http://vtbuddha.blogspot.com

This is the new blog.  This is where I will posting for now on...the continuing saga of a seeker's life.
I hope to meet you there.  I'll miss this blog, it's been a part of me since Italy.  Grazie, grazie.  :)

new blog title soon

Thank you for the suggestion to rename my blog.  It is different from the original blog.
I hope I figure out how to do it.
Wish me luck.

Another rock in the wheelbarrow

I cried this morning. I cried because the weight of life feels to heavy for one person to carry.
The newest rock (boulder?) is that something is wrong with my knee.
On Saturday I stood up and pivoted while at a cafe and BOOM there was pain.

I've iced it, rested it, taken morton...nothing!  It is getting worse.  I finally caved in and call the dr yesterday. I have an appt this afternoon.

I stood in the kitchen this morning in front of my children (15 and 17) and told them what was going on.  I didn't like the feeling that there was tension in the house. I wanted to speak to the truth.

I don't expect them to fix it and I am always cognizant of not 'parentalizing' them as often happens in divorced families. I also don't like the dysfunction of the "elephant in the room" that everyone feels but no one addresses clearly.

FOr the last three mornings I have had trouble getting out of bed, not in a depressed way, but in a "life means physical pain" kind of way.

This also means no running for a while.  Running has been my joy this past year.  NO matter how sick, no matter how sad the news of having a chronic illness that has no cure, I ran.

I told myself I'd run until I couldn't.  I NEVER imagined it would be so soon.

Part of my illness is that my joint are alway inflamed so they are very susceptible  to injury.  I tore my rotator cuff in June, I've been working hard to deal with it without surgery.  PT and acupunture have made it livable, I am okay with livable.

Now this.

I could easily laugh at all this too because on one level it is funny, ridiculous;y funny.

On the other hand, it is sad.

I live with a good share of pain.  I have adjusted that this is my new normal.  I am being asked to readjust due to other aspects of the illness and now the knee...my knee.

I know that most likely the illness will lead to having trouble walking, so it is important to me that I am active for as long as I can be.

There are good things in life too:  I am teaching a course on mythology and symbology that I LOVE.
I am interviewing tomorrow for a job teaching a workshop this spring at a women's center.  My oldest son is getting ready to hike the Appalachian Trail for 4 months, my youngest will be getting his driver's license in April.

Changes, changes, changes.

I am not sure I up to the tasks ahead of me.  As I watch my body fail, fall apart from the inside, I feel as though I am actively dying.

To the world I look fine, the pain I feel, the pain I ignore, the pain I deny is winning.  The energy pull of the pain is taking a larger and lager toll on me, emotionally and spiritually.

I have made big changes of late.  I left friends, I've started new projects, I signed away my full portion of the house equity, I am trying to find work, I am supporting my children with their dreams.

I show up.  I keep going.  I know I am needed still for my children as they transition into adulthood.

I don't feel confident I can support myself.  Why is my body so ill? What have I done wrong?

I grieve the loss of health.  I grieve the loss of who I used to be.  I am tired of the pain.  I don't like drugs and meds, so I won't go that route.

Life is such a puzzle.  As I have grown up and made scary decisions, as I have walked through fear doors, as I have opened up to who I am and what that means, as I have felt compassion for others, as I have been honest, as I taken what was thrown my way with a modicum of grace, the physical pain increases.  There is nowhere to hide. There is no one to help me carry this burden.

I don't know anymore. (did I ever?)

 I don't understand.  

I don't like this.

I am fumbling.

I typed up my notes for class tomorrow, I have my dr apt in 3 hours. I'll take it as it comes.
What else can I do?    

whatcha think?

For the 6 to 10 of you who read my posts, I am wondering if you still care to go on reading my stuff?

I will continue to write regardless, but I am this way/that way about posting it here.

It helps to know someone is reading it, but maybe these 6 to 10 hits are just accidents for all I know.

I wanted to hear a yea or nah on continuing.

I will be deleting my old stuff in a few days.

As for life these days, I feel much more free since I've ended the last of my old friendships. It continues to surprise me how positive this turned out.  I wonder if it is a positive thing for them too?  I hope so.  Maybe they felt the heaviness of the relationship too.

An odd thing happened last night, I felt as though I were spreading apart...dissolving.  I am not crazy, nor was I intoxicated by any means.  I have been making a lot of healthy changes and it was new moon, where I set a new intention for things.  It was a queer feeling, as though whatever particles make me up were moving apart.  The universe is expanding too...it was like that, but it was just me walking through the kitchen.

I'm tired today.  My illness is acting up and the pain takes its toll.

I've done a lot this week, A LOT.   I feel all the better for it.  I am fortunate.  It seems the more fear doorways I pass through, the more contentment I am capable of feeling.

I have no friends to call my own.  It's okay, really okay.  I feel sure that good things are just around the corner.  May peace be upon us all, eh?

That laughing lady...

won't stop. No matter what she says, no matter what the two other women say at the table, she makes this forced laugh.  I am in a cafe trying to concentrate and it's been almost an hour, she's still at it.  There are also these uncomfortable pauses at that table of 3.  They keep having to kick start the conversation, it's like CPR.  "Okay, clear...boom! Still no topic to discuss, okay a higher dose, clear, BOOM".

I wonder how many times in my life have I sat there straining to find something to talk about?
How many times have I faked a laugh (not like hers, not that loud and constant) while someone who I didn't have anything in common with spoke?

I have done it more than I would like to admit.

How many people have done that to me?  Aww, that hurts.

Yesterday I finally heard from the friend who I spoke to on Friday, she was formal and thoughtful.
"I'm glad we've been friends, we come into each other's lives for a reason..." that kind of thing.

At first I was annoyed.  I was hoping she was going to see things the way I did, go to therapy, start being introspective.  Talk about a big ego eh?  Why do I assume everyone wants what I want?  Why do I think everyone wants to grow and challenge themselves?  Why do I think it's not okay for people to be who they are?

In psychology it is called projection, we project (like a movie film on a big screen) our inner struggles onto others.  I wanted her to be honest, so I was finally honest.  She didn't care for it.  Why would she, that is not what our friendship was about?

The paths we travel in life are a mystery.  As I get older I see mine has always been about learning, challenging, changing.  I am one of those "meaning-makers" always searching, always pushing myself to expand.

This is only one of the many paths available.

I don't like people who push their views on others.  Is that what I did?  I think (hope) what I did was to state my view was and that I didn't want to stay around.  Ah, I also said I was concerned about her children.  Ouch, I think that one hurt, but it was said with concern and kindness.

So I started yesterday reading her email and feeling pissed.  As I headed out to teach my first class on mythology, driving on the interstate, I found myself feeling relieved.  It was a healthy ending to a friendship.  I don't have to carry it anymore.

I wish her well and I have no anger towards her.  I also forgave myself for leaving.  It is okay to end things, to admit that it isn't healthy and you need to go.

Leaving with love, saying good-bye and wishing her every happiness.

My path has veered left.  I have stood at the crossroads long enough.  Saying goodbye to people is sad. Remember in "The Wizard of Oz" when Dorothy realizes she has the power to go home (ruby slippers) and she has to say goodbye to her friends.  Well, ending my friendship with this person was akin to  saying goodbye to the scarecrow.

Today I ran my new personal best, 2.5 miles.  I had a wonderful time teaching my new class yesterday.
Unbelievably, I feel good.  I feel whole.

 I've let go.  I've leapt without a net.  I'm okay...better than okay, I am me.  No fake laughs needed.

"What's the matter?"

This statement is haunting me today.

Whenever their is a pause in the day, I hear myself asking me this question.

What IS the matter?

Why do I feel so lost?  Why do I feel as though I am all alone in the world?
Why do I feel doomed?

I have been busy today taking care of the travel plans of my two sons.  The oldest is going on a 5 month backpacking trip in March and the other is flying to England in the fall.

I am emptying out..in more ways than one:
I am spending the little savings I have on them.
I am giving my energy/ideas/enthusiasm to them.

In some way, I am done.  I am old and its time to let the next generation have their shot.
I am pulling back, using myself as a cane for others, helping them move forward and out of the nest.

What am I doing for me?  Where the hell am I?

I start teaching in 2 days.  I am not even excited and I LOVE to teach this course.  (Mythology to adults students)

I am melting away somehow even though I have gained 8 pounds since my return from Italy.

I don't know.

I don't understand.

I live in a box, sitting on a couch, with a box that lights up on my lap.
Where is nature?  How have I become this machine?

What's the matter?  I'm dead, that what.  This is surviving.  I look at the day, do what I need to do, and them hide on my couch, looking forward to getting into my clean soft bed.

I need to move.  Literally and figuratively.  

It is time to go.

How, where, when?  No clue.

As my mother always says, "Just show up".

Here I am world, here I am.

still blogging?

I started this blog as a way to remember my month in Italy.  I have been home for 3 months yet I have grown attached to it.

I am not sure why I am still writing.  I write it to myself anyway.

I supposed the time has come to let this go.  It makes me sad.

With all that is going on, I'll wait a few days.

Another letting go, another loss. .I'm not ready.

I'm heading to bed.