tough truths

I just got finished having a conversation with a my closest friend.  I had to tell her why I was not around lately.  I told her how concerned I was about her husband's drinking and her denials, and how much it was effecting their children.

I have been struggling with how to deal with this for over an year.
I cried. I was honest. I listened.

I feel like shit.

But there is also this lightness, this openness that I am sensing.

I know the kind of friend she needs me to be.  I am not she.

I don't want to be her anymore, the one who pretends all is well.
I've hidden from this situation for a long time.  I didn't want to lose their friendship.

It's hard to let go.  It's hard to say what I feel, what I think.

Have I been a good friend?  I don't know.

I don't feel any better.  I don't think I have helped them.

But this I know, I don't want to witness it anymore.  I don't want to not see what I see, no hear what I hear.

When I look at who I am and look at who they are, we do not fit.  It hurts.

I've hurt people I care about too.

I wanted them to be honest, to deal with their life.  So I did it first...I was honest and I dealt with my life.

It's ugly and uncomfortable, but so was watching him drink, watching her deny, watching the kids act out and watching me pretend nothing was happening.

I want to help, I want to make it better.  It's not my place to tell them how to live their life.  But it is my place to tell them how I want to live my life.

Being honest has given me a sense of self, grounded and anchored.  It has also ended every close friendship  I had.  

Sad.  Sad.  Sad.    But it's done.  I did the hard thing.  I walked through a huge fear door. I made it to the other side...alone.