"What's the matter?"

This statement is haunting me today.

Whenever their is a pause in the day, I hear myself asking me this question.

What IS the matter?

Why do I feel so lost?  Why do I feel as though I am all alone in the world?
Why do I feel doomed?

I have been busy today taking care of the travel plans of my two sons.  The oldest is going on a 5 month backpacking trip in March and the other is flying to England in the fall.

I am emptying out..in more ways than one:
I am spending the little savings I have on them.
I am giving my energy/ideas/enthusiasm to them.

In some way, I am done.  I am old and its time to let the next generation have their shot.
I am pulling back, using myself as a cane for others, helping them move forward and out of the nest.

What am I doing for me?  Where the hell am I?

I start teaching in 2 days.  I am not even excited and I LOVE to teach this course.  (Mythology to adults students)

I am melting away somehow even though I have gained 8 pounds since my return from Italy.

I don't know.

I don't understand.

I live in a box, sitting on a couch, with a box that lights up on my lap.
Where is nature?  How have I become this machine?

What's the matter?  I'm dead, that what.  This is surviving.  I look at the day, do what I need to do, and them hide on my couch, looking forward to getting into my clean soft bed.

I need to move.  Literally and figuratively.  

It is time to go.

How, where, when?  No clue.

As my mother always says, "Just show up".

Here I am world, here I am.