http://vtbuddha.blogspot.com

This is the new blog.  This is where I will posting for now on...the continuing saga of a seeker's life.
I hope to meet you there.  I'll miss this blog, it's been a part of me since Italy.  Grazie, grazie.  :)

new blog title soon

Thank you for the suggestion to rename my blog.  It is different from the original blog.
I hope I figure out how to do it.
Wish me luck.

Another rock in the wheelbarrow

I cried this morning. I cried because the weight of life feels to heavy for one person to carry.
The newest rock (boulder?) is that something is wrong with my knee.
On Saturday I stood up and pivoted while at a cafe and BOOM there was pain.

I've iced it, rested it, taken morton...nothing!  It is getting worse.  I finally caved in and call the dr yesterday. I have an appt this afternoon.

I stood in the kitchen this morning in front of my children (15 and 17) and told them what was going on.  I didn't like the feeling that there was tension in the house. I wanted to speak to the truth.

I don't expect them to fix it and I am always cognizant of not 'parentalizing' them as often happens in divorced families. I also don't like the dysfunction of the "elephant in the room" that everyone feels but no one addresses clearly.

FOr the last three mornings I have had trouble getting out of bed, not in a depressed way, but in a "life means physical pain" kind of way.

This also means no running for a while.  Running has been my joy this past year.  NO matter how sick, no matter how sad the news of having a chronic illness that has no cure, I ran.

I told myself I'd run until I couldn't.  I NEVER imagined it would be so soon.

Part of my illness is that my joint are alway inflamed so they are very susceptible  to injury.  I tore my rotator cuff in June, I've been working hard to deal with it without surgery.  PT and acupunture have made it livable, I am okay with livable.

Now this.

I could easily laugh at all this too because on one level it is funny, ridiculous;y funny.

On the other hand, it is sad.

I live with a good share of pain.  I have adjusted that this is my new normal.  I am being asked to readjust due to other aspects of the illness and now the knee...my knee.

I know that most likely the illness will lead to having trouble walking, so it is important to me that I am active for as long as I can be.

There are good things in life too:  I am teaching a course on mythology and symbology that I LOVE.
I am interviewing tomorrow for a job teaching a workshop this spring at a women's center.  My oldest son is getting ready to hike the Appalachian Trail for 4 months, my youngest will be getting his driver's license in April.

Changes, changes, changes.

I am not sure I up to the tasks ahead of me.  As I watch my body fail, fall apart from the inside, I feel as though I am actively dying.

To the world I look fine, the pain I feel, the pain I ignore, the pain I deny is winning.  The energy pull of the pain is taking a larger and lager toll on me, emotionally and spiritually.

I have made big changes of late.  I left friends, I've started new projects, I signed away my full portion of the house equity, I am trying to find work, I am supporting my children with their dreams.

I show up.  I keep going.  I know I am needed still for my children as they transition into adulthood.

I don't feel confident I can support myself.  Why is my body so ill? What have I done wrong?

I grieve the loss of health.  I grieve the loss of who I used to be.  I am tired of the pain.  I don't like drugs and meds, so I won't go that route.

Life is such a puzzle.  As I have grown up and made scary decisions, as I have walked through fear doors, as I have opened up to who I am and what that means, as I have felt compassion for others, as I have been honest, as I taken what was thrown my way with a modicum of grace, the physical pain increases.  There is nowhere to hide. There is no one to help me carry this burden.

I don't know anymore. (did I ever?)

 I don't understand.  

I don't like this.

I am fumbling.

I typed up my notes for class tomorrow, I have my dr apt in 3 hours. I'll take it as it comes.
What else can I do?    

whatcha think?

For the 6 to 10 of you who read my posts, I am wondering if you still care to go on reading my stuff?

I will continue to write regardless, but I am this way/that way about posting it here.

It helps to know someone is reading it, but maybe these 6 to 10 hits are just accidents for all I know.

I wanted to hear a yea or nah on continuing.

I will be deleting my old stuff in a few days.

As for life these days, I feel much more free since I've ended the last of my old friendships. It continues to surprise me how positive this turned out.  I wonder if it is a positive thing for them too?  I hope so.  Maybe they felt the heaviness of the relationship too.

An odd thing happened last night, I felt as though I were spreading apart...dissolving.  I am not crazy, nor was I intoxicated by any means.  I have been making a lot of healthy changes and it was new moon, where I set a new intention for things.  It was a queer feeling, as though whatever particles make me up were moving apart.  The universe is expanding too...it was like that, but it was just me walking through the kitchen.

I'm tired today.  My illness is acting up and the pain takes its toll.

I've done a lot this week, A LOT.   I feel all the better for it.  I am fortunate.  It seems the more fear doorways I pass through, the more contentment I am capable of feeling.

I have no friends to call my own.  It's okay, really okay.  I feel sure that good things are just around the corner.  May peace be upon us all, eh?

That laughing lady...

won't stop. No matter what she says, no matter what the two other women say at the table, she makes this forced laugh.  I am in a cafe trying to concentrate and it's been almost an hour, she's still at it.  There are also these uncomfortable pauses at that table of 3.  They keep having to kick start the conversation, it's like CPR.  "Okay, clear...boom! Still no topic to discuss, okay a higher dose, clear, BOOM".

I wonder how many times in my life have I sat there straining to find something to talk about?
How many times have I faked a laugh (not like hers, not that loud and constant) while someone who I didn't have anything in common with spoke?

I have done it more than I would like to admit.

How many people have done that to me?  Aww, that hurts.

Yesterday I finally heard from the friend who I spoke to on Friday, she was formal and thoughtful.
"I'm glad we've been friends, we come into each other's lives for a reason..." that kind of thing.

At first I was annoyed.  I was hoping she was going to see things the way I did, go to therapy, start being introspective.  Talk about a big ego eh?  Why do I assume everyone wants what I want?  Why do I think everyone wants to grow and challenge themselves?  Why do I think it's not okay for people to be who they are?

In psychology it is called projection, we project (like a movie film on a big screen) our inner struggles onto others.  I wanted her to be honest, so I was finally honest.  She didn't care for it.  Why would she, that is not what our friendship was about?

The paths we travel in life are a mystery.  As I get older I see mine has always been about learning, challenging, changing.  I am one of those "meaning-makers" always searching, always pushing myself to expand.

This is only one of the many paths available.

I don't like people who push their views on others.  Is that what I did?  I think (hope) what I did was to state my view was and that I didn't want to stay around.  Ah, I also said I was concerned about her children.  Ouch, I think that one hurt, but it was said with concern and kindness.

So I started yesterday reading her email and feeling pissed.  As I headed out to teach my first class on mythology, driving on the interstate, I found myself feeling relieved.  It was a healthy ending to a friendship.  I don't have to carry it anymore.

I wish her well and I have no anger towards her.  I also forgave myself for leaving.  It is okay to end things, to admit that it isn't healthy and you need to go.

Leaving with love, saying good-bye and wishing her every happiness.

My path has veered left.  I have stood at the crossroads long enough.  Saying goodbye to people is sad. Remember in "The Wizard of Oz" when Dorothy realizes she has the power to go home (ruby slippers) and she has to say goodbye to her friends.  Well, ending my friendship with this person was akin to  saying goodbye to the scarecrow.

Today I ran my new personal best, 2.5 miles.  I had a wonderful time teaching my new class yesterday.
Unbelievably, I feel good.  I feel whole.

 I've let go.  I've leapt without a net.  I'm okay...better than okay, I am me.  No fake laughs needed.

"What's the matter?"

This statement is haunting me today.

Whenever their is a pause in the day, I hear myself asking me this question.

What IS the matter?

Why do I feel so lost?  Why do I feel as though I am all alone in the world?
Why do I feel doomed?

I have been busy today taking care of the travel plans of my two sons.  The oldest is going on a 5 month backpacking trip in March and the other is flying to England in the fall.

I am emptying out..in more ways than one:
I am spending the little savings I have on them.
I am giving my energy/ideas/enthusiasm to them.

In some way, I am done.  I am old and its time to let the next generation have their shot.
I am pulling back, using myself as a cane for others, helping them move forward and out of the nest.

What am I doing for me?  Where the hell am I?

I start teaching in 2 days.  I am not even excited and I LOVE to teach this course.  (Mythology to adults students)

I am melting away somehow even though I have gained 8 pounds since my return from Italy.

I don't know.

I don't understand.

I live in a box, sitting on a couch, with a box that lights up on my lap.
Where is nature?  How have I become this machine?

What's the matter?  I'm dead, that what.  This is surviving.  I look at the day, do what I need to do, and them hide on my couch, looking forward to getting into my clean soft bed.

I need to move.  Literally and figuratively.  

It is time to go.

How, where, when?  No clue.

As my mother always says, "Just show up".

Here I am world, here I am.

still blogging?

I started this blog as a way to remember my month in Italy.  I have been home for 3 months yet I have grown attached to it.

I am not sure why I am still writing.  I write it to myself anyway.

I supposed the time has come to let this go.  It makes me sad.

With all that is going on, I'll wait a few days.

Another letting go, another loss. .I'm not ready.

I'm heading to bed.

still running

There was very light snow this morning, but I got up and put on my running gear anyway.
It was a tough run.  It was hard because my legs were heavy and the new knee support felt weird.  It was also difficult because I am running in snow-mush on the side of the roads.

Halfway through the run I said out loud "Help" in a calm voice.  I didn't think I was going to make it.

I don't think I am going to make a lot of things in my life, but I do.  I did again today.

I feel better for having done it.  I always do when it comes to running.

I am not sure why it clears my mind especially since I am often telling myself "I have no energy to keep going".

I also see the trees and feel the air.  My focus falls to my breath from time to time too.

A part of me is in awe that I am even out there.  As cars go by I realize I am doing 'my thing'.
It feels good.

I have not heard back from my 2 friends, the ones I spoke with on Friday.  I try not to check email too often.  I have also not posted anything on FB.  I don't why.  It seems important to do nothing, to let this be.  This is not like me., I usually want to get in there and DO something, fix something. Not this time.

I was supposed to go to a gathering last night but at the last minute I decided to stay home.  I wasn't depressed.  I wanted to stay home and save my energy for today's run. I also realized that the people there are friends from the past and I saw them all at a New Years Day sledding party a week ago.  I would of ended up putting out more energy being social, more energy than I have right now.  That group of people I left years ago, tied up with homeschooling.

The decision made itself and I didn't fight it.

I watched a wonderful film called "Pina"  about a German choreographer and her dance troop.  It was a visually beautiful film.

I am alright on my own.  It isn't as bad as it sounds not to have close friends.

An acquaintance I know, we have reconnected recently due to my interest in starting a women's group.  We are meeting tonight to go see "Lincoln".    I have walked away from established friendships.  I am walking toward new relationships.

The running helps...it is teaching me that no matter how I feel, I can keep moving forward and amazingly, I feel better when I am done.

the morning after

"Tomorrow is another day" indeed.

Yesterday seemed to stretch out like warm taffy...on and on it went no matter how thin.

I couldn't sleep but 2 episodes of "Downton Abbey" helped get me through the night.

There was an hour or so in the evening where I felt panicky and unattached to life.  I couldn't figure out why I bother  to get up each day.  I don't fit in.  I am getting older. I ache.  I don't have a close friend to confide in.  What have I done?

 I have to end every relationship, every one of them in the past 2 years, including ending a 23 year old marriage.

Intellectually these endings makes sense to me, I entered into relationships as a dotted-line person, bendable and editing my voice to make it palpable to others.  I didn't want to stand out, I wanted to be liked, cared for, to be loved.

I suppose there are relationships that can expand and stretch, allowing for change and growth but my relationships could not.    I could not.  They could not.

I could have hung in there but  I don't want to.  I don't want to witness children acting out because their parents are ignoring them or drinking or both.  I don't want to smile when I feel sad about couples who pretend to be happily married, but I know what's going on at home.  I don't want to act interested in hearing the same old stale stories.

Someone like me, maybe we always end up alone.  I never realized that how I live my life is so far from common.   I ask the hard questions, I pull back the curtain, I hold myself responsible for who I am and being a part of this universe.

I don't have a choice, this is how I think, this is what I see, this is how I breath, how I walk.

I don't want to be like anyone I know, but I very much want to meet someone like me.  Gee that sounds   horrible, so full of myself but I don't mean it that way.  Perhaps we all seek someone like ourselves, is that so wrong?  I've never come close to achieving this because I was never clear on who I am.

I keep going over what I did and said yesterday, wanting to make it my fault.   I wrote 2 draft emails last night, one saying this was all my fault and I was sorry to have caused any pain.  The other was humorous, writing out what I thought they were thinking of me ("pain in the ass, etc.) and how they should not give me a 2nd thought and seek out easy going friends for now on.

I didn't send either of them.  Sometimes doing nothing is the best move. I am doing everything different these days.  Staying silent is nerve-wracking but necessary.  I said my bit, now let it be, give them space.

 I didn't like the feeling that I had stirred up the waters.  I am dealing with people who go to great lengths to keep the surface of the waters calm, still, so no one looks too deeply.

"Who am I to tell them how I feel and what I think?"  This keeps coming up in my mind, pounding away with a punishing tone.

Who am I NOT to tell them how I feel and what I think?   I would be who I was if I did that and I don't want to do that or be her anymore.

So I ended up alone, my big fear.  It's true.

When I came back from Italy I was driven to clean the house, organize and only keep what was needed.  I just realized that I have done the same thing with people in my life.

I am dealing with a clean slate now.  Stripped of everything I leaned on, hid behind, and used as protection, I sit here knowing it's gone.

The universe is a funny place, in the midst of all this yesterday I received a phone call a women's health center to interview for teaching a class in the spring, a woman who I like emailed to meet for lunch, and next week I start teaching my course on mythology.  There is new energy flowing in as well, I need to see more than just loss these days.

Alone, yes.

Beginning...yes that too.

tough truths

I just got finished having a conversation with a my closest friend.  I had to tell her why I was not around lately.  I told her how concerned I was about her husband's drinking and her denials, and how much it was effecting their children.

I have been struggling with how to deal with this for over an year.
I cried. I was honest. I listened.

I feel like shit.

But there is also this lightness, this openness that I am sensing.

I know the kind of friend she needs me to be.  I am not she.

I don't want to be her anymore, the one who pretends all is well.
I've hidden from this situation for a long time.  I didn't want to lose their friendship.

It's hard to let go.  It's hard to say what I feel, what I think.

Have I been a good friend?  I don't know.

I don't feel any better.  I don't think I have helped them.

But this I know, I don't want to witness it anymore.  I don't want to not see what I see, no hear what I hear.

When I look at who I am and look at who they are, we do not fit.  It hurts.

I've hurt people I care about too.

I wanted them to be honest, to deal with their life.  So I did it first...I was honest and I dealt with my life.

It's ugly and uncomfortable, but so was watching him drink, watching her deny, watching the kids act out and watching me pretend nothing was happening.

I want to help, I want to make it better.  It's not my place to tell them how to live their life.  But it is my place to tell them how I want to live my life.

Being honest has given me a sense of self, grounded and anchored.  It has also ended every close friendship  I had.  

Sad.  Sad.  Sad.    But it's done.  I did the hard thing.  I walked through a huge fear door. I made it to the other side...alone.  

accepting what is

Yesterday was a full day.  As I drove down to my acupuncture appt I heard myself saying to myself "I am falling apart".  I wasn't alarmed.  Something in me knew this was a good thing.  Although it sounds scary to think about losing arms and legs, to have pieces fall away like jigsaw pieces, there was a freedom in it too.

It meant that I didn't have to hold it all together anymore.  I didn't have to strain and stay tight holding all these pieces together.   When I stopped all effort, the pieces fell apart.  They didn't fit.  Maybe they never did.

I let myself stand there looking at the parts on the ground.  I thought I would die.  I didn't.

When the pieces fell, I wasn't nothing.  What was left, was me.   Less thick, less troubled, less burdened, less stuck.  It wasn't what I expected.

I told my acupuncturist (I see her rather than have surgery to fix a torn rotator cuff) about a dream I had, a very intense dream.  She told me a few weeks ago that the energy being moved around can cause shifts in many forms, including dreams.

The dream is about me running away from a man, a mafia king type of guy.  I am racing around trying to figure out how to get away from him, where can I go where he won't find me.  I realize he pays off the police and everyone else, I have no resources.  The dream ends with me in another country with a friend realizing fully that there is no rest for me, none, ever.  He will not rest until he gets me back.
There is no where to hide.  No where.      

It was quite a wake up call for me.  Where am I running in my life with such intensity?  I am trying so hard to be other than I am.  I don't want to hurt other people, I don't want to end friendships because then I will have no one.  I've been denying my feelings about things and people.  My mind has been dictating to my heart what to feel, what is okay, who I am, and who I am allowed to be.

I feel what I feel.  I am who I am.  It seems as though it would be so simple but I find it a struggle.  I judge myself and tell myself what I SHOULD feel.  (I AM the mafia guy.)

There is no safe place to run away from the truth.  There is no running away from myself.

There are friendships to end, honest words to be said, and the people I love who do not love me, well, I need to accept it.  Connections are connections, I cannot dictate to my heart who to love.  I've tried, it's ugly.

Loving is not a choice.  What I do with that love, that is a choice.  I will no longer beat myself up over it. I will no longer tell myself it is wrong or a waste of time.  It's been over 2 years now, this isn't a crush or an animus projection.  (I've tried to make it into something else, anything else but love.)

I realized last night, I am fortunate to feel this depth of love.  Regardless of the situation, I can feel it.

It is similar to when you need to tell someone something and you KNOW it will not change anything, but you need to say it for yourself.  This is what this is, I love someone.  How lucky for me, I am capable of love.  Although it is not returned, I do not lose.   In some ways it feels pure, knowing it will never be returned.  To love with no hope of it being returned.  Is this what they mean by unconditional love...when there isn't any gain by it?

Most people love, to be loved in return.  I love because there is no choice.

Now I go on.  The love stays with me and I go on.  The love doesn't have to be a burden, it can be fertile, it can be beautiful.  It is beautiful.

My sisters are dead, but the love I feel for them is still with me.  It grows still.    It's that kind of love.  The love that asks for nothing.  Love for love's sake.

No more running.  No more pushing back what is true.  No more denying who I am and what I feel.

Endings and beginnings...ending friendships and beginning to feel what is.

Starting the new year, new.   Here I am.  I've let the pieces fall.  I'm okay.  I'm real.  I'm grateful.