Another rock in the wheelbarrow

I cried this morning. I cried because the weight of life feels to heavy for one person to carry.
The newest rock (boulder?) is that something is wrong with my knee.
On Saturday I stood up and pivoted while at a cafe and BOOM there was pain.

I've iced it, rested it, taken morton...nothing!  It is getting worse.  I finally caved in and call the dr yesterday. I have an appt this afternoon.

I stood in the kitchen this morning in front of my children (15 and 17) and told them what was going on.  I didn't like the feeling that there was tension in the house. I wanted to speak to the truth.

I don't expect them to fix it and I am always cognizant of not 'parentalizing' them as often happens in divorced families. I also don't like the dysfunction of the "elephant in the room" that everyone feels but no one addresses clearly.

FOr the last three mornings I have had trouble getting out of bed, not in a depressed way, but in a "life means physical pain" kind of way.

This also means no running for a while.  Running has been my joy this past year.  NO matter how sick, no matter how sad the news of having a chronic illness that has no cure, I ran.

I told myself I'd run until I couldn't.  I NEVER imagined it would be so soon.

Part of my illness is that my joint are alway inflamed so they are very susceptible  to injury.  I tore my rotator cuff in June, I've been working hard to deal with it without surgery.  PT and acupunture have made it livable, I am okay with livable.

Now this.

I could easily laugh at all this too because on one level it is funny, ridiculous;y funny.

On the other hand, it is sad.

I live with a good share of pain.  I have adjusted that this is my new normal.  I am being asked to readjust due to other aspects of the illness and now the knee...my knee.

I know that most likely the illness will lead to having trouble walking, so it is important to me that I am active for as long as I can be.

There are good things in life too:  I am teaching a course on mythology and symbology that I LOVE.
I am interviewing tomorrow for a job teaching a workshop this spring at a women's center.  My oldest son is getting ready to hike the Appalachian Trail for 4 months, my youngest will be getting his driver's license in April.

Changes, changes, changes.

I am not sure I up to the tasks ahead of me.  As I watch my body fail, fall apart from the inside, I feel as though I am actively dying.

To the world I look fine, the pain I feel, the pain I ignore, the pain I deny is winning.  The energy pull of the pain is taking a larger and lager toll on me, emotionally and spiritually.

I have made big changes of late.  I left friends, I've started new projects, I signed away my full portion of the house equity, I am trying to find work, I am supporting my children with their dreams.

I show up.  I keep going.  I know I am needed still for my children as they transition into adulthood.

I don't feel confident I can support myself.  Why is my body so ill? What have I done wrong?

I grieve the loss of health.  I grieve the loss of who I used to be.  I am tired of the pain.  I don't like drugs and meds, so I won't go that route.

Life is such a puzzle.  As I have grown up and made scary decisions, as I have walked through fear doors, as I have opened up to who I am and what that means, as I have felt compassion for others, as I have been honest, as I taken what was thrown my way with a modicum of grace, the physical pain increases.  There is nowhere to hide. There is no one to help me carry this burden.

I don't know anymore. (did I ever?)

 I don't understand.  

I don't like this.

I am fumbling.

I typed up my notes for class tomorrow, I have my dr apt in 3 hours. I'll take it as it comes.
What else can I do?