It has been one tough day. Yesterday wasn't much better.
First, I have been pushing myself hard for almost 2 weeks now. That is my fault/responsibility.
This drive to get things done, to get this house simplified, has also added a lot of stress.
I went for a mile run yesterday at 5pm, even though I had already eaten an early supper. I normally do not run on a full stomach. I need to clear my head, so off I went. I didn't do more than a mile because my body was hurting all day long.
I knew something was brewing then, but ignored it, like any normal person would.
Today started off okay, woke up with a list of things to do again. A friend I have not seen in a few months called and we decided to meet for coffee at a local cafe.
We met, we chatted, we parted. By the time I got home, I was useless. If you've ever been depressed or have seen someone depressed, that's what I looked like. I had no energy, I was stuck, I felt dead on some level.
What the hell was in that coffee?
No, it was me getting hooked once again into believing thoughts that are not true. Here are some of them:
(it took me all day to find them and in the meantime, I was absolutely miserable)
"I don't fit in with anyone anymore"
"What's wrong with me"
"Nobody gives a shit about me"
"I need to squeeze myself back into who I used to be"
"I can't be myself"
I cried this afternoon when my 17 yr old son asked me why I seemed quiet and sad. I felt as though I were in mourning. I have lost both my sisters in the past 11 years, so I know grief.
Maybe I was mourning who I used to be or the friendships I used to be a part of...I don't know.
I was sad and I felt as though I shut myself down sometime during that hour-long conversation this morning. She was fine, but I couldn't find a hook, a place to connect with her. I was ashamed of myself. Why? I was brought up to feel ashamed, is my first reaction. My second is, I am hardwired to self-destruct in situations such as these, where I feel different that other people.
I also take far too much upon myself. When I sense someone is uncomfortable, I automatically go into "memory foam" mode. I make sure the other person feels comforted, cozy, and I warp myself into their shape to make sure they are not threatened or slightly bothered by who I am.
I spent this evening writing down things like:
"What happened to me, I was so happy this month"
"Where is that peace I've been feeling since my return?"
"Why am I so miserable?'
"I am not responsible for other people's feelings"
"How do I find peace in my life, as is?"
I have been spreading myself too thin and pushing through pain rather than resting. Resting scares me. This is new for me.
I am also having an MRI done Friday to see what is happening to my spine. Xrays showed bone spurs growing on my lumbar discs and the pain is moderate to semi-high.
I have learned in the past 18 months to live with pain, but there is a point where it pops through and there is no way to ignore it. I don't want pain and illness to take over my life. I want to act healthy for as long as I can.
I know how bad things are but what is the point of talking about it all the time?
I did tell my boys yesterday afternoon I was in pain and needed to rest. I speak up every few days when it gets bad.
It's hard living with pain, but I do it.
Tonight when I went into my bedroom and closed the door because I was so upset, I wrote to myself: "I am doing all I can. I am giving all I've got. People expect more from me? When do I get a reprieve? When do I get credit for handling this so well? When do I get an A+ for doing so much?"
The answer is, never. We live our lives. No one is keeping score. People who are not doing all they can don't get warning tickets and people who excel don't get a star sticker. It is very childish of me to think otherwise.
I can't even remember what it feels like to NOT be in pain. All my joints are aching and my neck is tight tight tight.
STRESS. That is what I am producing. It is not a healthy thing for me. How do I get things done and still maintain a sense of inner peace?
My return from Italy is getting harder as I sink back into my life. I feel I am a square peg surrounded by round holes that I can't fit into. I am alone with no place to go and I feel embarrassed. Everyone is looking at me wondering "Why don't you fit into the round hole, we do, what's up with you?"
I know I don't fit. There is a small amount of envy for those who do fit, yet, I don't want to be in the round hole. I want to be in the square hole. I can't find a square hole. I have no place to hid. I feel vulnerable and exposed. I feel ashamed of who I am.
I am trusting that this is phase. Maybe soon I will walk off the round hole peg board and find other peg boards more suited to me. Maybe not. The truth is I am a square person living in a round world. I thought I was round, my friends are round. In Italy, I uncovered my squareness. I love it but it is uncomfortable right now as I don't know what to do, where to turn, or how to stand. People are looking. I will not put on a round costume, Halloween or not. It is time to embrace who I am, no matter the difficulty. It is, after all, the truth.
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Monday, October 29, 2012
Here comes SANDY
The wind is picking up and my wind chimes are making beautiful sounds. The worst of the storm will be overnight. Most of us Vermonters are ready for loss of electricity. Bummer for many, as we have our own wells. Losing the ability to flush, is harder than you might imagine.
I have been continuing the house purge. I have been through every room, closet and drawer. The basement is cleaned out and what little is down there, BBQ, skis, a bike, stack of tires is organized.
The addition was finished today. That was a big load of my mind. Every day I have completed 8-12 things. I am working 6-8 hours a day. My boys are helping me as I go. I don't know what this is all about, but it is strong and big. (like Sandy)
My month in Italy prepared me to listen to the inner forces that guide us, IF we can listen. I wish I could explain how it goes, but it is so beyond words. I could say magical, but that isn't it either.
I only know that it is a vital energy, a living energy and it is part of me, yet not me at all. Paradox, I love it.
The past 2 weeks have been similar to a nesting instinct, the push to get things done late in your 9th month of pregnancy. Or like the urge to push when giving birth, it overtakes you...you can't NOT do it. I suppose this is what they mean by the tao, the way. If you can syncopate yourself to this nature, its golden.
I still have my stressful moments, especially with two adolescents, but there is always this sense of grounding, of knowing it really is okay, no need to panic.
Remember the childhood song "Row row your boat"?
I am thinking now of the last line "Life is but a dream". I don't mean that it isn't real, I mean that it is a dream, enjoy it and don't take it so seriously. The time we have, now, is such a gift. What we have been looking for, talking to therapists about, complaining to our friends because we don't have...WE HAVE, we are IT, we are part of it all.
Now I sound new age-y, or drunk or high or like I have a new boyfriend. NOPE, it's me sober and sitting on my couch listening the the rain and wind. I have not lost my senses, I have come to my senses. (from 1939 movie "Scrooge")
I am leaving. I know this. How, what , why ,when? No clue, none. I will take it a moment at a time, just like I did in Italy. Italy taught me or gave me the space to learn to live. I met myself and we are friends.
Everything has changed, nothing has changed. I don't mind feeling alone in this because I know I am not alone. We are all struggling in some way. I am leanring to struggle less and when I do, there is grace, peace and I smile. I giggle to myself more. It's like I know the inside joke.
So along I go, cleaning, organizing, donating, recycling, throwing away. Again and again and again.
In a few more days, things will be in their place. (temporarily, as change is constant) I suppose the next step (leap of faith) that I need to take will come to me. Experience shows me it will. My heart knows this is just the beginning of a long long journey. But going home? I am home, wherever I am.
I have been continuing the house purge. I have been through every room, closet and drawer. The basement is cleaned out and what little is down there, BBQ, skis, a bike, stack of tires is organized.
The addition was finished today. That was a big load of my mind. Every day I have completed 8-12 things. I am working 6-8 hours a day. My boys are helping me as I go. I don't know what this is all about, but it is strong and big. (like Sandy)
My month in Italy prepared me to listen to the inner forces that guide us, IF we can listen. I wish I could explain how it goes, but it is so beyond words. I could say magical, but that isn't it either.
I only know that it is a vital energy, a living energy and it is part of me, yet not me at all. Paradox, I love it.
The past 2 weeks have been similar to a nesting instinct, the push to get things done late in your 9th month of pregnancy. Or like the urge to push when giving birth, it overtakes you...you can't NOT do it. I suppose this is what they mean by the tao, the way. If you can syncopate yourself to this nature, its golden.
I still have my stressful moments, especially with two adolescents, but there is always this sense of grounding, of knowing it really is okay, no need to panic.
Remember the childhood song "Row row your boat"?
I am thinking now of the last line "Life is but a dream". I don't mean that it isn't real, I mean that it is a dream, enjoy it and don't take it so seriously. The time we have, now, is such a gift. What we have been looking for, talking to therapists about, complaining to our friends because we don't have...WE HAVE, we are IT, we are part of it all.
Now I sound new age-y, or drunk or high or like I have a new boyfriend. NOPE, it's me sober and sitting on my couch listening the the rain and wind. I have not lost my senses, I have come to my senses. (from 1939 movie "Scrooge")
I am leaving. I know this. How, what , why ,when? No clue, none. I will take it a moment at a time, just like I did in Italy. Italy taught me or gave me the space to learn to live. I met myself and we are friends.
Everything has changed, nothing has changed. I don't mind feeling alone in this because I know I am not alone. We are all struggling in some way. I am leanring to struggle less and when I do, there is grace, peace and I smile. I giggle to myself more. It's like I know the inside joke.
So along I go, cleaning, organizing, donating, recycling, throwing away. Again and again and again.
In a few more days, things will be in their place. (temporarily, as change is constant) I suppose the next step (leap of faith) that I need to take will come to me. Experience shows me it will. My heart knows this is just the beginning of a long long journey. But going home? I am home, wherever I am.
Monday, October 22, 2012
Three weeks home and...
I am realizing that there is no going back to how life was before the Italy trip.
I am not sure what or how it happened, but something significant has changed. Did I learn something, or let go of something...did I wake up, there is no way of figuring it out.
I find that when I am with people I know, I am detached. Not in a putting-off kind of way, but that I see and sense the situation differently. I don't know how the hell I used to do it, going along with behavior that is so obviously rude or thoughtless. I must of been paralyzed or something NOT to have reacted in the past.
I have something now that I didn't have then, a home...a home within myself. I feel it so strongly, this sense of I, but not an egotistical sense. It's more of a comfort and it has nothing to do with anyone else.
I just know that I am okay and safe and a good person.
I ran into a friend who I have known for 8 years the other day. I don't see her much anymore, but we were in a very small homeschooling group together and were close for a few years.
I heard that her dog died so I sent her a card and my boys and I signed it, I added a little note telling her we would miss Archie.
When I saw her at a social function we chatted for a bit. After she talked for a while, she asked what I had been up to lately. I told her I got back from Italy 2 weeks ago. She said "Oh yeah, I forgot about that" and then started talking about her home life. I went along with the flow of the conversation, but there was this quick cold feeling of "wow" that ran through me. (Nor did she mention anything about my 50 lb weight loss since June.)
I see that most of the friends I have NEED me to be who I used to be, so they can feel good about themselves. That was who I was, the person who made other people feel better, whether it was because I listened or because I was overweight or because I live paycheck to paycheck, or because I am single.
What an eye-opener it has been to me how poorly I treated myself. I honestly didn't believe I was worth much to put up with such treatment.
Another very close friend didn't even ask to see any photos of Italy, that hurt.
I have hardly even TALKED about Italy, nevertheless showed photos.
Why am I editing myself? Why am I making my life SMALL again?
I don't want to be part of relationships like this anymore. There is a part of me that says" Who do you think YOU are??!!"
I am who I am and I am not being selfish nor mean when I say these things.
I am mostly shocked about how much I didn't see before. I was scared maybe, scared to have no one like me. But I don't want to be liked for playing the part of a loser so another person can feel like a winner.
I don't want to be the winner or the loser, I want to be me. How can I find people who just want to be themselves? I have no idea.
There are other changes, I realize I don't want to go back to being the CARETAKER of the house. I don't want to spend another day reminding my children what to do for the 5th time or cleaning up after them or having to clean and organize the addition AGAIN after doing it 4 months ago.
This is not MY life that I am taking care of, it is THING, STUFF, crappola. I do not want to use my energy and time to take care of things that are NOT even mine.
I look in the mirror and I am not sure who is looking back, where is all this strength coming from? Will it disappear?
I went for a run today, it has been 2 weeks. The chiro doc told me not to run until my hip is better.
I was very upset after trying to clean up the garage and sort out junk, so I went for a run with my new minimizer sneakers. I ran at the high school track, 4 laps, a mile and it felt wonderful and FREE.
The hip is doing okay. I didn't do another half mile which is my usual distance, I didn't want to push. I took care of myself.
All this wonderful stuff that has been happening to me, it seems only 2 of my friends are not bent out of shape about it, plus my kids they have been supportive about Italy and my seeing the Dalai Lama.
Oh, yes, about HIM. I was in the 5th row but off to the far right of the stage. he spoke for about 45 minutes and the best part was his laugh. It was delightful and beautiful and it filled me with joy. He is a truly kind being, simple as that.
I bought myself prayer beads from the monks who were chanting and they also made a sand mandala. I bought a big set of prayer flags and tied them to the trees at the end of my long driveway. I love them there, they are bright and pretty.
I major theme came to me today after I realized how much pressure is on my to take care of this house, the boys, my medical care, etc. in a moment without even knowing what I was going to say, I asked my ex-husband to buy me out of the house. I wanted OUT.
I am not even asking for half the value, just enough to buy a decent used car and pay for an apt for 6 months while I find a job. Something came over me and that is what I told him. I heard how firm and clear my voice sounded "I want out, you can have it all. I don't want to do this anymore".
Again it wasn't about winning and losing, it was about what is true. It isn't about THINGS, it is about life and love and dignity and truth.
I have been petrified of the truth for a LONG LONG time. I am not anymore. I am sorry that I am not the person people hoped I would be, damn, I'm sorry I am not the person I dreamed I would be...but I am NOT sorry about who I am. I am a very decent person. I care. I am an avid student who is always learning.
I can't be the person who the people I care about, want or need me to be. What is the shame in that?
The truth is I was never that person anyway, I was just TRYING hard all the time to be an image.
Is it so wrong to try to make a life for myself where I am nourished? I don't think so. I am not scared of the turth anymore. I am not scared or hiding who I am anymore. I am also no longer afraid to look at other people and see who they are.
There was a time, not so long ago where all of that would have been too much, what would I do if I lost everyone, if they left me. Now I know that I will be okay, with or without them. I will be okay because I am okay. I don't have to fix them or talk to them about what they can do to get better, I can just walk my own path, take my own advice and let them live THEIR life the way they want.
A peaceful walking away. May they know peace, may they know happiness, may they know love. I wish the same for myself.
I am not sure what or how it happened, but something significant has changed. Did I learn something, or let go of something...did I wake up, there is no way of figuring it out.
I find that when I am with people I know, I am detached. Not in a putting-off kind of way, but that I see and sense the situation differently. I don't know how the hell I used to do it, going along with behavior that is so obviously rude or thoughtless. I must of been paralyzed or something NOT to have reacted in the past.
I have something now that I didn't have then, a home...a home within myself. I feel it so strongly, this sense of I, but not an egotistical sense. It's more of a comfort and it has nothing to do with anyone else.
I just know that I am okay and safe and a good person.
I ran into a friend who I have known for 8 years the other day. I don't see her much anymore, but we were in a very small homeschooling group together and were close for a few years.
I heard that her dog died so I sent her a card and my boys and I signed it, I added a little note telling her we would miss Archie.
When I saw her at a social function we chatted for a bit. After she talked for a while, she asked what I had been up to lately. I told her I got back from Italy 2 weeks ago. She said "Oh yeah, I forgot about that" and then started talking about her home life. I went along with the flow of the conversation, but there was this quick cold feeling of "wow" that ran through me. (Nor did she mention anything about my 50 lb weight loss since June.)
I see that most of the friends I have NEED me to be who I used to be, so they can feel good about themselves. That was who I was, the person who made other people feel better, whether it was because I listened or because I was overweight or because I live paycheck to paycheck, or because I am single.
What an eye-opener it has been to me how poorly I treated myself. I honestly didn't believe I was worth much to put up with such treatment.
Another very close friend didn't even ask to see any photos of Italy, that hurt.
I have hardly even TALKED about Italy, nevertheless showed photos.
Why am I editing myself? Why am I making my life SMALL again?
I don't want to be part of relationships like this anymore. There is a part of me that says" Who do you think YOU are??!!"
I am who I am and I am not being selfish nor mean when I say these things.
I am mostly shocked about how much I didn't see before. I was scared maybe, scared to have no one like me. But I don't want to be liked for playing the part of a loser so another person can feel like a winner.
I don't want to be the winner or the loser, I want to be me. How can I find people who just want to be themselves? I have no idea.
There are other changes, I realize I don't want to go back to being the CARETAKER of the house. I don't want to spend another day reminding my children what to do for the 5th time or cleaning up after them or having to clean and organize the addition AGAIN after doing it 4 months ago.
This is not MY life that I am taking care of, it is THING, STUFF, crappola. I do not want to use my energy and time to take care of things that are NOT even mine.
I look in the mirror and I am not sure who is looking back, where is all this strength coming from? Will it disappear?
I went for a run today, it has been 2 weeks. The chiro doc told me not to run until my hip is better.
I was very upset after trying to clean up the garage and sort out junk, so I went for a run with my new minimizer sneakers. I ran at the high school track, 4 laps, a mile and it felt wonderful and FREE.
The hip is doing okay. I didn't do another half mile which is my usual distance, I didn't want to push. I took care of myself.
All this wonderful stuff that has been happening to me, it seems only 2 of my friends are not bent out of shape about it, plus my kids they have been supportive about Italy and my seeing the Dalai Lama.
Oh, yes, about HIM. I was in the 5th row but off to the far right of the stage. he spoke for about 45 minutes and the best part was his laugh. It was delightful and beautiful and it filled me with joy. He is a truly kind being, simple as that.
I bought myself prayer beads from the monks who were chanting and they also made a sand mandala. I bought a big set of prayer flags and tied them to the trees at the end of my long driveway. I love them there, they are bright and pretty.
I major theme came to me today after I realized how much pressure is on my to take care of this house, the boys, my medical care, etc. in a moment without even knowing what I was going to say, I asked my ex-husband to buy me out of the house. I wanted OUT.
I am not even asking for half the value, just enough to buy a decent used car and pay for an apt for 6 months while I find a job. Something came over me and that is what I told him. I heard how firm and clear my voice sounded "I want out, you can have it all. I don't want to do this anymore".
Again it wasn't about winning and losing, it was about what is true. It isn't about THINGS, it is about life and love and dignity and truth.
I have been petrified of the truth for a LONG LONG time. I am not anymore. I am sorry that I am not the person people hoped I would be, damn, I'm sorry I am not the person I dreamed I would be...but I am NOT sorry about who I am. I am a very decent person. I care. I am an avid student who is always learning.
I can't be the person who the people I care about, want or need me to be. What is the shame in that?
The truth is I was never that person anyway, I was just TRYING hard all the time to be an image.
Is it so wrong to try to make a life for myself where I am nourished? I don't think so. I am not scared of the turth anymore. I am not scared or hiding who I am anymore. I am also no longer afraid to look at other people and see who they are.
There was a time, not so long ago where all of that would have been too much, what would I do if I lost everyone, if they left me. Now I know that I will be okay, with or without them. I will be okay because I am okay. I don't have to fix them or talk to them about what they can do to get better, I can just walk my own path, take my own advice and let them live THEIR life the way they want.
A peaceful walking away. May they know peace, may they know happiness, may they know love. I wish the same for myself.
Thursday, October 18, 2012
Row E, Seat 7
I got to use my suitcase again, this time to stay overnight in Danbury, CT. Tomorrow at 10am I will be in the 5th row, on the right side of a 3500-seat auditorium, to hear the Dalai Lama talk about what we can do in our daily lives to increase compassion in ourselves and help others.
I drove down with a woman from my town, she was the one who got the tickets and I was lucky enough to be the first one to respond to her Facebook posting 3 months ago about the extra ticket.
On the drive down she asked me about Italy and it was so much fun reliving some of things I did.
I also realize how different I am since my return. I am truly changed. I am not sure if everyone who travels has such a life-altering experience, but I did.
I am more at peace with life, just the bottom line basic 'om' of life. I can appreciate the moment of NOW, more often. Looking at the beautiful things in Italy (almost everywhere, it seemed) taught me to LOOK and appreciate.
I am excited about hearing HIM tomorrow. I am not sure why, but something wonderful is going to happen. I feel like a little girl, excited and a little giggly.
More tomorrow...
I drove down with a woman from my town, she was the one who got the tickets and I was lucky enough to be the first one to respond to her Facebook posting 3 months ago about the extra ticket.
On the drive down she asked me about Italy and it was so much fun reliving some of things I did.
I also realize how different I am since my return. I am truly changed. I am not sure if everyone who travels has such a life-altering experience, but I did.
I am more at peace with life, just the bottom line basic 'om' of life. I can appreciate the moment of NOW, more often. Looking at the beautiful things in Italy (almost everywhere, it seemed) taught me to LOOK and appreciate.
I am excited about hearing HIM tomorrow. I am not sure why, but something wonderful is going to happen. I feel like a little girl, excited and a little giggly.
More tomorrow...
Sunday, October 14, 2012
motherhood
Being away for a month allowed me the gift of not having to take care of anyone. I never knew how much energy and time I put into other people, especially my children.
There is a saying "You don't know how wet you are, until you get out of the water," and I must admit it was nice being dry for a while.
There are many paths to take in parenting, I took the road less traveled. Yes, it has made all the difference, but it is also a much steeper road and it demands quite a toll.
I will admit that I am an excellent parent. I will also admit that it is extremely difficult and exhausting.
I don't care to do anything half-ass, but for things that mean a lot to me, I know no bounds. I'm in it, heart, soul, feet, and breath. Might be good, might be bad, but that's me.
Today was a hearty reminder of how much input mothering costs me and I am not always happy to pay.
Where is the line from what I need to do for me and the needs of two adolescent sons? If you think you know the answer, you've never raised children.
I know we are all separate beings, I also know we are one. In raising my children, I am raising myself. What I do to them, I do to myself. I have not been blessed with an abundance of patience, so there are many times I am full of fury and don't know what to do with the emotion.
Sometimes things look so clear to me and I am quick, very quick, to point out my children's errors and faults.
Today I did something new and it presented itself quietly. I sat, stayed calm, and gave my son the space, time and room, to be. I stayed in the room without anger or frustration. I refused to get all in a jumble and react.
Like I did in Italy, I followed an almost in-perceivable sensation and it turned out beautifully.
Staying in the moment, in the truth of whatever IS, knowing what was happening was not about me, yet was about me....it was about my son, yet it wasn't...that the human drama of feeling unsure, scared, and lost in thoughts of "what should be" when all there really is is what is.
( This is not easy to put into words.)
In the end, there was no drama, no fault, no one disappointing anyone; There was a hot wood stove crackling, 2 cats sleeping on the floor, and 2 people sitting on a couch. It was simple, it was easy, it was the truth.
There is a saying "You don't know how wet you are, until you get out of the water," and I must admit it was nice being dry for a while.
There are many paths to take in parenting, I took the road less traveled. Yes, it has made all the difference, but it is also a much steeper road and it demands quite a toll.
I will admit that I am an excellent parent. I will also admit that it is extremely difficult and exhausting.
I don't care to do anything half-ass, but for things that mean a lot to me, I know no bounds. I'm in it, heart, soul, feet, and breath. Might be good, might be bad, but that's me.
Today was a hearty reminder of how much input mothering costs me and I am not always happy to pay.
Where is the line from what I need to do for me and the needs of two adolescent sons? If you think you know the answer, you've never raised children.
I know we are all separate beings, I also know we are one. In raising my children, I am raising myself. What I do to them, I do to myself. I have not been blessed with an abundance of patience, so there are many times I am full of fury and don't know what to do with the emotion.
Sometimes things look so clear to me and I am quick, very quick, to point out my children's errors and faults.
Today I did something new and it presented itself quietly. I sat, stayed calm, and gave my son the space, time and room, to be. I stayed in the room without anger or frustration. I refused to get all in a jumble and react.
Like I did in Italy, I followed an almost in-perceivable sensation and it turned out beautifully.
Staying in the moment, in the truth of whatever IS, knowing what was happening was not about me, yet was about me....it was about my son, yet it wasn't...that the human drama of feeling unsure, scared, and lost in thoughts of "what should be" when all there really is is what is.
( This is not easy to put into words.)
In the end, there was no drama, no fault, no one disappointing anyone; There was a hot wood stove crackling, 2 cats sleeping on the floor, and 2 people sitting on a couch. It was simple, it was easy, it was the truth.
changes
Physically I am working on getting rid of THINGS. Sharing a house with others makes that difficult. Also, I can't do as much as I used to. My mind has me whipping through each room, but my back, tells me otherwise.
De-cluttering my life on a few levels: old thoughts/beliefs, old patterns, relationships.
I am letting things go and it is a mixed feeling of lightness and sadness.
My trip to Italy has changed everything for me. My outlook about life is different, I find I am more passionate about life, JUST the fact of life, empty as it is. I say thank you, all the time, for my experience of NOW.
Being home, I see the heaviness of my old life. A lot of time is needed to maintain a house and THINGS. I have boxed myself in and now I am opening doors.
I need so much less than I have and getting rid of things isn't as easy as you would think.
Where does this stuff go? A landfill? Do I really want to do a yard sale? (NO)
I have more humor these days, even about the tough things.
I have less email from people as I have stopped being a caretaker. I was thinking this morning that the people I called friends, weren't even friends. Again, no anger towards them, but I found it funny that I used to think that friends meant anyone who would 'put up with me'. Amazing how little I thought of myself.
Somewhere in my life I learned to take scraps for gold. I always felt I had to be VERY grateful to anyone who liked me, as though it was a great hardship being my friend. In Italy I found out what a great friend I am and I am being a friend to myself.
I was so off-balance about relationships because I believed I had no worth, but everyone else did. Everyone has worth, whether I can easily see it or not.
I am not sure how I lived before, it feels so foreign to me now. I see a big difference in me, I am more alive, more present, more human.
Right now in my life, there is loss. I gets short bursts of sadness but I have no desire to go back to who I used to be. I am sure there are 'friends' who will miss the old me, but maybe this will give them a chance to grow too?
"I am preparing to move." I don't know what that means exactly, but that is the sense I have these past 2 days. The thought keeps sweeping through my consciousness. I need to prepare to move. Whether that means a real physical move (to another state) or a symbolic moving, doesn't matter.
I learned in Italy to follow those inner urges and not to be analytical about it. What I have been searching for, I have, I am. The answers (no, the way to go) come from within. I learned to listen, I learned to trust, I learned that courage is not stopping to argue with fear.
So I am moving. Letting go of things, relationships, patterns, illusions, and the old idea of who I am.
I have a lot to do, but I am getting it done, one tiny step at a time. I have no clue where I am going. For now, I am here on a cold rainy VT day getting ready to go through my closet and drawers. I will fill up bags so I can donate them tomorrow.
It's time to part with my past.
De-cluttering my life on a few levels: old thoughts/beliefs, old patterns, relationships.
I am letting things go and it is a mixed feeling of lightness and sadness.
My trip to Italy has changed everything for me. My outlook about life is different, I find I am more passionate about life, JUST the fact of life, empty as it is. I say thank you, all the time, for my experience of NOW.
Being home, I see the heaviness of my old life. A lot of time is needed to maintain a house and THINGS. I have boxed myself in and now I am opening doors.
I need so much less than I have and getting rid of things isn't as easy as you would think.
Where does this stuff go? A landfill? Do I really want to do a yard sale? (NO)
I have more humor these days, even about the tough things.
I have less email from people as I have stopped being a caretaker. I was thinking this morning that the people I called friends, weren't even friends. Again, no anger towards them, but I found it funny that I used to think that friends meant anyone who would 'put up with me'. Amazing how little I thought of myself.
Somewhere in my life I learned to take scraps for gold. I always felt I had to be VERY grateful to anyone who liked me, as though it was a great hardship being my friend. In Italy I found out what a great friend I am and I am being a friend to myself.
I was so off-balance about relationships because I believed I had no worth, but everyone else did. Everyone has worth, whether I can easily see it or not.
I am not sure how I lived before, it feels so foreign to me now. I see a big difference in me, I am more alive, more present, more human.
Right now in my life, there is loss. I gets short bursts of sadness but I have no desire to go back to who I used to be. I am sure there are 'friends' who will miss the old me, but maybe this will give them a chance to grow too?
"I am preparing to move." I don't know what that means exactly, but that is the sense I have these past 2 days. The thought keeps sweeping through my consciousness. I need to prepare to move. Whether that means a real physical move (to another state) or a symbolic moving, doesn't matter.
I learned in Italy to follow those inner urges and not to be analytical about it. What I have been searching for, I have, I am. The answers (no, the way to go) come from within. I learned to listen, I learned to trust, I learned that courage is not stopping to argue with fear.
So I am moving. Letting go of things, relationships, patterns, illusions, and the old idea of who I am.
I have a lot to do, but I am getting it done, one tiny step at a time. I have no clue where I am going. For now, I am here on a cold rainy VT day getting ready to go through my closet and drawers. I will fill up bags so I can donate them tomorrow.
It's time to part with my past.
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
1st week home and yet...
I feel as though I have been home for a month. But the Italy trip still feels as though it were a year long odyssey.
I don't see many comments anymore, so perhaps I am getting BORING. :)
I received an email from my brother full of bad news. He said he didn't want to bother me while I was in Italy. He is sweet.
I find that my time in Italy truly made some deep changes in my being. Sure, stress has increased with the 'this needs to be done' 'can you drive me here?' 'taxes are due when!?' and those pesky doc appts.
But all in all, Italy lives on inside of me. The walks along the Tiber, the breathtaking buildings in Perugia, the basilica in Assisi where I cried, the Roman wall in Spello, the food EVERYWHERE, the concerts in Umbertide, the Juno head at the Palazzo Altemps, St Peter's square, the lights from over the bridge, and those early morning runs in quiet Rome with the moon and morning star to brighten my way...INCREDIBLE!
I am not as wrapped with the busyness of life. Normally I am the kind of person who would have everything put away a day after a vacation. I still have 4 piles of stuff on my big bay window sill.
I haven't caught up with collecting the kindling we'll need for the winter. The rooms aren't dirty, but things are messy.
I love the 'idea' of dedicating 2 whole days to getting all these things done, but it means pushing me , pushing the boys, and in the end, things get messy all over again.
I am looking for some balance here. (this is NEW) I also know after living in Anna'a house in Umbertide for 3 weeks, that there are a lot of things here that I do not need. I am not a hoarder and I regularly go through things several times a year to give to charity and local thrift shops. It is different now because I realize I need very little, basically, not much. Oh sure it's fun to have lots of doodads in the kitchen drawers, but I knew before I left I was feeling weighed down by what I own (and thought).
It is as though whatever I buy, buys me. I want to keep that in mind as I move through life. How much do I want to carry? How much is related to fear? Fear that 'SOMEDAY' I will need that mini melon scooper. Or the fear of times when I have nothing to do and it pops in my head to go thrift store shopping to see what I can find. If I don't need anything, there is nothing to find. Read a book or better yet go out for a walk. The accumulation of STUFF (good ol' George Carlin) is very sudden and often do our detriment. I do try and buy local and used items, but even that can easily boom into clutter.
I've know lots of people who buy a bargain because it was a bargain. That bargain sits in their house year after year. I know people who can't walk through their full size basements (3B 2b house) due to stuff. They can't get rid of it. So it sits, decays, smells, falls apart, clogs up the walk way and finally closes down the whole area.
Where in our lives do we do that same process, push things in the basement or up in the attic or in the garage. Stuff we don't want to part with, but no longer needed? Shit, how many of us do that with our friendships, jobs, spouses?
Talking about relationships, I have 2 male friends (ages late 40's to mid 50's) and after they both spent about 10 months to get over intense (very unhealthy) relationships, they both hopped into new relationships quicker than cold water spits on a hot griddle pan. 'pop'
I was shocked. After hours of conversations about finding who we are and needing to learn to take care of ourselves, yadda yadda yadda, they both did exactly what they did before, saw a woman across the room, raced over, dated twice, had sex, and ta da, living together.
They cling to each other as though they found their other half. I call that 'crab love' 2 under-developed people who CLING to each other with tight crab grips thinking "Hey we are ONE now!" I stand by and roll my eyes while I shake my head. Same old, same old. I'm disgusted. I thought they were like me, they said they were anyway. I am learning a lesson. Oh well.
The important lesson for me, don't always believe what people tell you about what they want, WATCH how they live their lives. Actions speak but I ignored it.
So I continue to go my merry way down the path I am going. They have decided to go another route. I miss seeing them and waving, but all I can see is their back now, as they walk arm in arm (crabs) with this person thinking "This time, I'll get it right and she (he) will save me".
Good luck with your choices, I need to move on.
I continue to head into the black forrest where there is no path. But the closer I get to the deep thick cluster of trees, I can see more clearly. From a distance it looks dark, dead, and abandoned. Close up it smells of rich pines and oaks and great other tree smells. I hear birds and see little creatures running along with seeds and nuts in they jowls. I see there is plenty of room between the trees for me to walk and run. And sunlight indeed shines down here as does the moonlight in the evenings/nights. It is breathtaking here. People stay away from the unknown, they want the path to be trodden by others first and they want where they are going to look beautiful from a distance and make them promises.
They are missing a lot, playing it safe, walking the same old paths with the same type of people.
Me? I'm off on my own, in awe of the beauty here (and in me).
I too once believed that life was about pretty things and hooking up with people who made me feel good about myself (even though I didn't show them who I really was) and staying away from dark, distant unknown things, places, people.
No more. No more.
Some may say I have lost my mind, walking away from things, friends, patterns and no longer pursuing success, trying to win a man, only allowing myself to be people's caretakers.
I may have lost my mind, but it wasn't MY MIND, it was a mind filled from the time I was a child from an old religion, from parents who didn't understand their own emotions, from teachers who could be mean, from lots of kids who were cruel, from men who hurt me, from men who thought it was okay to verbally humiliate me because I was overweight, from friends who used me to make them feel better, from me thinking I had to stay to take whatever people were kind enough to give me.
My mind is my own now. No one hurts me.(not even me) It is a content mind, full of compassion, full of connection to nature and others, a mind that sings, dances and smiles. A mind that is not afraid to open and come out of tiny rooms, so it can breath and be free. A mind that is not afraid to move.
My mind is open and clear as the sky, and going into dark places does not scare me. I walk where my invisible path leads me. I don't argue. This I learned in Italy, to trust. To trust me, to trust the universe (what I can see, sense, hear, feel,whatever) I go along. Life is an adventure when we let go of the stuff, whatever that stuff might be.
It is just after dawn, another day begins. Here I go...again.
I don't see many comments anymore, so perhaps I am getting BORING. :)
I received an email from my brother full of bad news. He said he didn't want to bother me while I was in Italy. He is sweet.
I find that my time in Italy truly made some deep changes in my being. Sure, stress has increased with the 'this needs to be done' 'can you drive me here?' 'taxes are due when!?' and those pesky doc appts.
But all in all, Italy lives on inside of me. The walks along the Tiber, the breathtaking buildings in Perugia, the basilica in Assisi where I cried, the Roman wall in Spello, the food EVERYWHERE, the concerts in Umbertide, the Juno head at the Palazzo Altemps, St Peter's square, the lights from over the bridge, and those early morning runs in quiet Rome with the moon and morning star to brighten my way...INCREDIBLE!
I am not as wrapped with the busyness of life. Normally I am the kind of person who would have everything put away a day after a vacation. I still have 4 piles of stuff on my big bay window sill.
I haven't caught up with collecting the kindling we'll need for the winter. The rooms aren't dirty, but things are messy.
I love the 'idea' of dedicating 2 whole days to getting all these things done, but it means pushing me , pushing the boys, and in the end, things get messy all over again.
I am looking for some balance here. (this is NEW) I also know after living in Anna'a house in Umbertide for 3 weeks, that there are a lot of things here that I do not need. I am not a hoarder and I regularly go through things several times a year to give to charity and local thrift shops. It is different now because I realize I need very little, basically, not much. Oh sure it's fun to have lots of doodads in the kitchen drawers, but I knew before I left I was feeling weighed down by what I own (and thought).
It is as though whatever I buy, buys me. I want to keep that in mind as I move through life. How much do I want to carry? How much is related to fear? Fear that 'SOMEDAY' I will need that mini melon scooper. Or the fear of times when I have nothing to do and it pops in my head to go thrift store shopping to see what I can find. If I don't need anything, there is nothing to find. Read a book or better yet go out for a walk. The accumulation of STUFF (good ol' George Carlin) is very sudden and often do our detriment. I do try and buy local and used items, but even that can easily boom into clutter.
I've know lots of people who buy a bargain because it was a bargain. That bargain sits in their house year after year. I know people who can't walk through their full size basements (3B 2b house) due to stuff. They can't get rid of it. So it sits, decays, smells, falls apart, clogs up the walk way and finally closes down the whole area.
Where in our lives do we do that same process, push things in the basement or up in the attic or in the garage. Stuff we don't want to part with, but no longer needed? Shit, how many of us do that with our friendships, jobs, spouses?
Talking about relationships, I have 2 male friends (ages late 40's to mid 50's) and after they both spent about 10 months to get over intense (very unhealthy) relationships, they both hopped into new relationships quicker than cold water spits on a hot griddle pan. 'pop'
I was shocked. After hours of conversations about finding who we are and needing to learn to take care of ourselves, yadda yadda yadda, they both did exactly what they did before, saw a woman across the room, raced over, dated twice, had sex, and ta da, living together.
They cling to each other as though they found their other half. I call that 'crab love' 2 under-developed people who CLING to each other with tight crab grips thinking "Hey we are ONE now!" I stand by and roll my eyes while I shake my head. Same old, same old. I'm disgusted. I thought they were like me, they said they were anyway. I am learning a lesson. Oh well.
The important lesson for me, don't always believe what people tell you about what they want, WATCH how they live their lives. Actions speak but I ignored it.
So I continue to go my merry way down the path I am going. They have decided to go another route. I miss seeing them and waving, but all I can see is their back now, as they walk arm in arm (crabs) with this person thinking "This time, I'll get it right and she (he) will save me".
Good luck with your choices, I need to move on.
I continue to head into the black forrest where there is no path. But the closer I get to the deep thick cluster of trees, I can see more clearly. From a distance it looks dark, dead, and abandoned. Close up it smells of rich pines and oaks and great other tree smells. I hear birds and see little creatures running along with seeds and nuts in they jowls. I see there is plenty of room between the trees for me to walk and run. And sunlight indeed shines down here as does the moonlight in the evenings/nights. It is breathtaking here. People stay away from the unknown, they want the path to be trodden by others first and they want where they are going to look beautiful from a distance and make them promises.
They are missing a lot, playing it safe, walking the same old paths with the same type of people.
Me? I'm off on my own, in awe of the beauty here (and in me).
I too once believed that life was about pretty things and hooking up with people who made me feel good about myself (even though I didn't show them who I really was) and staying away from dark, distant unknown things, places, people.
No more. No more.
Some may say I have lost my mind, walking away from things, friends, patterns and no longer pursuing success, trying to win a man, only allowing myself to be people's caretakers.
I may have lost my mind, but it wasn't MY MIND, it was a mind filled from the time I was a child from an old religion, from parents who didn't understand their own emotions, from teachers who could be mean, from lots of kids who were cruel, from men who hurt me, from men who thought it was okay to verbally humiliate me because I was overweight, from friends who used me to make them feel better, from me thinking I had to stay to take whatever people were kind enough to give me.
My mind is my own now. No one hurts me.(not even me) It is a content mind, full of compassion, full of connection to nature and others, a mind that sings, dances and smiles. A mind that is not afraid to open and come out of tiny rooms, so it can breath and be free. A mind that is not afraid to move.
My mind is open and clear as the sky, and going into dark places does not scare me. I walk where my invisible path leads me. I don't argue. This I learned in Italy, to trust. To trust me, to trust the universe (what I can see, sense, hear, feel,whatever) I go along. Life is an adventure when we let go of the stuff, whatever that stuff might be.
It is just after dawn, another day begins. Here I go...again.
Monday, October 8, 2012
Back to DHMC
Dartmouth-Hitchcock Medical Center (DHMC) is a place I appreciate and hate, mostly the latter lately.
Being away for a month has not changed how I feel as I walk through the colorless halls. I needed to have blood tests done today and I thought back to my time in Italy as though it were a long ago memory. Did I really run at dawn to Popolo Piazza just 7 days ago?
I am back to organizing my medical appts, the calendar is filling up fast.
I had a talk with my former spouse today about finances and found myself telling him about medical issues. I listened to myself and felt thoroughly sorry for the poor woman, who was me.
Am I so removed from myself that I do not recognize all I am going through? I recall saying to him, "I can't remember a day I haven't been in pain," and worse, it was true.
I know there are others out there who deal with pain. I choose not to medicate. I don't like how I feel on meds, they don't ever take it all away anyway.
I have learned not to focus on the pain, I let it be. Often I can get involved enough in something and it takes my mind off of it.
Having so much to do everyday in Italy, it was easier to put it on the back burner of my awareness.
I thought about resting for a while this afternoon and then thought, if I was in Italy I would be walking for hours. I don't want to stop living!! Illness takes so much from me, I don't want to give it an inch more.
It is a very private world, being ill. After the initial shock wears off, everyone gets back to their lives. Is reminds me of how I felt after my sister died 2 years ago, a week later and people were talking to me and treating me like nothing had happened. It is sad and lonely to have others not involved in your life.
i don't talk to many people about my illness, because honestly, no one wants to hear it. I sure as hell couldn't have understood it if someone told me. You have to experience it to understand.
Often when I am walking through the hospital I see people hurting, people struggling to walk, people who look exhausted, and I say quietly as I pass them "blessings". It is my way on connecting to them. My way of reaching out. I see them. I understand suffering.
I suppose I could let it all go and become this illness, but I choose to be me. There are times I want to scream "Make it stop!" or beg "Let me feel normal" But this is my new normal.
So I show up for my appts. I am nice to the people who work there. I take it a breath at a time.
I know things could be worse...
I also know they could be better, and that's the rub.
Being away for a month has not changed how I feel as I walk through the colorless halls. I needed to have blood tests done today and I thought back to my time in Italy as though it were a long ago memory. Did I really run at dawn to Popolo Piazza just 7 days ago?
I am back to organizing my medical appts, the calendar is filling up fast.
I had a talk with my former spouse today about finances and found myself telling him about medical issues. I listened to myself and felt thoroughly sorry for the poor woman, who was me.
Am I so removed from myself that I do not recognize all I am going through? I recall saying to him, "I can't remember a day I haven't been in pain," and worse, it was true.
I know there are others out there who deal with pain. I choose not to medicate. I don't like how I feel on meds, they don't ever take it all away anyway.
I have learned not to focus on the pain, I let it be. Often I can get involved enough in something and it takes my mind off of it.
Having so much to do everyday in Italy, it was easier to put it on the back burner of my awareness.
I thought about resting for a while this afternoon and then thought, if I was in Italy I would be walking for hours. I don't want to stop living!! Illness takes so much from me, I don't want to give it an inch more.
It is a very private world, being ill. After the initial shock wears off, everyone gets back to their lives. Is reminds me of how I felt after my sister died 2 years ago, a week later and people were talking to me and treating me like nothing had happened. It is sad and lonely to have others not involved in your life.
i don't talk to many people about my illness, because honestly, no one wants to hear it. I sure as hell couldn't have understood it if someone told me. You have to experience it to understand.
Often when I am walking through the hospital I see people hurting, people struggling to walk, people who look exhausted, and I say quietly as I pass them "blessings". It is my way on connecting to them. My way of reaching out. I see them. I understand suffering.
I suppose I could let it all go and become this illness, but I choose to be me. There are times I want to scream "Make it stop!" or beg "Let me feel normal" But this is my new normal.
So I show up for my appts. I am nice to the people who work there. I take it a breath at a time.
I know things could be worse...
I also know they could be better, and that's the rub.
Sunday, October 7, 2012
everyone else seems...
the same, unhappy.
I was looking forward to today as there was a big fall festival gathering at a nearby organic farm and many of my friends would be there.
The first thing I noticed was that I had changed. I was more myself, more of a 3D person less of a "what should I be, how should I act" 2D person. I didn't make a big fuss about what to wear nor did I imagine any scenarios in my head. I just showed up, like I did in Italy.
I feel this sense of strength, not physical, rather soulful. It felt as though I filled out my space, I didn't have to make myself small and I didn't have any self-conscious thoughts. I felt good, I didn't need to look in the mirror or at a reflection in a car window. I know who I am.
I was excited to see several people, but it was quite disappointing. Instead of a genuine "How was Italy!?" question, there was a kind of "Hey you're back, here what's been going on with me" thing.
Did going away for a month make some people feel bad? Are some people so clueless as to think that it was a good idea to launch into negative soap opera-style news today?
I was really taken back to how my life used to be, being the good listening friend and accepting the emotional dumping of others. It felt yukky, it was heavy, it was a downer and none of it was mine. Why add this to my life? These people did fine while I was away. I am not going back to that behavior, I have grown up, I don't need to caretake or mother people anymore. Nope.
The few people who were genuinely happy for me, were not who I expected but I am very grateful to them.
Four of my friends play in band and I danced today, which felt good. I danced as much as I could. I need it, my body needed it. I did that for me, that was what I needed to do and I did it. This felt similar to who I was in Italy, following the muses rather than logic or fears or negative thoughts about who I am/what I look like.
On the drive home I was sad and disappointed. So this is the life I had before? I asked myself.
It came as a shock on some level. I think I have known all this for a while, but I didn't want to know.
I always hope for the best and/or make excuses for people. But today I just showed up and saw 'what is' and it was ugly at times.
I didn't feel any anger toward anyone, at one point I started smiling and giggling to myself because it was so clear. It was as though there were a private joke being told and only I could hear it.
I had some photos and postcards in the car that I was going to bring out and show people, but I didn't.
I didn't want such a beautiful experience as my month in Italy to be spoiled by people shuffling through them. I treasure what happened to me and the beautiful things I saw in Italy, best to keep them private for now.
I have a dear older friend that I am seeing later in the week, I will show her the photos.
I am not going to put myself out there again to be treated poorly. I am not going to assume that it is better to have friends, no matter what they do, than to be alone.
I was alone for most of the month in Italy and I treated myself with respect and honestly. I don't want to change that now.
I used to have this thought that I was lucky that anyone liked me. Now, I know that I am worthy, I have worth, so I am not selling myself cheap anymore. I no longer feel I should just be grateful that anyone likes me.
I am interesting, I am funny, I am kind, I am smart, I am affectionate, I am honest...gee whiz, I'm a really nice person. This is who I found in Italy! I feel so lucky.
As I look at my life, I see it is time to move in another direction. I am no longer tied up with past regrets, depressions, anger, and grief. I am ready to begin again. I don't want to spend time with energy (people) who only want to stand still and be pissed and talk a lot about how things are not going their way. It is perfectly fine that that is what they want to do. I don't.
I am ready to fly, ready to push off, ready to sing.
I am reading a wonderful book that I ordered while I was in Umbertide, Italy after seeing so many goddess figurines and feeling more connected to being a woman. It is called 'The Great Cosmic Mother' by Barbara Mor. The other book I ordered discusses the history of the goddess and shows found objects from ancient history, that one is called 'The Myth of the Goddess:Evolution of an Image" by Jules Cashford.
This trip really fired me up about the goddess. I knew a lot from my many years of mythology study, but this is more personal. It is as though I am finding out a whole new history, about where I come from. There is more to the goddess than worshiped deities, it is the honor of being a woman, the strength, the beauty of my gender. I have never felt that before. I have always felt 'less than' somehow.
In Italy I found that I had shame and embarrassment about being a woman. I was never aware of that before. I am starting to feel comfortable about being me. No apologies, no shame, no trying to be more like a man to earn respect. Why should I try to be anything other than what I am?
Today was a tough day...
and a liberating day. I continue to learn, I continue to show up.
Now back to reading and underlining, oh I am in heaven.
I was looking forward to today as there was a big fall festival gathering at a nearby organic farm and many of my friends would be there.
The first thing I noticed was that I had changed. I was more myself, more of a 3D person less of a "what should I be, how should I act" 2D person. I didn't make a big fuss about what to wear nor did I imagine any scenarios in my head. I just showed up, like I did in Italy.
I feel this sense of strength, not physical, rather soulful. It felt as though I filled out my space, I didn't have to make myself small and I didn't have any self-conscious thoughts. I felt good, I didn't need to look in the mirror or at a reflection in a car window. I know who I am.
I was excited to see several people, but it was quite disappointing. Instead of a genuine "How was Italy!?" question, there was a kind of "Hey you're back, here what's been going on with me" thing.
Did going away for a month make some people feel bad? Are some people so clueless as to think that it was a good idea to launch into negative soap opera-style news today?
I was really taken back to how my life used to be, being the good listening friend and accepting the emotional dumping of others. It felt yukky, it was heavy, it was a downer and none of it was mine. Why add this to my life? These people did fine while I was away. I am not going back to that behavior, I have grown up, I don't need to caretake or mother people anymore. Nope.
The few people who were genuinely happy for me, were not who I expected but I am very grateful to them.
Four of my friends play in band and I danced today, which felt good. I danced as much as I could. I need it, my body needed it. I did that for me, that was what I needed to do and I did it. This felt similar to who I was in Italy, following the muses rather than logic or fears or negative thoughts about who I am/what I look like.
On the drive home I was sad and disappointed. So this is the life I had before? I asked myself.
It came as a shock on some level. I think I have known all this for a while, but I didn't want to know.
I always hope for the best and/or make excuses for people. But today I just showed up and saw 'what is' and it was ugly at times.
I didn't feel any anger toward anyone, at one point I started smiling and giggling to myself because it was so clear. It was as though there were a private joke being told and only I could hear it.
I had some photos and postcards in the car that I was going to bring out and show people, but I didn't.
I didn't want such a beautiful experience as my month in Italy to be spoiled by people shuffling through them. I treasure what happened to me and the beautiful things I saw in Italy, best to keep them private for now.
I have a dear older friend that I am seeing later in the week, I will show her the photos.
I am not going to put myself out there again to be treated poorly. I am not going to assume that it is better to have friends, no matter what they do, than to be alone.
I was alone for most of the month in Italy and I treated myself with respect and honestly. I don't want to change that now.
I used to have this thought that I was lucky that anyone liked me. Now, I know that I am worthy, I have worth, so I am not selling myself cheap anymore. I no longer feel I should just be grateful that anyone likes me.
I am interesting, I am funny, I am kind, I am smart, I am affectionate, I am honest...gee whiz, I'm a really nice person. This is who I found in Italy! I feel so lucky.
As I look at my life, I see it is time to move in another direction. I am no longer tied up with past regrets, depressions, anger, and grief. I am ready to begin again. I don't want to spend time with energy (people) who only want to stand still and be pissed and talk a lot about how things are not going their way. It is perfectly fine that that is what they want to do. I don't.
I am ready to fly, ready to push off, ready to sing.
I am reading a wonderful book that I ordered while I was in Umbertide, Italy after seeing so many goddess figurines and feeling more connected to being a woman. It is called 'The Great Cosmic Mother' by Barbara Mor. The other book I ordered discusses the history of the goddess and shows found objects from ancient history, that one is called 'The Myth of the Goddess:Evolution of an Image" by Jules Cashford.
This trip really fired me up about the goddess. I knew a lot from my many years of mythology study, but this is more personal. It is as though I am finding out a whole new history, about where I come from. There is more to the goddess than worshiped deities, it is the honor of being a woman, the strength, the beauty of my gender. I have never felt that before. I have always felt 'less than' somehow.
In Italy I found that I had shame and embarrassment about being a woman. I was never aware of that before. I am starting to feel comfortable about being me. No apologies, no shame, no trying to be more like a man to earn respect. Why should I try to be anything other than what I am?
Today was a tough day...
and a liberating day. I continue to learn, I continue to show up.
Now back to reading and underlining, oh I am in heaven.
Thursday, October 4, 2012
simmering thoughts
I am home.
My sleep patterns are still foreign, but I am moving closer to EST.
I downloaded over 1200 photos tonight. Looking back at them, it was like watching a recap of a favorite movie. The buildings, the food, the wearing of a new scarf, the steps, the train, the goddess sculptures, the landscapes, and the changing me.
I can see the softness come over my expressions over the first 2 weeks. I see the smile pop up late in week 3. I see the confidence and playful smirks in week 4.
It is after 2am and I am sitting on the couch wondering how I did it. Did I really travel to Italy for a month? I did.
I am tickled with what I have accomplished. I have come home with more than a ton of photos and pretty Italian towels. I came home full; Full of life, full of beauty, full of respect for myself.
I do not know where the courage to take this trip came from. I spent months not letting myself think about it. One statement echoed through my mind all the time, "I'm going to Italy".
I cry thinking about what I did. I left my 2 sons, I left my home, I left all I knew because I had to break free.
I went far away to be able to get close to myself again, close to the tides of life, close to my heart which I couldn't hear anymore.
I had no agenda set for this trip, other than to show up. There were times when I crashed and anxiety washed over me, there were times I didn't know what the hell I was doing there. But I stayed, I showed up, I took one tiny step at a time, I took a breath, and walked over the known edge. I fell, but there was no crash landing. Instead I moved down, deeper into an abyss of sorts. It was where I needed to go. The landing was a soft one, but it was dark and I had to trust my instincts as my senses were of no use.
I wandered. I told myself I could breath. I reminded myself that in the moment, I was fine.
People talk about finding themselves, I don't know what most people do, but for me being in a strange land where hardly anyone spoke my language, living from my center, I heard myself. I experienced myself. I heard things that aren't true or things that I no longer believe. I let them go.
I got lighter and lighter. I cast them off as you would pull off a sweater or a pair of itchy socks.
Soon I was out of the tunnel and there was light. My senses were of use again.
I walked up and down and I looked, just looked. I beheld the beauty of life, even in its ugliness.
I have felt led from the beginning. Maybe not led, but embraced. I learned to be still and then go with the wind-like gentle energy without thinking it over. I moved with it. It felt comfortable, cozy and real.
I am heading back into this world tomorrow. I am meeting a friend for lunch. The changes and experiences I had go with me. I am not going to announce all that happened, nor am I going to act like my old self. I will be me, I stay open so I can feel the breezes, which move me.
It still feels surreal to me, even sitting here tonight does.
Am I back? Yes and no. I am here, but I left many things in Italy, across the ocean. Things that no longer serve me or any healthy purpose. I left my strict, cruel judge who was always telling me how fat and ugly I was. I left behind the need to appreciated and liked by other people. I left behind the sense of not belonging, of being a misfit.
When I left for Italy, I was a mother, first and foremost. Now I am a human being, first and foremost.
I have been deeply moved by the hundreds of statues of women I saw, angels, goddesses, cherubs, etc.
I am part of a powerful and honored gender and I will no longer apologize for being a woman. I also refuse to accept any blame for sin or for what men do.
What I found that was so special in me, I know exists in everyone. I need to remind myself of that, especially when I am impatient.
We are all capable of incredible growth. Some of us get to do it and write about it.
I am home. I am in known territory. This is the beginning of something wonderful, something new, and I am prepared for the journey.
My sleep patterns are still foreign, but I am moving closer to EST.
I downloaded over 1200 photos tonight. Looking back at them, it was like watching a recap of a favorite movie. The buildings, the food, the wearing of a new scarf, the steps, the train, the goddess sculptures, the landscapes, and the changing me.
I can see the softness come over my expressions over the first 2 weeks. I see the smile pop up late in week 3. I see the confidence and playful smirks in week 4.
It is after 2am and I am sitting on the couch wondering how I did it. Did I really travel to Italy for a month? I did.
I am tickled with what I have accomplished. I have come home with more than a ton of photos and pretty Italian towels. I came home full; Full of life, full of beauty, full of respect for myself.
I do not know where the courage to take this trip came from. I spent months not letting myself think about it. One statement echoed through my mind all the time, "I'm going to Italy".
I cry thinking about what I did. I left my 2 sons, I left my home, I left all I knew because I had to break free.
I went far away to be able to get close to myself again, close to the tides of life, close to my heart which I couldn't hear anymore.
I had no agenda set for this trip, other than to show up. There were times when I crashed and anxiety washed over me, there were times I didn't know what the hell I was doing there. But I stayed, I showed up, I took one tiny step at a time, I took a breath, and walked over the known edge. I fell, but there was no crash landing. Instead I moved down, deeper into an abyss of sorts. It was where I needed to go. The landing was a soft one, but it was dark and I had to trust my instincts as my senses were of no use.
I wandered. I told myself I could breath. I reminded myself that in the moment, I was fine.
People talk about finding themselves, I don't know what most people do, but for me being in a strange land where hardly anyone spoke my language, living from my center, I heard myself. I experienced myself. I heard things that aren't true or things that I no longer believe. I let them go.
I got lighter and lighter. I cast them off as you would pull off a sweater or a pair of itchy socks.
Soon I was out of the tunnel and there was light. My senses were of use again.
I walked up and down and I looked, just looked. I beheld the beauty of life, even in its ugliness.
I have felt led from the beginning. Maybe not led, but embraced. I learned to be still and then go with the wind-like gentle energy without thinking it over. I moved with it. It felt comfortable, cozy and real.
I am heading back into this world tomorrow. I am meeting a friend for lunch. The changes and experiences I had go with me. I am not going to announce all that happened, nor am I going to act like my old self. I will be me, I stay open so I can feel the breezes, which move me.
It still feels surreal to me, even sitting here tonight does.
Am I back? Yes and no. I am here, but I left many things in Italy, across the ocean. Things that no longer serve me or any healthy purpose. I left my strict, cruel judge who was always telling me how fat and ugly I was. I left behind the need to appreciated and liked by other people. I left behind the sense of not belonging, of being a misfit.
When I left for Italy, I was a mother, first and foremost. Now I am a human being, first and foremost.
I have been deeply moved by the hundreds of statues of women I saw, angels, goddesses, cherubs, etc.
I am part of a powerful and honored gender and I will no longer apologize for being a woman. I also refuse to accept any blame for sin or for what men do.
What I found that was so special in me, I know exists in everyone. I need to remind myself of that, especially when I am impatient.
We are all capable of incredible growth. Some of us get to do it and write about it.
I am home. I am in known territory. This is the beginning of something wonderful, something new, and I am prepared for the journey.
autumn in VT
I got home after midnight, early Wednesday morning. My boys told me they hardly recognized me. I lost a few pounds I guess. They loved the haircut too.
It was odd coming home, as the bus drove through towns that I knew, I couldn't place the towns.
It was as though I was still in Italy, my mind couldn't see what was really there. Perhaps this is what they mean by jet lag? I thought it just meant being tired.
I came home on a dark rainy night but when I walked into the house all I thought of was how big it is. (and my american standards, it is a small house, 2B and 1b)
I went through my luggage to give my boys there gifts.
I was a bit wired.
I finally go to bed after 2am and I wake up around 5am and I don't know where the hell I am. I stare out my bedroom window and I am thinking I am in a museum in Rome somewhere. I've never taken LSD or anything, but it was a very strange thing.
My first day back and I have a dr appt at 2pm. My boys have work. I don't want to go into the village to get mail becasue I am not ready to see anyone yet. I am not ready for the questions about my vacation. It wasn't a vacation. It was a...spiritual journey? No, that sounds to formal.
It was a sabbatical, I think that says it, although not really.
I don't know how to deal with it with other people. I am not about to tell them the deeper meaning of it, but I don't want to phony or fake about it either. I'll just take it as it comes.
I went to bed around 9pm and woke up at 11pm and called out for someone. I was very disoriented. My oldest son came in and took my hand and told me I was home in VT in my bedroom, everything was okay. It took a few minutes, but the anxiety of being 'nowhere' subsided. I told him I didn't mean to scare him but I wasn't sure where I was, nothing looked familiar. He said he was fine.
I fell back to sleep and woke up at 6:30, feeling for the first time, I knew where I was. The morning glories out on the deck, outside my bay window are still blooming, despite the cold wet weather. It was a lovely way to start my 'first' day back.
I guess I do look different. I think walking so much for a month toned me up and I did lose 5 pounds, despite all the pork, cheese and gelato.
Nice.
I am home and yet I am not. The woman who left here on August 31st, I am not her anymore. She is a part of me, but there is a more mature, more silly, less self-conscious, more aware woman now.
I feel completed in some way. My journey there and back again, is beyond description.
Oh and the way I lived in Italy, following the muse, following life energies in the moment...I wasn't sure I would be able to do it at home too.
I can.
When I left the house yesterday to go to the hospital, there were 2 white-tailed deer very close to the house. I have lived here for more than 10 years and I have never seen deer come so close to the house. They looked up at me, and then put their graceful heads back down to eat clover.
I went into the house and got my handy dandy camera and took a photo and filmed them. As I closed the front door to leave, they took off.
That was a sign to me that that spontaneous life, they way of being open to life, letting it lead me to the next thing is still alive. I didn't lose it on reentry.
I feel so blessed, so lucky.
Also, it is peak in VT. The colors of the leaves 'pop' for a day or two every year. Unless you live here, you wouldn't notice. There is a tree on the corner of the property that looks like it is on fire, deep orange. Fabulous!
Classic autumn day again today.
How lucky can one person get? Pretty damn lucky.
It was odd coming home, as the bus drove through towns that I knew, I couldn't place the towns.
It was as though I was still in Italy, my mind couldn't see what was really there. Perhaps this is what they mean by jet lag? I thought it just meant being tired.
I came home on a dark rainy night but when I walked into the house all I thought of was how big it is. (and my american standards, it is a small house, 2B and 1b)
I went through my luggage to give my boys there gifts.
I was a bit wired.
I finally go to bed after 2am and I wake up around 5am and I don't know where the hell I am. I stare out my bedroom window and I am thinking I am in a museum in Rome somewhere. I've never taken LSD or anything, but it was a very strange thing.
My first day back and I have a dr appt at 2pm. My boys have work. I don't want to go into the village to get mail becasue I am not ready to see anyone yet. I am not ready for the questions about my vacation. It wasn't a vacation. It was a...spiritual journey? No, that sounds to formal.
It was a sabbatical, I think that says it, although not really.
I don't know how to deal with it with other people. I am not about to tell them the deeper meaning of it, but I don't want to phony or fake about it either. I'll just take it as it comes.
I went to bed around 9pm and woke up at 11pm and called out for someone. I was very disoriented. My oldest son came in and took my hand and told me I was home in VT in my bedroom, everything was okay. It took a few minutes, but the anxiety of being 'nowhere' subsided. I told him I didn't mean to scare him but I wasn't sure where I was, nothing looked familiar. He said he was fine.
I fell back to sleep and woke up at 6:30, feeling for the first time, I knew where I was. The morning glories out on the deck, outside my bay window are still blooming, despite the cold wet weather. It was a lovely way to start my 'first' day back.
I guess I do look different. I think walking so much for a month toned me up and I did lose 5 pounds, despite all the pork, cheese and gelato.
Nice.
I am home and yet I am not. The woman who left here on August 31st, I am not her anymore. She is a part of me, but there is a more mature, more silly, less self-conscious, more aware woman now.
I feel completed in some way. My journey there and back again, is beyond description.
Oh and the way I lived in Italy, following the muse, following life energies in the moment...I wasn't sure I would be able to do it at home too.
I can.
When I left the house yesterday to go to the hospital, there were 2 white-tailed deer very close to the house. I have lived here for more than 10 years and I have never seen deer come so close to the house. They looked up at me, and then put their graceful heads back down to eat clover.
I went into the house and got my handy dandy camera and took a photo and filmed them. As I closed the front door to leave, they took off.
That was a sign to me that that spontaneous life, they way of being open to life, letting it lead me to the next thing is still alive. I didn't lose it on reentry.
I feel so blessed, so lucky.
Also, it is peak in VT. The colors of the leaves 'pop' for a day or two every year. Unless you live here, you wouldn't notice. There is a tree on the corner of the property that looks like it is on fire, deep orange. Fabulous!
Classic autumn day again today.
How lucky can one person get? Pretty damn lucky.
hair and goodbyes
I am here. I am at my gate, well near my gate anyway. There are a bunch of people going to Bukarest in that area now.
I am a few gates down looking out at the HUGE window here.
This is what I dreamed of most of today…getting out of Rome and beginning my trip home.
It is so hectic, being in the airport. I will have to pick up my luggage in Dublin, even though I was told they would keep it for the 15 hr layover. I will ask again when I get there.
I have nothing for customs, so I feel better about that. Why would someone go through all of that just for alcohol or cigs?
I had a great run this morning. I ran down to the big monument and about 2/3 of the way there, I saw the moon to my right. I ran in the dark by the moon. As I got closer, I saw the morning star, Venus to my left. It was intoxicating. I ran with such joy. When I got to the end, there are the ruins from Rome. I ran up the steps and looked out, at the moon to the morning star, to the ruins. Wordless experience.
I said out loud, "Romans lend my your ears" and did a little speech about peace and democracy. (It just happened, Idon't know why)
It was be beyond, beyond.
I sat on one of the nearby stone benches and meditated too. Ahhh...
I hung out there for about 20 minutes, until it was light and I could hardily make out the morning star anymore.
On my way back to the hotel, I ran back past one of the Egyptian pointing things. (tired, can't think of words)
I ran over to the statue just past the Spanish Steps. It was along run. I stopped for my morning espresso macchiato.
Packing up took a bit longer. I was excited about having breakfast at the nice place in San lucina. The man even remembered "no pane" (I left him a 2 euro tip)
I did a lot of writing when I was there, lots of thought came to me today. I was surprised how clear certain things became, about women here, about what I want to take away from Italy and what i am really glad i am not taking back from Italy.
i went to the hair salon, nervous but kind of giggly too. It was unassuming and small but Fedrico was relaxed and genuine. None of this "Hello how are you daaarling!"
I was 15 minutes early and he asked me if I could wait a few minutes as he was finishing up some insurance form online.
It felt good to sit and relax after my busy morning.
I asked to use the ladies room…
so i sit down and then, look over to my right and see the toilet.
I am peeing in the bidet. Class eh?! I laughed to myself. Here I am to get this wonderful haircut in Rome and I am peeing in the bidet.
I felt like I was in a my own comedy film.
i am hoping the haircut goes better than this.
About 5 minutes later he stands up, looks at me and announces, "Okay I am all yours now"
"I wish," I think to myself, this man is very handsome man and speaks beautiful English. What a perfect combo for me.
I sit down and we both look at my hair, we both agree, layers and not too short. It was just us in there and very relaxed. I don't think I have ever had that kind of experience in a salon before, ever!
He cuts as though he were Edward Sissorhands, like an artist who knows where he is going, even though no one else can see the path.
He keeps feeling my hair, messing it up to see how it moves, then cuts some more. lays, All the while he is telling me about his time in Calif and his family, 2 boys, life in Rome with his parents, it was great.
He finished up and blow dries it.
it looks superb…beyond that. It is the most beautiful cut i have ever had and he is a born hairdresser. I am spoiled for life NOW.
People like him really exist, and I thought it was only in my dreams. Finding people who are good at what they do, it isn't easy, but it is well worth the wait.
I walk out of there, into the Piazza Popolo and badda-bing badda-boom, I am someone else. It felt lovely and freeing.
I walked around looking into shop windows just so I could see my reflection, I hardly recognized myself. An excellent haircut does wonders.
---The next 3 hours were horrible. It was hot and sticky, every place I went to was crowded and I had no place to go as I had already signed out of the hotel and they were holding my luggage. Finally after walking for far too long, I went back to the hotel and sat outside at one of the tables. I really didn't want to give them anymore of my money, but I ordered a cappuccino.
The car service picked me up and off to the airport. Step one on a long journey home.
---It is almost 7pm and I AM SO GLAD TO BE OUT OF ROME It was beautiful but it is intense. I didn't realize what a fishbowl I was in until we finally got out of the city centro.
Umbria is more my style, for future visits.
i am here. i am on my way home.
It feels so good…even better than my haircut.
Oh and a good looking man who passed me by in security, called me bella. That was a nice touch as I was leaving the eternal city.
My flight leaves in 90 minutes.
I wonder if there is someplace to eat around here. i didn't think to hang out at the main part of the airport. i just wanted to get to my gate. which is far away, you have to take a shuttle and then 2 escalators. people need a boarding pass to be here, so I should be pretty safe.
It feels like a Sunday here, things are closed.
That man on the check in line, said there was going to be a strike here tomorrow at the airport. Oh i would have cried if things were cancelled.
I should be at the hotel in Dublin by 12:30?? Asleep by 2? Up at 6? 7-12 walk around? That sounds good.
I am going home, I am going home, I AM going HOME.
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