still running

There was very light snow this morning, but I got up and put on my running gear anyway.
It was a tough run.  It was hard because my legs were heavy and the new knee support felt weird.  It was also difficult because I am running in snow-mush on the side of the roads.

Halfway through the run I said out loud "Help" in a calm voice.  I didn't think I was going to make it.

I don't think I am going to make a lot of things in my life, but I do.  I did again today.

I feel better for having done it.  I always do when it comes to running.

I am not sure why it clears my mind especially since I am often telling myself "I have no energy to keep going".

I also see the trees and feel the air.  My focus falls to my breath from time to time too.

A part of me is in awe that I am even out there.  As cars go by I realize I am doing 'my thing'.
It feels good.

I have not heard back from my 2 friends, the ones I spoke with on Friday.  I try not to check email too often.  I have also not posted anything on FB.  I don't why.  It seems important to do nothing, to let this be.  This is not like me., I usually want to get in there and DO something, fix something. Not this time.

I was supposed to go to a gathering last night but at the last minute I decided to stay home.  I wasn't depressed.  I wanted to stay home and save my energy for today's run. I also realized that the people there are friends from the past and I saw them all at a New Years Day sledding party a week ago.  I would of ended up putting out more energy being social, more energy than I have right now.  That group of people I left years ago, tied up with homeschooling.

The decision made itself and I didn't fight it.

I watched a wonderful film called "Pina"  about a German choreographer and her dance troop.  It was a visually beautiful film.

I am alright on my own.  It isn't as bad as it sounds not to have close friends.

An acquaintance I know, we have reconnected recently due to my interest in starting a women's group.  We are meeting tonight to go see "Lincoln".    I have walked away from established friendships.  I am walking toward new relationships.

The running helps...it is teaching me that no matter how I feel, I can keep moving forward and amazingly, I feel better when I am done.