tree ('Two-tree' I call her/him, two trees that share a base) because I am able to talk freely, I feel a sense of mother goddess there.

I prayed for guidance, I prayed for a way to go.

I also prayed for cancer with 6 months to live so that I could have an end point of my life.  Life is overwhelming.  There is much beauty and I don't want to leave my sons, but I am also so TIRED.
SO tired...

I was quiet last night, fell asleep early, hiding from the world.  This morning I was an emotional zombie.  I finally decided to go for a run, even though it was 11am, late for me.

I ran through Newbury Village, my first time.  It was a great run.  After the first mile, I gained energy.  For the last 1/4 of a mile my body ran as fast as it ever has.  It was amazing, the strength in my body was pushing and it felt like I was flying.

There are so many things twirling within me and no one to share them with.  I ache for connection, but not just ANY connection.

I don't know whether I am going to make it or not.

I emailed my one close friend yesterday and lifted the glass ceiling.  (gulp)
I haven't heard back from her.

Courage Patty, courage.

my glass ceilings

Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world.
 Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.” 
― Rumi

I was talking to a friend the other day and I heard myself say "There seems to be a glass ceiling in all my friendships, I can't go any further"

Later in the conversation, it became clear to me that I PUT the glass ceilings there, I put them there as a safety measure.  I put them there out of fear.  I put them there because I am afraid that if I unleash myself, the intensity of my emotions and thinking will burn people up and they will leave me.  (A strong sense of childhood comes up as I wrote that sentence.)

The pressure of hitting this ceiling scares me.  Where do I go now?

Do I have to walk away from everyone?  Why is this theme of loss/death/change hounding me?

The resentment pops up with "I've lost both my sisters, ended several friendships, gotten divorced, what more do you want of me?!"

The answer rises from a deep tavern within me,

"More, "  it calmly says.

I am not accepting this gratefully, nor with any grace.  It's ugly.

The scariest part is that I know it's true.  I've put myself into situations again and again, cutting myself up to fit the allowable spaces.  I've kept quiet when I needed to speak.  I've spoken when I had nothing to say, but the silence was uncomfortable.

What is this glass ceiling?  It is the place where I stop being me.  The place where I am doubtful that anyone will like who I am.   The place where it is very clear that I hold different views from my friends. The place where I think no one will understand me.  The place that is vulnerable because it's true.

I am sure that someone will offer me the advice, "Lift the glass and be yourself."

I have.

 For example, when I lifted the glass in my marriage I found that I didn't have enough in common with him to continue the relationship.  The glass ceiling had been my way of staying in a situation that was intolerable.  Lifting the glass, I saw things that petrified me becasue it meant I couldn't pretend to be blind anymore. It also meant I had to DO something.

I lifted the glass in friendships by talking about things that were 'unspeakables'  topics such as drinking or parenting.  As soon as I moved beyond the ceiling, they weren't comfortable with me anymore and I couldn't put the ceiling back into place.  More loss.

I have been upset of late, judging our society for all its faults.  I've also been wondering why my friends live, what I deem, inauthentic lives.

I know enough about psychology and projection to finally realize that I am making comments about myself.  I am upset with myself for getting caught up in the machine of our culture.  Joseph Campbell and many others have warned us, "Do not let the machine eat you up."  Darth Vader in 'Star Wars' represented what happens when we do not protect ourselves from getting swept away, from  technology, from anger, from arrogance.

As for who is leading an inauthentic life...that would be ME.

"Be the change you want to see in the world."

I am afraid.

What if no one likes me?
What if I end up alone?
What if no one understands me?
What if no one connects with me?
What if I have no one to count on?
What if I am wrong and I should go along with the 'group think' of society?

But what if I never come out of hiding?
What if I don't take the risk of removing the glass ceiling?

Which is worse?

I would deeply regret not taking the risk.

There was a line in the New Yorker (May 28, 2012) at the end of a John Lahr review of the now closed play by Will Eno called 'Title and Deed'  that reverberated within me to such a degree that it was a mini-ephiphany.

The line was a summation of the play's philosophical theme:  
"Enjoy the nothingness while you can."

I don't have a firm belief in a life after death and I am drawn to the subtler aspects of Zen buddhism. (Like Woody Allen, I wouldn't want to be a member of any group that would have me.)

 This line made it clear to me that there is nothing to wait for, nothing to earn, nothing to worry about...life is a nothingness.  It is what we do in and of this nothingness that matters.