won't stop. No matter what she says, no matter what the two other women say at the table, she makes this forced laugh. I am in a cafe trying to concentrate and it's been almost an hour, she's still at it. There are also these uncomfortable pauses at that table of 3. They keep having to kick start the conversation, it's like CPR. "Okay, clear...boom! Still no topic to discuss, okay a higher dose, clear, BOOM".
I wonder how many times in my life have I sat there straining to find something to talk about?
How many times have I faked a laugh (not like hers, not that loud and constant) while someone who I didn't have anything in common with spoke?
I have done it more than I would like to admit.
How many people have done that to me? Aww, that hurts.
Yesterday I finally heard from the friend who I spoke to on Friday, she was formal and thoughtful.
"I'm glad we've been friends, we come into each other's lives for a reason..." that kind of thing.
At first I was annoyed. I was hoping she was going to see things the way I did, go to therapy, start being introspective. Talk about a big ego eh? Why do I assume everyone wants what I want? Why do I think everyone wants to grow and challenge themselves? Why do I think it's not okay for people to be who they are?
In psychology it is called projection, we project (like a movie film on a big screen) our inner struggles onto others. I wanted her to be honest, so I was finally honest. She didn't care for it. Why would she, that is not what our friendship was about?
The paths we travel in life are a mystery. As I get older I see mine has always been about learning, challenging, changing. I am one of those "meaning-makers" always searching, always pushing myself to expand.
This is only one of the many paths available.
I don't like people who push their views on others. Is that what I did? I think (hope) what I did was to state my view was and that I didn't want to stay around. Ah, I also said I was concerned about her children. Ouch, I think that one hurt, but it was said with concern and kindness.
So I started yesterday reading her email and feeling pissed. As I headed out to teach my first class on mythology, driving on the interstate, I found myself feeling relieved. It was a healthy ending to a friendship. I don't have to carry it anymore.
I wish her well and I have no anger towards her. I also forgave myself for leaving. It is okay to end things, to admit that it isn't healthy and you need to go.
Leaving with love, saying good-bye and wishing her every happiness.
My path has veered left. I have stood at the crossroads long enough. Saying goodbye to people is sad. Remember in "The Wizard of Oz" when Dorothy realizes she has the power to go home (ruby slippers) and she has to say goodbye to her friends. Well, ending my friendship with this person was akin to saying goodbye to the scarecrow.
Today I ran my new personal best, 2.5 miles. I had a wonderful time teaching my new class yesterday.
Unbelievably, I feel good. I feel whole.
I've let go. I've leapt without a net. I'm okay...better than okay, I am me. No fake laughs needed.
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