Post-Thanksgiving Existential blues

My sons and I went to Long Island, to my mom's tiny apartment, for the holiday.  We bought a VT fresh turkey and the holiday went really well.

The next 5 days weren't as easy.

The TV is a major player at my mom's place.  There is no way to get away from it.  No matter where you sit or stand, other than the bathroom, there IT IS.

My last 2 days there were starting to take a toll.  I call our culture of BUYING and looking PERFECT the matrix.  The shows on TV, the reality ones, the commercials/news/shows of botox-induced women...I started to feel so unconnected that it was bordering on scary.

I look around and can't figure out if anyone is paying attention.  I know there are many smart people in the world, a lot smarter than me, yet I don't see it  in the day-to-day stuff.

I find myself shaking my head in utter amazement or utter disgust.   I feel very alone.

I stand there and want to shout "The emperor has NO CLOTHES!!!!  What the hell are you doing?"

Main stream America scares me.  Now, I don't want to live in fear, so I am not sure what to do with this.

I wonder if prior to WWII there were people in Germany who looked around and wondered what the hell was going on?  Where is the decency and common concern?  Who is speaking the truth?  Who is manipulating the news, media, laws?

I am watching things move along in a strong fast current...
computers, ipods, a new TV show about a serial killer who mutilates women, zombie movies,  violent gaming, objectified women in all aspects of media, macho military men with machine guns.

Where is the outrage?  It seems to take another high school shooting to get the conversation going, yet even then the focus is on the child NOT the environment in which this child grew up.

To bring this back to a personal level, I am starting to think I am a BIG misfit, that I do not belong here anymore.  It is as though I am standing in the middle of crowd and yet I am on a tiny ice float in the middle of this fast river, being swept away.

As a parent I have been a dam holding back the waters so my sons have time to grow up naturally. I want them to be rooted to the earth, to their true nature, before they go out there.  What anchors most kids, people? I have no clue.

I feel less and less part of this society.  It passed through my mind several times in the last day or 2 that maybe my time here is over.  Maybe there isn't any reason to stay here and keep fighting this current.

Do I give in?

It's not giving in, I am just REALY tired of standing up and withstanding these pounding waters.  The waters are EVERYWHERE it seems.  I honestly do not understand all of this.

When I was Italy, I saw silly things on the TV in Rome, but I didn't feel it as much when I was walking around there.  I hardly felt it at all in the Umbria regions.  It wasn't as pervasive there.

Perhaps this is the way life goes, the changing of the generations.  Unfortunately, the people I know who are my age, even my brother and cousins, and mother have embraced this new lifestyle.

I am a lone voice.  Even my children balk at my pulling back the curtain on our society.

Joseph Campbell used to say "Don't let the machine (society) eat you up"  But he never said how lonely it is when you do.

I am thankful that I see what I see.  What I wouldn't give to hear someone else utter the words,
 "The emperor is naked!".

coming into focus

There has been a shift of late, people who I have known for a while seem different.  Now, what are the chances that everyone I know has changed? Nil. Chances that I have changed? Not nil.

It is fascinating.  Sometimes it feels like an out of body experience. I am in a conversation and then suddenly I am seeing the other person very clearly and there is no way I can NOT see them.  But what I see, isn't what I thought it was.  It's more like an adjustment, as though my focus was out of whack.

I tend to want to see the good in people because I want to see the good, I want this person to be who I want them to be.  My image of them is better than the real thing.  It's as though I have made these people up in my imagination.  I've airbrushed them in many ways.

But these days, the airbrushing is disappearing.  Perhaps this is how I have treated myself in the past too.  I had an image of me.  The big difference is that my image of me was negative.
All I could see was the ugliness, the unwanted stuff.  As my vision cleared about myself, I can see things more clearly.

Some of the things I have seen have made me sad, but I tell myself it is better to see what IS really there than to continue making things up as I go along.  I didn't know I was blurring the lines about people.  I didn't want to see.

This clarity comes at a cost.  I don't have to do anything drastic but I need to see the truth.  I need to see where I am and what I am doing.  I think in order to grow and move on, I need to be clear where I have been.

I keep thinking I should be more disappointed, more sad but I am not.  Seeing people as they are is actually freeing.  I don't need to save them.  I don't need to fix them.  I don't need to stay small so they feel big.  They have choices.  I have choices.  I am not permanently attached, there is wiggle room.

I can stand among the people I know and be.  I too am not an airbrushed rendition.  I have flaws and I am no longer ashamed of it.  I feel worthy of who I am.  I feel safe to move on.  Seeing the truth gives me comfort.  My wooded path seems to be opening up to a clearing and I am grateful for the vision.

  

a waiting game

The purge-mode I have been in for weeks is now complete.  The last of the bins have been organized.  For some reason the photos, papers, the boys' childhood artwork, the baby clothes and blankets were the last to be gone through.

For 2 weeks I lived with a mass of bins (about 10) in the sunroom.  I ignored them to the best of ability each evening as I sat on my loveseat, less than 3 feet away from the mess.

No matter how much I wanted to tidy that area up, I couldn't.  The thought of it brought me to my knees.  It was this work that I found challenging.  What to keep, what to let go.

Thankfully, the day came when it didn't seem like a huge task.  It was simple, put all the photos in one bin, put the artwork and baby stuff in another.  I rapidly went through each photo and artwork.  I kept most of it, but there was a pile of stuff for the recycle center.

I burned 12 notebooks of journals.  I put them into the woodstove.  Good-bye.

I am not afraid to say good-bye to my past.  I have been a person who continues to grow and change, hence, I do not have any long time friends.  Some people stay the same, pretty much, not me.  I see a photo of me from 5 years ago and I don't know who the hell I was.

I've had a long way to come, it's been a very long road and yet, there is more.  I am a seeker, someone who is always searching for meanings.  I don't know if this is good or bad, but it is true.  I think of that line in the movie "Lord of the Rings"  when Galadriel says to Frodo "You ARE a ring-bearer."
I know I am a seeker/searcher.

So this purge cycle that has pushed me, pulled me for the past month is over.  I have known the whole time that I was preparing for something.  I needed to get my house in order.  The thought of "I am moving" has come up time and time again.

I do not know why I am doing these things, but I know they must be done.  I have accomplished it.

Before I left for Italy the mantra of "I'm going" was so strong.  No matter what, I was going.  I went.
I learned.  I grew.  I laughed.  I cried.  I ran.  I stood in awe.  It was beyond description.

I am continuing to honor this 'force'  this energy.  I follow, not knowing the outcome.

I look around the house and see a job well done.  My mind says, "Now what?".  There is silence.

Now is the time to wait.  With the ground all prepared, the seeds plants, I wait.

It is hard to stop after all this galloping.  I am exhausted, but I felt alive.  I see that I am not as comfortable with the quiet portion of this...whatever this is, cycle?

Down time, letting things take root, time...but I want it NOW.  The answer is 'Not now'.  I don't like it.
No one cares what I like.

So I am changing gears, down shifting.  It feels uncomfortable.  I have faith though, I have experienced how things fall into place when we let them.  That is how I was able to spend a month in Italy.  I don't know what is next.  I do not know how much time it will take.  I don't even know what the hell is going on with me.  Still, I trust.

I am allowing all my hard work to rest, to settle.  I will allow myself naps, allow myself an unknowing stance, I will take care of myself and find gentle, tender ways to be with myself and others.

I will give myself time for quiet and time to compile my writings from Italy into a book.  This is a gift to myself, to work with my words and edit them into a book.  I LOVE to edit.  I realize I already have the book, the words are already written.  This is my winter project.  I am just beginning to feel excited about it, rather than scared or burdened.

I don't know what is in store for me but my house IS in order and I am ready to MOVE.  Patience is the name of the game now, patience and waiting for things to naturally unfold.  Breath deep, it's going to be okay.

a cold run

I met a friend for a morning run today.  He is also the hubby of a friend.  He runs 4 miles, I run 2.  This is the 2nd time we have met up at the high school track.  It does make it easier to run when someone else is on the track. 

I had emailed him that I had been sad for the last 2 days. I had trouble sleeping last night because I knew I had to get up early.  I don't have running pants, so I wore my shorts along with a wool hat, fleece-lined mittens, and big thick green fleece. My legs were red, but after a mile, I didn't feel the cold anymore.

I felt awkward because I wasn't feeling like myself much.  We walked a lap after he was done and then headed over to the local cafe for much needed coffee.

As we sat and talked, I felt embarrassed that I couldn't quite break free of this sadness fog that is following me around like a cloud old dirt (pigpen from the Peanuts).

We both read a lot of eastern philosophy and he said a few things that were helpful but in an unguarded moment I heard myself say,   "I hate myself for being who I am". 

This is what I have done most of my life, blamed me.  I blame me for being different than other people, for having needs, for my feelings, for my dreams....

It always seems so simple: "If I were DIFFERENT, than things would be better."  
Wow, that is quite a load to carry. 

I stayed married because I was sure I could change myself to fit the role that was needed.  I would tell myself how nice he was and that I was selfish or difficult or wrong.  

I've kept friendships afloat because I couldn't find a reason other than "it's my problem".

I even think it is my responsibility to morph into what will make people happy.  This often does not go along with what makes me happy, well it does, because I am trying to make them happy. But after they are happy, I am left with emptiness and bitterness. 

Perhaps other people have had better experiences, but for me, making others happy at my expense brings on depression and sadness.  I feel dead, stuck and lose my interest in life.
How can that be a good thing?

I do believe that we are separate beings AND we are one.  So why is it that trying hard to make other people feel good, doesn't feed me?  If I and the other are one, where the hell am I?

I wrote in my journal the other night about love and where do we draw the line on sacrificing who we are to that loved one.  I grew up with the idea that loving someone means giving them what they want, even if that isn't who you are or what you feel comfortable doing.  

Now would I want someone to love me like that? No. I would hate that actually.  

Do I know how to love?

At 47, I have a pretty good idea who I am.  I am not sure I have a relationship with any other adult that is based on both of us being genuinely ourselves.  The few friends I have, tend to have thick social personas, not that they don't show me the truth of themselves from time to time.  But I don't have a foundational relationship based on 2 real people.

I used to describe what I wanted in my next relationship as " Two-tree Love" meaning that each of us would be complete, our own roots and know what kind of tree we are, that on our own, we are whole.  I envisioned us being near each other, but not blocking the sun.  Being close, growing in the same soil yet growing in our rhythms.  The tree motif is a strong one with me.  

I wrote the other day, "I am a real tree now" that is how I have felt since my return from Italy.  I know what kind of tree I am.  The difficulty I am having, is that I also see that I am very different from those I know.

This is the sadness I feel.  To be myself, to be the tree that I am, means standing alone. (for now anyway)

How far do we bend to fit in with others?  How far to cover up our leaves, so others won't notice ours are a different shape and color?

It's not that I am so unique or special, but the things that concern me, my views, the way I process life, my intellect,  dreams, honesty, vulnerability...I can't find them out there.  So I assume something is wrong with me.   I call out and hear no echo.  There are no takers, or responders. There are people who talk a good game, but their life does not reflect what they say.

In another moment of unguarded honesty this morning I said "I don't admire any of my friends"  OUCH, that was not my best moment today.  But what I meant is that I don't know anyone who is risking themselves in order to be true to themselves. I know people who are caught in jobs they don't like, stay in sexless marriages, grab easy codependent relationships, have lots of low self-esteem, people wanting to break free but who don't.

It's not that I don't admire people, but I don't have an example of someone I personally know who is breaking free of old roles, old armor, old beliefs.  Everyone I know is doing what I used to do.

I don't know what I am doing these days.  I'm almost done with the organizing, just 4 bins of old photos and such.  I sent out my resume and cover letter to Dartmouth for a full time job. I am taking care of myself with the medical stuff.  I am cutting my last legal ties with my ex-spouse about the house.

I don't know how all this plays out.  I do know I need to do it all.  Fear continues to whip around my ears when I stop to rest.  Are all these changes for the best?  Am I just swimming against the tide?  Am I a mess and not aware?

I don't know.  I listen to that invisible, quiet force and go where it pulls/tugs at me.
I am petrified.  I go anyway.  I can't envision a future for myself.  I move forward.
I am fool or I am fortunate.  Maybe a bit of both.

tired of being strong

I sit here and wonder how anybody makes it alone.  The weight of responsibilities, the stress of financial budgets, the never-ending distractions and decisions of motherhood, I am exhausted.
I am only one person and a smart one, but my knees are buckling from the strain of holding it all together.

I can't believe this is my life.  I can't believe that I have no one to lean on, no one to be strong for 10 minutes while I fall apart.

Atlas, I understand your woes.

What do I do, drop everything?

 A woman in town called me because she wants to file for divorce and wanted help.  Her husband walked out of her and her 2 teenage boys in August.  I feel bad for her, it must hurt to have someone walk away. I also understand what he did, he left because he couldn't change it and he wanted out.

I want out too.   But how do I leave and still have any self-respect for myself?  How do I leave and tell my kids it's not about them?  How do I prove I love them...by leaving?

What is love?  Where are the boundaries?   How much of ourselves is enough?  Is there ever enough?

With all my buddhist philosophy, I ask myself "Where is the peace in all this?"   I don't know.
It feels chaotic in the house when the boys are talking, playing music, being kids.  What is MY problem?   I want quiet, I want solitude after a day of busyness and chores and phone calls, emails, food shopping, on and on.

What is wrong with me?  I have 2 wonderful children and all I can think of right now is to yell,
"Leave me alone".  

After 6 or 7pm I am burnt out.  I wish I had more to give, but I am depleted.

I know some people, but I don't know anyone as strong as me.  I don't know if strong is the right word, but someone who can be present, deal with the truth, juggle several things at once, intelligent...

I've been home from Italy for 6 weeks, my life has become more and more busy.  How do I get some control over the days?  It is as though my life were on automatic pilot.

I can keep living like this, but it takes such a personal toll.

I can't find a way NOT to live like this, and that crushes my soul.

I am not trapped, although I feel stuck.

What do I owe life, my children, my mother, myself?   I am tired of going it alone.  I am tired of not having an adult to be able to talk over things with, someone I respect and admire.

I don't want to carry all of this alone, yet there is no one to hand it off to either.

Like Atlas, I hold...and hold...and hold.   I withstand the pressure, by not cracking.  I wouldn't put this load on anyone else either, it is too much for one person.  So I stay.

The weight is bearing down and I can hear my bones sigh.   I don't know what to do.

It's a lonely life being strong, everyone assumes you're fine.  I refuse to be a victim to get sympathy.
Why don't we support the strong people rather than focus on the people doing so little?

The squeaky wheel gets the oil, eh?

I'll do what I can for as long as I can.  I can't walk out the door, but I wish I could.  That's what makes me so sad, knowing that if I could, I would.  There lies the rub.